Being Alone

Loneliness, isolation, life changes

I made a conscious choice to live alone. For the most part I’ve enjoyed it over these many years. I’m admittedly set in my ways. I hadn’t really ever felt lonely but I realize that has now changed. While I’m sure many people are blaming COVID I know that my recent life’s changes are the main culprit. COVID definitely hasn’t helped.

After 22 years in Jan 2020 I had to give up my Surgical Assistant business due to my back and hip issues. It was a difficult decision and more so the transition from self employment and doing my own thing to having a boss and a structured work schedule. I made the choice because I need an income to survive. I like teaching and I had worked part time for this company for a couple months before accepting the full time position so I knew what I was getting in to. What was unexpected was COVID.

In March 2020 I was sent home with a laptop and had to suddenly adjust to teaching online via live video classes. I was fortunate that I had a really great group of students so we all figured it out as we went. I went many weeks at a time without ever leaving my property. My students were my only real contact with other people. I settled into this isolation not realizing I was cut off from normal conversations. Yes I lectured 5 hours a day for 4 days a week. Of course we had interactions and discussion during class but student teacher is not a substitute for conversation amongst adults. 

COVID 2020 was good to me because I was able to get a paycheck while working from home.

COVID 2020 was not so good for me because it halted my treatments for my back and hips.

COVID 2020 was not good for me because the isolation from others has made me retreat even more deeply inside of myself.

Working in the OR for so many years always provided that human interaction for me. Even with the serious nature of the work there was always a lot of conversations from current events or politics to down right laugh out loud hilarious subject matter. Smiles, handshakes, hugs, and many other greetings were freely given. All this was part of why I loved working in the OR. But I had to walk away. Shortly after that COVID stormed into all our lives 

I thought I was fine; comfortable with this isolation. Now I feel differently. Lonely for the first time in so many years, longing for people to converse with. I’m unsure whether I have people to share my thoughts with that are willing to listen and share back. I’m trying to navigate this new reality and I don’t want to make irrational decisions about my health. I want to have input from others as just talking with myself doesn’t allow for that. My thoughts are all over the place. I certainly respect the knowledge of the physicians I am seeing but I am still the one that has to process the info and decide what to do. It’s hard to ask for help. It’s hard because I don’t really know who is willing to be a part of my support system and what they are willing to offer. Who is willing to be honest with me? To kick my ass when needed? To check in to see how I really am?  Where do I look to find those people?

Alone with my thoughts. 

9-6-21