I think I’m doing OK and them BAM. Those thoughts of what’s the point come flooding right back in. I’ve tried to be conscious of what’s happened or what’s different on these days. I believe today’s trigger was I received my last actual paycheck from work. It was the last of my vacation/sick time. While I have applied for short term disability I have no idea how long that takes or if I will even be approved. So that check brought out not only that I now have zero income but also reminded me of the job itself.
I haven’t really talked about my job much because it is another source of stress that I’ve shared with few. That truth is I was being bullied and intimidated for the last several months. It certainly didn’t help my health being in that environment for so long. I tried a few times to express this but my concerns and complaints were not taken seriously and I essentially was told I was part of the problem. That is until 2 days prior to me taking medical leave. The truth eventually comes out and it was apparent those last couple days. I even got an apology but by then my focus was completely on my health.
I am definitely concerned that my absence will not have solved anything but instead will have made things worse because it will not have been addressed. I don’t really have an option of not returning as I am in a position where having health insurance is a requirement. Just thinking about that day brings stress and anxiety. It also stirs up those thoughts of what’s the point. Why am I putting myself through all this?
Why? I don’t have family. Very few friends. No one who really knows me well. I think if I wasn’t here maybe a few people might feel sad but within a week or two my memory would be all but forgotten. It’s hard on some days to find reasons to get out of bed. I get so tired. I wonder if I’m just done. How much more can I endure? How much do I want to? It’s just the truth.
9-25-21
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