2025 Has Arrived

2025 

The last fireworks I remember hearing was around 1:30AM. The music was still pounding but not close enough by to bother us any longer. Three of my cats finally felt safe enough to fall asleep with me on the bed purring. 

I read lots of posts in groups about having a word of the year. It’s not something I’ve really ever done as to me, resolutions and even intentions can put pressure on and that is usually not helpful for my system. 

One thing I have been working so hard on is awareness of myself and my Self. I can’t say I always appreciate having so much awareness as I haven’t processed enough yet but it’s been a whirling mass of thoughts going on the last few days with two words standing out for me. So I thought why not put them out there for myself. Try something different to start this year. 

Word number one is safety. As I watch my precious kitties struggle to feel safe last night because of the noise, I reflected on how unsafe I feel everyday in so many ways. How I often feel so uncomfortable in my own skin, mostly because I’ve been cut off so long from my feelings that I’m afraid to feel them. Afraid they will overwhelm me but also afraid maybe I’ll never feel them again. I’m holding so much and it gets heavy, very heavy. 

Since realizing that so many things people try force on you just causes me distress, I’ve been able to at least be aware and continue to learn about my own system and triggers.The gold standard for most therapists is meditation and breathing but both of those also can cause trauma responses to come flowing out like they do in me.

 I just laugh now when someone tells me they are trauma informed yet they push me to do breathing and meditation. For now all I will say is pay attention to your responses. If it doesn’t feel right, it isn’t right for you. There is a reason your body or brain is shutting down or off. Listen! For years I thought I was doing something wrong yet what I was really doing was listening to my system object to what was being forced upon me. Now I’m finding more ways to feel safe and at ease. Slow and easy. Listen. Softer. More isn’t always better. 

Many things to say on the topic of trauma and the approaches taken in therapy but on a different day.

You can’t heal what you don’t reveal. I read this somewhere and it has just stuck with. Such a simple but profound thought. It also brings me to #2. 

Word number two is secrets. When I started thinking about the word secrets a bit ago, I had a very strong energetic reaction in my body. A signal, a release of some sort. That’s something that grabs my attention as it’s not my normal and I strive to find those connections for my mind/body and body/mind. 

Secrets have had such a huge impact on my life and they continue today. We had lots of secrets in my family. What really went on inside was not what it appeared as on the outside to others. I  never told any of our secrets. The main reason is simply that no one believed me. My mother was a pillar of the small town society. Church going do-gooder. The biggest bunch of bullshit I ever heard. 

Keeping things a secret is still so ingrained in me. Until recently I kept telling myself that I’m just a private person. I never share much. I don’t allow myself to be vulnerable and let people in. I see many reasons that make sense from my childhood. Secrets live in shame. 

Never getting any real validation of your self worth, mixed signals or just being berated daily by the adults that are supposed to love and care for you; to teach you about life, didn’t give me any sense of me being someone anyone would even care to know about. I always feel like I’m doing something wrong, that I’m just wrong. Never good enough. 

So the secrets just kept being held. In the name of privacy. Still to this day I keep so many secrets. If I’m going to lighten my load I need to allow myself to release. I need to just be me and let some of this shit out. Tell on myself. Out myself. Share myself. I don’t have any friends or others right now so what do I have to lose by being out with my authentic self? Even as fucked up as a mind space I’ve have been in recently, this still seems like a good thing to start with this new year. I already have a list of “my secret stuff”. You know, all the stuff I write in my other journals! Ha.

 New Year. No pressure. That’s not what my words are for- to add any kind of pressure to myself. They have just stood out so we are being aware. Learning. 

Small steps still get me there. Just like small breaths still keep me alive. I’ve just got to be me. 

Finding safety. Releasing secrets. Things I’ll be working on. No pressure for success as I am going to think that by just writing this, today has been successful. Small glimmers through the clouds. 

It’s a New Year. I don’t know what will happen but here I am. 

ISO day 3. Brain in overdrive 🧠. Not a bad thing   

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