Nothing good 

    The last few weeks have been full of so many peaks and valleys. For me one thing hasn’t changed. I cannot find one thing good about cancer. 

    My emotions have been raw and fragile. I left a recent doctors appointment and sat in my car and cried. Some of the things said to me were so inappropriate  and insensitive. I really was dismayed that this provider was one that deals with cancer patients every day. One thing that I have realized having to see different specialists is that they sometimes they forget that there is that there might be more going on in a person’s life than the issue that they treat. That is the case for me. 

   Finding out I had cancer was just another thing to add to my plate. Emotionally it has pushed me right to the edge. I’ve had to really be honest with myself if I wanted to be able to get off that ledge. I realized how tired I was of living in pain physically and mentally. I realized how poor a quality of life I was living. I needed to  start finding answers to set me on a different path. This cancer needed to be addressed first.

   Everyone’s cancer journey is unique. We all understand that some people certainly have a more aggressive type or poorer outcome. But that shouldn’t have anything to do with your individual journey. My thoughts or feelings during my own journey shouldn’t be compared to another. But yet here was a doctor doing just that to me. Saying I need to be more grateful. It could be so much worse. And more. I felt they were trying to make me feel that my thoughts and feelings were invalid. They were dismissive of the rest of my story. It was very upsetting. I’m in a vulnerable state. It was uncalled for especially by a healthcare professional who I’m supposed to look to for care and support. I will never be grateful to have cancer. 

   I will never apologize for having feelings. I’m not looking for sympathy but being one who has practiced being strong in all the wrong ways, ie rarely showing feelings perceived as weakness, I have been trying to allow myself to let some of the crap out. To be told to be positive, be grateful, be strong, I’ve done that most of my life while shoving the rest deep inside. It’s left me in a fucking mess. I’m trying my best to let myself just feel how I do. Everyday is different. I am grateful but not about having cancer. I do think positive but not about having cancer. I am strong. Just not every day. Cancer can do that to me. I’m allowed. I’m pretty sure it’s a step in the right direction in order to heal myself. 

   I still cannot find one good thing about cancer. If you do, you’ve not had it or you’re just fooling yourself. It’s been a mind fuck for me. I’m getting there. 

9-21-21