Mind Full

This is one of my favorite pictures. So simple but speaks to me so loudly. My mind is always working. Sometimes so fast that I can’t keep up. Maybe that’s why I love learning. I always assumed this is not the norm for everyone but it’s always been my normal. I used to hope that one day I’d be able to plug into a projector and show the movies in my mind. I thought that would be so awesome to have an actual visual, to see my own imagination, and my reality. It’s hard to quiet my mind. It’s been on overdrive for the past few weeks, saturated with stressful and anxious thoughts about what’s happening to me. I sometimes look down and realize words are coming out of my hands. An Italian thing? Am I going crazy? Two weeks ago I broke. Temporarily. I just could not handle any more input. This week it happened again, my thoughts were dark. I get scared. This has affected me in so many unexpected ways. So much harder than I have imagined. Being alone isn’t beneficial during these moments. 

8-31-21

I’ve never been successful at the ledge because I’m afraid of heights

I went to the ledge today. It has been such a long time since I was here. 

It looked so different.

Massive.

I walked back and forth most of the morning, stuck. 

Drowning in the stories in my mind.

I had an appointment to get to. 

We both knew something was not right.

The nature of the appointment delivered with honesty and compassion brought me back.

I was able to focus and walk away from the ledge.

I’m sure she didn’t realize the rescue.

But……I am still afraid of heights. 

___________________________________________________________________

This is just all so overwhelming to me. So much to take in. My mind just keeps going and filling with so many different scenarios. It’s hard to turn off, to control, to redirect. Not having information, not knowing a plan for what’s next is definitely a source of this fragile mess of confusion. 

What are some coping mechanisms you have used in your life when things become overwhelming?