I wish I could see something beautiful. I’ve been struggling the past few days to find the light, existing instead in the darkness of my mind. I don’t know if there was a trigger I only know I’ve been wandering aimlessly trying to make sense of it all. The days when recovery from this surgery is physically painful I often tell myself I deserve to feel every last bit of it. Why am I putting myself through it all?
Things like having surgery appears to others as moving forward. There are times I believe that then the darkness over takes me and I just think it’s self punishment. Why does my mind tell me these wicked things? The answers can vary from minute to minute.
Where is the desire to do. When I look ahead it seems so empty. Devoid of any images and even thoughts of what it looks like. How can I reimagine the future when it seems like a big black hole?
I’ve been told to see a big blank canvas that can become whatever my heart might long for. But I can’t find any paint. The question is do I really want to. It’s just out of my current reality to see anything ahead. More anxiety and stress.
What makes me blind? Again do I want to know? I can’t honestly answer yes. The darkness can be a comfortable place at times. As much as this doesn’t make sense I don’t feel judged in the darkness yet at the same time the feeling of doom can overwhelm. More mind fuck.
Spending so much time with myself in the dark and I think I’m still so lost. Broken but not beautiful. This may be the end.
10-11-21
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