2021 is about to end. I can’t say I’m sorry to see it go. For me, the best thing about journaling is being able to look back at my journey; a record much like a photograph. This has been one of the hardest years I have ever endured. I remember how my grandpa used to say you don’t have much of anything without your health. This year has certainly explained that to me if there was any confusion in what he meant. 

Being diagnosed with breast cancer has had a profound impact on me. It’s been a struggle like no other. Recovering from two surgeries with the second having wound issues. Pain and fatigue. Seven weeks before it was healed enough and I was able to wear a shirt with no bandages. More doctors visits than I care to count. And I am still dealing with other health issues. But I am glad to be able to say that I currently have.no signs of cancer. Not going to even think about going thru this again. I am adjusting to the new me. With only one breast I am just now figuring out how this all feels. 

While the physical healing from surgery is finally winding down, what this cancer has done to my mental health is hard to describe. Hearing I had cancer was an event that my mind has not handled very well. Depression and anxiety/panic attacks have hit me pretty hard. Many thoughts of suicide linger. To say it’s been overwhelming is an understatement. Saturated is a nice way to describe it. Mind fuck is more like it. Most don’t get it. So much from the past triggered. My surgeon told me she often sees signs of PTSD in her patients. I’ve started working with a new psychologist who is a good fit for me. I’m not sure what will happen with me going forward. Just trying my best to be safe from myself. Thoughts still on overdrive. 

So goodbye 2021. Your lessons have been brutal. 

12-30-21

I can’t see the future in the darkness

The past has passed

Just existing in the present is painful. Not sure how much of this pain I can tolerate.

Or want to.