My Inner Dialog is Loud in January
Right now inside my head the conversations can be harsh. Challenging parts is how I refer to them. They say no bad parts but that can be hard to be consistent with those thoughts when the voices continue their barrage of self loathing and shame. Other parts want to yell stop it. Shut the fuck up. And often do.
It’s always a battle but there is never clear winners or losers as it seems they all coexist. Even with so much awareness it’s still difficult to reside here when it gets so loud. The Harsh Squad is prevalent and running the show a bit right now which I do understand as I look at the calendar.
Where did all these parts, thoughts, voices come from? It was huge for me to learn in therapy that all our thoughts come from others; we aren’t born with our brains full of everything we need. On the contrary, we are influenced by everyone and everything around us. We take it all in and make it our own. I had never once stopped to consider this simple, but oh so important concept.
As much as I relate to parts work and will continue to use it as much as it is helpful to me. I get very frustrated when I’m told I have all my answers inside. I find that to be such bullshit. I get what Self is, but Self didn’t come preloaded with all I need for my entire life span. Where did all those answers come from; seems like I am supposed to be able to tap some secret wealth of knowledge I have hidden away from a magic place that knows exactly what I need forever. Funny.
I have so much more awareness of myself these days because of my parts work, but awareness is much different than finding ways to make changes. How can I possibly expected to have all my answers? I need more input to find some of those answers. I been trying for 60 years to make sense of or peace with some things and have been unable to find solutions for myself. I need help. It’s hard enough for me ask; I’ve been let down most of my life. That has created hyper independence no doubt.
But these parts of me, these voices, the squad trying to destroy me have all become my harsh internal dialog with myself. The constant barrage hasn’t really changed, I’ve only learned to quiet it. Some want to die, some don’t want to live, some dysregulate and disassociate, some bring carelessness, hopelessness, and sabotage. Who is truly talking here? Where did these words, these thoughts, this huge sense of shame and self loathing come from? One thing changed my life forever but many additional things happened along the way.
Monster Of Mine. You were supposed to protect me, to teach me, to care for me, to love me. Instead. Useless, stupid, wrong, not good enough, fat and ugly, undeserving, not worthy, never enough. Worthless Whore. These are the things you said to me so many times over my years. All now parts of me that remind me what I have come to truly believe about myself. The you are turned to I am.
Not that long ago after reading one of my favorite therapist blogs on trauma, I had a revelation. She was talking about how treating yourself so poorly, having such harsh inner dialog is just continuing on what the original abuser started. I never had thought of it that way. A perfect example of not having all my answers.
This is a pretty heavy thought for me that hit hard and I think the beginning of really wanting to face all that I’m scared of and run from. While I haven’t made much progress with Harshland, I do know that there is a path that can be followed. It will be one of the hardest journeys I will ever take but if I don’t, I’m not going to make it.
Shame. It’s a horrible thing. It eats me up. Tortures me in so many ways. I do understand. My awareness of it all is great but that’s only the first step. Much work to do to make it out of this place and find somewhere nicer.
ISO Day 25. Me. Myself. My Squad.
1.24.25
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