Lifelong Pain

It Will Always Hurt

 

Words are not needed to describe the pain. It’s the only thing I truly feel. It’s constant. The void never goes away. 

Helga take the Horror Show away. 

ISO Day 27. Very hard day for me, myself, and I to be alone. It’s all I’ve got 🖤💔

1.26.25

Loud and Unrelentless

My Inner Dialog is Loud in January 

Right now inside my head the conversations can be harsh. Challenging parts is how I refer to them. They say no bad parts but that can be hard to be consistent with those thoughts when the voices continue their barrage of self loathing and shame. Other parts want to yell stop it. Shut the fuck up. And often do. 

It’s always a battle but there is never clear winners or losers as it seems they all coexist. Even with so much awareness it’s still difficult to reside here when it gets so loud. The Harsh Squad is prevalent and running the show a bit right now which I do understand as I look at the calendar.

Where did all these parts, thoughts, voices come from? It was huge for me to learn in therapy that all our thoughts come from others; we aren’t born with our brains full of everything we need. On the contrary, we are influenced by everyone and everything around us. We take it all in and make it our own. I had never once stopped to consider this simple, but oh so important concept. 

As much as I relate to parts work and will continue to use it as much as it is helpful to me. I get very frustrated when I’m told I have all my answers inside. I find that to be such bullshit. I get what Self is, but Self didn’t come preloaded with all I need for my entire life span. Where did all those answers come from; seems like I am supposed to be able to tap some secret wealth of knowledge I have hidden away from a magic place that knows exactly what I need forever. Funny. 

I have so much more awareness of myself these days because of my parts work, but awareness is much different than finding ways to make changes. How can I possibly expected to have all my answers? I need more input to find some of those answers. I been trying for 60 years to make sense of or peace with some things and have been unable to find solutions for myself. I need help. It’s hard enough for me ask; I’ve been let down most of my life. That has created hyper independence no doubt. 

But these parts of me, these voices, the squad trying to destroy me have all become my harsh internal dialog with myself. The constant barrage hasn’t really changed, I’ve only learned to quiet it. Some want to die, some don’t want to live, some dysregulate and disassociate, some bring carelessness, hopelessness, and sabotage. Who is truly talking here? Where did these words, these thoughts, this huge sense of shame and self loathing come from? One thing changed my life forever but many additional things happened along the way. 

Monster Of Mine. You were supposed to protect me, to teach me, to care for me, to love me. Instead. Useless, stupid, wrong, not good enough, fat and ugly, undeserving, not worthy, never enough. Worthless Whore. These are the things you said to me so many times over my years. All now parts of me that remind me what I have come to truly believe about myself. The you are turned to I am. 

Not that long ago after reading one of my favorite therapist blogs on trauma, I had a revelation. She was talking about how treating yourself so poorly, having such harsh inner dialog is just continuing on what the original abuser started. I never had thought of it that way. A perfect example of not having all my answers. 

This is a pretty heavy thought for me that hit hard and I think the beginning of really wanting to face all that I’m scared of and run from. While I haven’t made much progress with Harshland, I do know that there is a path that can be followed. It will be one of the hardest journeys I will ever take but if I don’t, I’m not going to make it. 

Shame. It’s a horrible thing. It eats me up. Tortures me in so many ways. I do understand. My awareness of it all is great but that’s only the first step. Much work to do to make it out of this place and find somewhere nicer. 

ISO Day 25. Me. Myself. My Squad. 

1.24.25

Free trauma resources here: 

https://www.carolynspring.com/

Does it Matter?

Does It? 

I woke up this morning with all those shadows of mine running free. Their voices are loud as we come upon the anniversary of their existence. Their quest to destroy me is fierce as they still believe it’s helpful. At times I have no defense as they speak their truth, my truths.

These parts of me, tortured for all these years. Worthless. Unloveable. Undeserving. Monster. Fat. Ugly. Stupid. Lazy. Uncaring. Selfish. Never good enough. Just a few of my daily internal conversations. 

I get so tired of the battles but they don’t shut off these parts of me. They are so strong right now and these are the times I am at my weakest and most vulnerable. How far will I go to make it stop? Trying my best to hold on.

Does it really matter if I don’t wake up tomorrow. A snowflake falling on a sunny day, unseen by anyone. It only matters to me that I know it will end my pain. Worthless. The Temptress. Evil seduction. 

ISO Day 23 Me. Myself. Worthless. Alone. Stuck. Heavy. Jumping on or off the Brain train. Depression Brain. Trauma Brain. 

1.22.25

 

Do What It Takes

Do What It Takes 

What am I waiting for? Am I using it as an excuse? A couple of questions I ask myself and have answers. I’m waiting for help. I know I need it as I’ve not been able to create the change on my own in all these years. The help was right there, but had to go away for a bit. All I can do is believe it returns and hope it’s still there.

 I’m ready as I’ve ever been but I don’t have all my answers. I need new input and guidance or I just stay stuck in the same places I’ve been for years. There’s a plan, a blueprint. So yes, I will wait. Options. 

An excuse. Yes. As something to hold on to. As a reason to do whatever it takes to make it thru my moments. Those times when it gets so dark and I can’t find the light and that’s when to choose to escape for a bit. Shall I really think of hope as an excuse? Acceptable excuses in my current lived world. 

Substance use. Yes. Notice I said use not abuse. Do I use other things along with cannabis. I do and freely admit it. I’m not quite ready to discuss those things here yet but it’s coming. I see nothing the matter with utilizing things to escape and also expand your mind. For me, both are needed. 

Addiction? Nah, I don’t think so at this point. Do I enjoy it? It’s some of the few things I can say is still fun.  Do I overindulge at times? Absolutely and unapologetically I will continue to do what I need to do to sustain myself and continue my journey. Harm reduction always. Self check is constant. 

Feels like one of those days. Chemical distraction or disassociation….eh. I can think of worse things I could be doing. Just too fucking old for most of them LOL. Gotta love the Spicy P. I can still laugh at myself. How about you? 

ISO Day 22. Here with Me. Myself. And I. Feeling so lost and out of place. Hanging out. Hanging In. Taking my mind on vacation for a bit but I’ll be back….

1.21.25

It’s A Day

 It’s a Day

So many thoughts whirling in my brain today. I’m definitely struggling just figuring out my days but today adds more on to it. Convoluted would be an excellent word for my thoughts and feelings on this Inauguration Day.

Hard. Sad. Disappointed. Discouraged. Fearful. Confused. Betrayed. Numb. SMH

 To each their own. I just can’t understand how hate and discrimination is excused and acceptable. I fear for the rights of all who aren’t white men as we all have much to lose. Some way more than others. It’s coming. 

I refuse to support hate, discrimination, anger, or meanness or anyone who supports those who do. There is not a pass for this in my world. To accept the name calling, bullying, and pure revenge is not the world I want to be a part of. You can’t take out the parts you don’t like and look aside. If you support, you take it all. You are just bullshitting yourself and others by pretending and riding that fence. 

I am very confused by you so called Christian’s supporting this behavior, and also judging others.This is the behavior that you want your children, grand children, and great grandchildren to children to model? The very first week you want to make some peoples existence illegal and lock people up because they’re wanting a better life? Not sure what God or Jesus you follow but the ones I learned about in the Bible are kind, loving, and accepting of all people and the only judge is God. Christianity does not justify this type of treatment of people in any way shape or form. Fuck you hypocrites! My heart is already sad just thinking about what’s to come. 

Some people call me cold or curt which I get. My depression can have me zombie like at times but also I’ve come to honor the parts of me that desire/require total honesty. I suppose blunt would be another good word. Some of it is my not wanting to waste time and another part is I want people to be honest with me. No matter what it is, I would much rather someone tell me the truth than lie. When you’re honest, even if I don’t like what you said I can process and move forward. When you lie, I lose trust so I never get over it and it alters our relationship. 

This works for me and I’m not going to make any excuses for my decisions for myself. I accept whatever that affects for me going forward. Being honest about my own self has been a huge step. I have to Be Authentic Me. I learned a lot more about some people I had around this past year. I’ll just say I’m thankful for the lessons; no matter how painful they have a place. 

I continue to find old and unwanted and slowly rid myself of some of this heavy load. Can’t build much new with so much old in the way. I’ll take that for a partial win. I’m hoping to find additions somewhere- it’s pretty busy yet empty in here. That’s a real challenge. 

I refuse to support the hate and discrimination and anyone who does. 

I battle enough of it internally. I can’t live in a world where it’s all I hear. 

ISO Day 21 Alone.Tired. Processing. Trying

It’s been 3 weeks since I’ve had any meaningful conversation with another human. I’ve resigned myself to the fact that no one but me, myself, and I, is just all there is right now. Why pretend. I’m hoping my therapist will return in a few weeks. Everyone else has let me down. It’s hard to hold myself. 

I read recently that as long as I keep doings things for myself, I haven’t give up. Hmmmm

1.20.25

Battles

Battles

 I think I’m doing something good, proud of making writing on this blog a habit, journaling some thoughts. Then boom, it feels stupid and not good to be here. Why do I care? Why don’t I care? No one else does. What parts of me are sabotaging? DD, really?

The last few days it’s felt hard to do much of anything. Frozen then numb. Fighting to stay in the light. It gets hard to be the only one that’s here because I’m rarely here for myself. Why would now be any different. All the tools in the world can’t always help. 

Just keep holding that hope for me. The light is still on. I just can’t find my way home. 

ISO Day 20. Alone. Tired. Struggling to get out of the dark. 

Is there anyone out there…not yet but I can keep hoping. 

1.19.25

Rough Start

 Rough Start

I woke up today and tears filled my eyes as a wave of incredible sadness filled my tired hurting soul. It’s one of those days that I’m struggling to even want to get out of bed. I could use many things listed above so I thought I’d offer them here for others today. Maybe some will come back. 

Take some or leave some. All is appreciated. Hope is so hard to find. The wonderful world of depression.  

ISO Day 16. Alone. Sad.Trying. Tough fight today. Fuck depression. 

1.15.25

Habits and Addictions Part 2

Habits, Addictions and January Part 2

In continuing my thoughts about habits and addictions I would be amiss if I didn’t talk about my use of different substances. It’s one of those secrets I hope to continue to speak about as I am able. So much hidden but only because of risk in life. Being retired lessens my risk of others knowing and makes it easier to share my experiences.

Obviously today I’m talking about cannabis, marijuana. I live in a fully legal state. Medical sales of marijuana started a dozen years ago but recreational is just starting year 5. So much has changed in my lifetime.

I smoked marijuana as a teen and throughout my 20s. When I went back to school and started an actual career, I walked away from all types substances and never looked back. That included alcohol as drinking was never much fun for me. Never touched any of it again until 2020 COVID.

What brought me here again? My health struggles, specifically chronic pain from arthritis throughout my body. I was forced to modify my career because of my health and found myself teaching again to support myself. I also started looking for ways to help myself feel better and decided to look into cannabis again.

Growing up in the late 60s and 70s, I purchased weed on the street corner or from someone’s third cousin on their mother’s side LOL. I never worried about anything being added that would harm me as that just wasn’t happening in my days. I always say I feel lucky to have survived my drugs use as a kid because I was very reckless. There was no fentanyl or anything similar that would’ve killed me like there is today. Angel dust was about the most dangerous thing aside from heroin and that was just us smoking PCP in our weed. Just FYI: Ketamine is an analog of PCP. 

Walking into a dispensary my first time was so very bizarre. To see a whole entire store filled with weed was amazing and strange. To be shopping legally. To see so many different strains and products was beyond words for me. It has truly been an education to catch up with all that’s out there now. Four years later and it’s still a little weird to go to the cannabis store. 

There is so much to learn. Lucky for me I love learning especially when I’m researching things for myself. The best thing about marijuana being legal in so many places now is how much information is out there that’s not coming from the DEA and drug abuse centers. I have no issue with warnings but I want unbiased information to make my own choices instead of the same old all drugs are bad message. 

I believe everyone should make their own choices. Are there some negatives to marijuana use; absolutely! Most any substance can be abused but there’s also benefits that can be had. First thing I had to learn was about all the different forms available out there.

 I used to buy flower and when available hash was a favorite. There weren’t multiple strains or forms; I bought whatever was offered. I don’t remember ever being unhappy as I purchased weed that came from Jamaica, Mexico, Colombia, Hawaii and wonderfully tasty golden hash from Afghanistan. 

Now it’s all controlled grows whether indoors or outdoor. The genetic are also controlled and modified to what is wanted. Feminized seeds, auto flowering, indica, sativa- just a few of the terms. Harvest time can vary and affect the terpenes. Decarboxylation activated the THC and cannabinoids. Strains, cannabinoids, terpenes- all terms you want to be familiar with if you’re looking for specific effects. It’s been really a blast for me to be learning all this new stuff in my 60s.

Aside from all the variety of strains, the forms that are available are just as varied. I only ever smoked flower and hash. Of course we made brownies- we didn’t even know about decarboxylation and they still got us high. 

Now there’s so many types of flower and edibles that come in all forms and shapes. There’s even a dispensary restaurant in my neighborhood that makes full meals with cannabis. Of course there’s vaping and concentrate that comes in shatter, badder, budder, sauce, oil, wax, rosin, live resin, diamonds, kief, and isolate. What the hell are all those things? Like I said it’s been quite an education.

One place for answers is the dispensary. Get yourself known by the bud tenders in your store and they have incredible knowledge to share with you. I’ve lived in my neighborhood for 39 years. I shop at the same places but the only store that knows my face and name is my dispensary. No other place keeps employees a\or seems to care about personal customer service. Sad really. But I enjoy being known there as it makes me feel welcome.

I have also been fortunate to meet a couple of people who are growers for the state and who have also worked in the industry since it started here in our state. They have been more than helpful and generous with all different kinds of on marijuana. 

Another great educational tool is YouTube. Learning about the products and what they are hasn’t been difficult. Knowing how to use them was the mystery for me. I found a YouTube channel Senior Stoner and he reviews devices that use cannabis. There are so many ways but you need to know and understand how to consume. He shows you how to use the bongs, pipes and different dab-rigs as they’re called He’s quite the character and of course in my age group- just some old hippies enjoying the legal cannabis resurgence. 

There’s also rolling a joint. We used Zig-Zag papers, that was it. Good to see Zig-Zag is still in business but now there’s grinders, cones, filters and rollers that seem mandatory. I still prefer rolling papers but I’ve finally figured out how to use cones LOL. So much has changed but some things seem fine the old fashioned way to me! 

I have experimented with many things cannabis the last few years. I still enjoy smoking a good joint or blunt as they seem to be called these days but I also make my own tincture and FECO to use in edibles. I make into not only THC but utilize the different cannabinoids CBD, CBG, CBN. My favorite way to consume is in drinks and especially hot chocolate. I love the how it affects my body in such a positive way as long as I utilize the right strains for me. I also enjoy my baked goods. Brownies, banana bread, cookies, and muffins top my list but I like trying it in new things. 

After much research ie using cannabis to figure out my levels, I have discovers that most strains that have blueberry genetics are friendly to all that ails me. Blue Dream, available to me locally is one of my all time favorites for effects. It truly is healing to me and that’s what I use it for. G-13 is another special strain I enjoy. Look that one up. If you’re old school, you’ll want to find some and try. 

To sit here and say to you I’m strictly a medical user is just bullshit. I like to get high as much as anyone who smokes or uses. It’s just not my only reason for consumption. Making my body feel better by utilizing the entourage effect has been so helpful during my last 5 years of health challenges. Helping me sleep is another benefit for me

Unwanted effects for me? Yes I am aware there is some. I would say I can definitely become unmotivated by getting too high. As long as I’m not using that as an excuse to rest I do OK. It’s hard for me to bullshit myself so I know my intentions and I try keep them internally clear. I’m retired. I can be buzzed all day if I want or I can just find relief within daily functioning. Neither is wrong or bad; it just depends on the day, how I feel, and what I want.

 Does cannabis help my depression? I don’t have a yes or no answer for that. Still up in the air as I think some days yes and some days no. It’s about awareness but more complicated.

 

Can there be other unwanted effects? Yes again, I am fully aware of the reports and studies out there but I also feel like I’m pretty responsible and do put harm reduction in place for myself no matter what I am doing. I also take T breaks to keep my endocannabinoid system in its optimal functioning state. 

There’s much more I’d like to share on this topic and also other substances. I will get there. How about Snoop having his own strains and he’s not the only celebrity to be in the cannabis game. 

Have I thought about quitting? Yes and no. I would say at this point for me the benefits outweigh the concerns. I try to stay aware of my ever changing states of health- physical and mental. 

So how about you? Yay or nay? Is cannabis a helpful part of your life? 

ISO Day 15. Solitude of retirement. Struggling. Trying my best. 

1.14.25

Habits and Addictions

Habits, Addictions and January 

The month of January is always a challenging month for me. There are several dates that have significance in my life including the one that altered my life forever; changing my path and dashing all hopes and dreams. It’s a hard one because even if I manage to not notice the date, my being always knows. 

I was reminded that I also have an anniversary of an accomplishment that I need to continue to celebrate . This month marks 21 years since I gave up smoking cigarettes. I was a 1-3 pack a day smoker of Benson and Hedges Menthol. The old menthol smoker cough and lungs. 

For 26 years I smoked heavily. I previously tried on several occasions to quit but was unsuccessful. I mostly chalk those failures up to the fact that I really wasn’t ready to quit nor was I serious enough to do it. In 2004 that all changed.

My brother had been sick with would eventually be diagnosed as Lymphoma. Cancer took him from this earth in Aug 2004 but not before he was able to see me quit smoking in January. 

 He gave me the extra motivation to get it done and I haven’t looked back. He had asked me if I would quit smoking as he could see the toll it had taken on me. I was really over weight, short of breath, my skin looked bad and my oxygenation was obviously poor. I was in poor health because of the smoking and I needed to make a change. Him asking me to quit to honor his health struggles made it a no brainer for me.

Quitting nicotine is hard. I had failed a few times before but I knew this time would be different. My whole being was on board to succeed and my brother was just that little extra to have to make it to the finish line. 

There’s lots of info on smoking out there but what I want to share is how much smoking is mental. Nicotine is fully cleared from your system in 5 days. The first week is the hardest with cravings because of this but after those 5 days is not physical any longer. Just understanding this fact can go a long way. 

After that first week don’t let your brain blame it on your body. You are now just working on those habits or even addictions that are ruled by your brain. It’s a mental challenge at this point, one that’s winnable if you can stay the course. Keeping your hands busy helps as you need to break that hand to mouth. Avoiding place where you tend to smoke will help in the beginning. Using those place later to show yourself you can revisit work well. 

I used a nicotine patch the first 2 weeks to help me get thru the cravings and grouchiness at work especially. It took me almost 3 weeks to get to no cigs, no patch, but I did it. Twenty one years clean of nicotine this January. I have never picked up a cigarette since the. I used to still get cravings at times but when I would look around it was usually a situation that I had previously smoked and my brain was just remembering and letting me know. It’s been a while since I’ve had any but it reminds me of how powerful habits and addictions are ingrained in my brain. 

I am proud of my accomplishment of ridding myself of tobacco and nicotine. I am trying to give myself credit for all that work and how it still shows up and keeps me from going back. My brother was also proud of me and happy for me that I was able to quit. I’m glad he was here to see me succeed. I miss him so much. 

Of course this doesn’t mean I don’t have any other habits and addictions and January shit. Depression brain always picks out the worst shit, I am choosing to remember this win in my life today.

Have you been able to overcome anything similar in your life? 

PS: I had no idea cigarettes cost $10 plus a pack. Wow. So glad to not have that expense any longer. Spend it on other habits LOL. 

ISO Day 14. I have maybe had a total of 30 minutes of actual in person connection and a couple hours of text chat in these last two weeks. Heal in connection. Not today. Not this person. No more hurt allowed in. Still alone. Hurting. Trying. That’s all I can ask of myself for today. 

Full Wolf Moon Monday

1.13.25

Resourcing and Safety

 Resourcing and Safety

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

My Happy Place

The depression roller coaster sucks especially when riding those low and dark times but I am aware of it and have taken measures to try to keep myself safe during those times. The biggest thing is avoiding any big or permanent decisions when I’m in it. 

The last few weeks have been challenging but the little ray of light, my appeal win for myself, lifted me enough to make some movement towards being able to resource. Resourcing for me is doing things to help me feel safe and secure. 

Water has always been huge for me. I’ve been a swimmer since I was 4 years old. It’s the best container I have for myself. I feel so safe and comfortable in the water. It’s great for my body as it suspends and relives my pains and being an Aries, it cools me off in so many different ways! 

I’m fortunate enough to live in a warm climate and have a swimming pool. It’s not year round but May thru Sept I can enjoy the pool all day and night if I want. Pool season is something I look forward to the start and dread the end as I so miss the water when it’s cold. Sorry but cold plunges just aren’t my thing.

Three years ago during my colder weather, I discovered float tanks here locally. Also called isolation tanks or sensory deprivation tanks. The idea is the acronym REST- Restricted Environmental Stimulation Therapy. You’re in a sound proof container with about 10 inches of epson salt saturated water that helps with buoyancy. Sound and light are available but optional at the place I go. There are lots of different reported benefits to floating. Stress and pain reduction are just two of many that I go for. 

I really enjoy my time in the tank. My issue is getting there. My current struggles with avoiding encounters with people plays a big part. My desire to be there has to overcome whatever story my depression brain might be telling me in order for me to go. I’m always happy when I can get there. I can only do my best. 

Yesterday was another win for me as I was able to go float. I actually did a double nice as I used the vibe table the first hour and floated the second. More on that vibe table later. The float was fantastic as usual. 

I always float in the dark and most often in silence. It’s so great to enjoy the different states I’m able to take myself in to while in the tank. When I went last month I hadn’t been for a while. The reaction from my body was so surprising. It was like fulfilling a craving with so much good energy just pulsating thru my body. My entire being was smiling and I was asleep in the tank in about 7 minutes. I allowed myself to fully take in and experience what I’m calling my body showing joy for getting what it needed. I don’t listen to it often enough. I laughed at myself as I realize the only times I hear my body is when it is hurting or having an orgasm. 

I am able to fall asleep in the tank but my favorite state is going  to the level of just being on the edge of consciousness, where my body and the water are one with each other. I’m not really aware I’m in water, just feeling comfortably afloat and weightless. When I am here, my mind is still busy but calm and clear; fully able to process whatever is needed. Water takes my fears away. 

Some claim types of psychedelic or psychotic states. I can see this in very deep states in the tank especially for long periods of time. There’s an option to go 3 hours at the place I float. I tried it once and just past 2 hours I became a bit restless and had to add some music for stimulus. For me, an hour is enough most times. There are lots of older studies military and other done in sensory deprivation tanks but these days it’s all about wellness. 

As much as I enjoy the tank, it still is a part of my struggles to take care of myself, find safety and security amongst connections of all types. I try my best. I go when I’m able and try to not put pressure on myself as it’s not helpful. Hard to not want to force at times but listening to my whole Self is crucial as powering through so much in my life is what got me here today. 

Resources. Safety. I’m building my list as I need more things I can do for myself, my Self. Water is my number one. I have another resource I found to add more water to my list, but not able to get there to try it out yet. Still working on that.  

Less and softer is better than more and harder. 

ISO Day 12. Alone. A little lighter today. I’ll take it. 

1.11.25

A Ray of Light

 A Ray of Light

Finally a little something has gone my way. It’s been a year I’ve been waiting for my appeal on my unemployment case. I was notified last night that I won my appeal.

I wrote here how excited I was to get this new job in Feb of 2023. How they accommodated me with my scheduling request of working hybrid due to my physical struggles. How great that felt to be wanted. After 9 months of managing that schedule well, they decided I was not allowed to do it anymore. No reason was ever given. 

 I was told by phone on a Friday that Monday I was to make changes and could no longer be hybrid; that I had to be on campus every day. When I said I could not due to my health, they offered me an adjunct position which means same amount of work and classes, less hours and no benefits. Who would choose that? I instead chose to walk away due to the unfairness of it all

They knew up front I couldn’t keep that schedule. I had turned this job down until they called me and made accommodations. I filed for unemployment and was denied as the employer said I quit because of my work load which just wasn’t true. I always do more than my share of work. I appealed and had my day in court. The judge sided with me after hearing the evidence. 

Now I  wait. They have a couple week deadline to appeal. I don’t think they will but you never know. It certainly would be nice for me to get that back pay. Something for me to hope for. Much needed as these last few weeks have been pretty dark. 

ISO Day 11. Tired but having a glimmer feels good today.

Go Buckeyes! 

1.10.25

Pain

 101

Pain. Knowing that no one is coming to help. Pain.

Not wanting to live and wanting to die are several different parts of mine. 

1.9.25 

Is there anybody out there? 

Depression Post 100

100

 Depression. It has taken its toll on me. So hard to see my way out of the dark, especially alone. No joy. No pleasure. No hope for change. So challenging to even see any color some days. The tiredness of it all. Just wanting it to stop. 

My days are spent figuring out how to get to each next moment. Hoping most nights I won’t wake up to have to do it all over again. But when I do I just sigh and keep hoping somehow this will end, it might give me a reprieve. But no. This is my life. Mostly this is my death as I’m not really living but each day dying a little bit more. 

My sleep patterns are not consistent. I’m spending lots of time in bed early and late. Food is a struggle as nothing tastes like much at all let alone good. I worry what these episodes are doing to me internally. I can’t find any other paths. Floundering alone in my dark. 

Stuck in my muck that now feels so warm and comfy. I just stay here now, waiting for death. All the darkness will take me there. No more struggle, no more pain. I try hard to find your good. Is it really good that I am embracing from you? Depression is such a liar. 

I have no answers. I don’t cope but simply look for avoidance/escape at this point. My use of substances has increased to daily. I see no other escape from my thoughts that destroy me a little more everyday. My reality swallows me up in darkness. I must escape from this mind but I’m trapped. I can’t find any cracks, any light. 

Worthless. Yes. I hear you. You are winning right now. I believe you because you make it so it’s all I can see and hear as my truth. I don’t see much left for me here. Things don’t change. They just keep getting stronger and more powerful and all consuming. What happened happened. I can’t go back and make it better. I can only destroy myself as it doesn’t really matter to anyone else. I did this to myself.  Truth. My truth. I don’t see any other way out but to follow the darkness until it consumes me. I don’t find my answers yet no one has helped. 

How will I ever care enough about myself to make a difference. I have given all of myself away to others. I’m totally devoid of anything but crumbs left for Self.  Crumbs have no nutritional value. My mind is so cruel. Black. Ugly. Just make it stop. Please. How much more will I take? Can I take?  

ISO Day 10. Still alone. Hurting. Tired. Hopelessness. Is anyone still there? Triple D:  Doubtful. Discouraged. Defeated. 

100 posts all written from the roller coaster of my depressed mind. Perhaps the reason I keep coming back here is to document my death by depression. Suck it up buttercup. 

1.9.25

Tired

Tired

I have no confidence in my own ability to choose people who won’t hurt me. It almost feels at this point that I am purposely making these self sabotaging choices. How do I not see some of this stuff coming. My warning system is totally programmed backwards and it just validates people equal pain for me and makes me go deeper into my Castle. 

  This is day nine of my isolation, being let go out of therapy with no back up. I have not had any meaningful conversations with any people and have not left my house. I am not feeling bad enough to do anything about it at this point. I will think about the grocery store soon but that will be the only reason to go anywhere. 

Just stand there, smile and take it. No one will notice. Doing my best to hang in and hang on. 

ISO Day 9. Alone. Hurt. Tired. 

1.8.25

 

It Doesn’t Matter

It Doesn’t Matter

 

 It is so interesting to realize the truth that if no one cares, it just doesn’t matter.

ISO day 8. Still here. Hurting. Sad. Alone. Tired. 

1.7.25

Size Doesn’t Matter

Size Doesn’t Matter 

Still here doing my best. It’s not great but it’s all I got. Looking for a spark and found this poem

I ask for just the slightest shift
in my thinking, the kindest sifting
of my busy mind, so only wonder
and peace are left behind. So that
as I walk out in sleet this morning,
I can see even these muddy ruts
made by trucks on the forest trail
as harbors of miracle that will fill
with snowmelt and rain for tadpoles
to swim in, until that sunlit instant
come summer, when they feel the flexing
of legs working in the water beneath them,
and leap out onto the ground, their bodies
having decided, by pure instinct alone,
to be soft and fully alive in this world.

James Crews

Searching for a glimmer, opening or shift. Still here gaining strength. Still trying. Still tired.

ISO Day 7 Alone. Hurt. Tired. Sad. 

1.6.25

Recovering

Recovering

 My capacity is to function vey well is still pretty low. I will take my time to figure out what will help me. Not only to move forward but to protect myself from too much more let down. Being blind sided never feels good when I truly realize the full impact of it all. Abandonment hurts. Period. 

As much as I hate the words resilience and strength, I know them well and hope they will serve me appropriately at this time. I know Castle has awakened and the doors are again tightly sealed trying desperately to keep us from sinking back into to deep dark hole of secrets, where guilt and shame rule. 

Spent the last few days trying our best avoidance but I can only ignore myself for so long as it’s hard to escape your Self. Some days are diamonds, some days are gold. One is hard and sharp and the other is cold. 

My physical health still needs time to even get back to more stability. Hydration is almost caught up and hoping nutrition falls into place next. So draining on my body, my mind, my soul. 

For now we will use everything our system has to get us to the next. Soul Survivor is very strong. Still lots of options to consider. 

I’m down trying to recover enough to get up. Keep kicking me if you need. Maybe it’s the only way I can feel. Sabotage. 

ISO Day 6. Alone. Hurting. Sad. Discouraged. Tired. Most of all tired today. 

Alone Again

Alone Again

Feeling so lost and shut down. Just another experience to add to my list of why people suck. Left alone, during a time that is super challenging but who cares right? Why would I have actual help?  I don’t matter if I don’t have money. I’m not in that tax bracket so I’m not deserving. As hard as anyone might argue it’s just the ugly truth. Someone like me really has no chance of healing with these rules.  

I am beginning to think that therapy might be just as big of a scam as most everything else that has to do with people in my life. How do you just let someone go like that? Do you really care? $$$ I’m dumb founded as how this is ethical? Not even an offer to continue to see me for a cash price. Just see ya- goodbye. Not even a hint at how to deal with my situation. An offer for a referral covered you I suppose but we all knew that would not work for my situation. You gave me the wrong information. I was given no other resources, even knowing I have zero. I just went thru another 3 days of illness and am struggling with that added layer but you still just left me alone like an old dog left in the desert to fend for themselves. Confounding and FUCKED UP by all involved. The more I think about this, the more fucked it is. How do you do this to me? How does this help me? I’m blaming myself here and this isn’t all on me. 

No one will notice me here alone with all my crap overflowing, not in the least little bit. Truth is when you don’t matter you just don’t matter. A little blip of dirt, thrown aside by the street sweeper and not found again. I’ve not screamed and cried and stirred up enough crap to be noticed. I simply show up and work hard. I am just looking for help. Not to stir shit up. Just not enough energy left. 

No pity party. Just facts of my current reality.  No one cares enough to come pick me up or show up for me. If I don’t care, I won’t expect anyone else to care either. T-R-U-T-H. 

Fuck it. Here’s to Helga keeping me from going any way at all. The store is plenty stocked up for our disassociating pleasure. Enjoy the ride baby enjoy the ride! 

Trying hard to keep my promise and wait. To survive the next few weeks to see if we have found a way in for me to find my way out. 

I’m just dying a little bit more every day. Worthless. Lola. Cinder. Denise. Vanessa. Lydia. Sloven. Ugh-A-Lug. Quazar. The Squad in Full Force commandeered Faddy the red Caddy. Joy ride. If you know you know. 

How will connection ever heal me when all it does is fuck with me? Go ahead somebody anybody. Kick me again while I’m down. Pile on. Is it good for you? 

I hope you’re still holding hope for me. I need it more than ever right now. You are the only one that has been there for me consistently. I have to believe you will show up again. I have one chance with what we found and I’m hoping it’s still viable. 

ISO (isolation)day 4. Disappointed. Discouraged. Defeated. Disbelief. Shut down. Sad. The things people do really suck. You won’t convince me any different

Sing it to me Gilbert https://youtu.be/vXL7y6km0a8?si=v2gImjdBMdU_qvDW

1.3.25

2025 Has Arrived

2025 

The last fireworks I remember hearing was around 1:30AM. The music was still pounding but not close enough by to bother us any longer. Three of my cats finally felt safe enough to fall asleep with me on the bed purring. 

I read lots of posts in groups about having a word of the year. It’s not something I’ve really ever done as to me, resolutions and even intentions can put pressure on and that is usually not helpful for my system. 

One thing I have been working so hard on is awareness of myself and my Self. I can’t say I always appreciate having so much awareness as I haven’t processed enough yet but it’s been a whirling mass of thoughts going on the last few days with two words standing out for me. So I thought why not put them out there for myself. Try something different to start this year. 

Word number one is safety. As I watch my precious kitties struggle to feel safe last night because of the noise, I reflected on how unsafe I feel everyday in so many ways. How I often feel so uncomfortable in my own skin, mostly because I’ve been cut off so long from my feelings that I’m afraid to feel them. Afraid they will overwhelm me but also afraid maybe I’ll never feel them again. I’m holding so much and it gets heavy, very heavy. 

Since realizing that so many things people try force on you just causes me distress, I’ve been able to at least be aware and continue to learn about my own system and triggers.The gold standard for most therapists is meditation and breathing but both of those also can cause trauma responses to come flowing out like they do in me.

 I just laugh now when someone tells me they are trauma informed yet they push me to do breathing and meditation. For now all I will say is pay attention to your responses. If it doesn’t feel right, it isn’t right for you. There is a reason your body or brain is shutting down or off. Listen! For years I thought I was doing something wrong yet what I was really doing was listening to my system object to what was being forced upon me. Now I’m finding more ways to feel safe and at ease. Slow and easy. Listen. Softer. More isn’t always better. 

Many things to say on the topic of trauma and the approaches taken in therapy but on a different day.

You can’t heal what you don’t reveal. I read this somewhere and it has just stuck with. Such a simple but profound thought. It also brings me to #2. 

Word number two is secrets. When I started thinking about the word secrets a bit ago, I had a very strong energetic reaction in my body. A signal, a release of some sort. That’s something that grabs my attention as it’s not my normal and I strive to find those connections for my mind/body and body/mind. 

Secrets have had such a huge impact on my life and they continue today. We had lots of secrets in my family. What really went on inside was not what it appeared as on the outside to others. I  never told any of our secrets. The main reason is simply that no one believed me. My mother was a pillar of the small town society. Church going do-gooder. The biggest bunch of bullshit I ever heard. 

Keeping things a secret is still so ingrained in me. Until recently I kept telling myself that I’m just a private person. I never share much. I don’t allow myself to be vulnerable and let people in. I see many reasons that make sense from my childhood. Secrets live in shame. 

Never getting any real validation of your self worth, mixed signals or just being berated daily by the adults that are supposed to love and care for you; to teach you about life, didn’t give me any sense of me being someone anyone would even care to know about. I always feel like I’m doing something wrong, that I’m just wrong. Never good enough. 

So the secrets just kept being held. In the name of privacy. Still to this day I keep so many secrets. If I’m going to lighten my load I need to allow myself to release. I need to just be me and let some of this shit out. Tell on myself. Out myself. Share myself. I don’t have any friends or others right now so what do I have to lose by being out with my authentic self? Even as fucked up as a mind space I’ve have been in recently, this still seems like a good thing to start with this new year. I already have a list of “my secret stuff”. You know, all the stuff I write in my other journals! Ha.

 New Year. No pressure. That’s not what my words are for- to add any kind of pressure to myself. They have just stood out so we are being aware. Learning. 

Small steps still get me there. Just like small breaths still keep me alive. I’ve just got to be me. 

Finding safety. Releasing secrets. Things I’ll be working on. No pressure for success as I am going to think that by just writing this, today has been successful. Small glimmers through the clouds. 

It’s a New Year. I don’t know what will happen but here I am. 

ISO day 3. Brain in overdrive 🧠. Not a bad thing   

1.1.25