Depression Post 100

100

 Depression. It has taken its toll on me. So hard to see my way out of the dark, especially alone. No joy. No pleasure. No hope for change. So challenging to even see any color some days. The tiredness of it all. Just wanting it to stop. 

My days are spent figuring out how to get to each next moment. Hoping most nights I won’t wake up to have to do it all over again. But when I do I just sigh and keep hoping somehow this will end, it might give me a reprieve. But no. This is my life. Mostly this is my death as I’m not really living but each day dying a little bit more. 

My sleep patterns are not consistent. I’m spending lots of time in bed early and late. Food is a struggle as nothing tastes like much at all let alone good. I worry what these episodes are doing to me internally. I can’t find any other paths. Floundering alone in my dark. 

Stuck in my muck that now feels so warm and comfy. I just stay here now, waiting for death. All the darkness will take me there. No more struggle, no more pain. I try hard to find your good. Is it really good that I am embracing from you? Depression is such a liar. 

I have no answers. I don’t cope but simply look for avoidance/escape at this point. My use of substances has increased to daily. I see no other escape from my thoughts that destroy me a little more everyday. My reality swallows me up in darkness. I must escape from this mind but I’m trapped. I can’t find any cracks, any light. 

Worthless. Yes. I hear you. You are winning right now. I believe you because you make it so it’s all I can see and hear as my truth. I don’t see much left for me here. Things don’t change. They just keep getting stronger and more powerful and all consuming. What happened happened. I can’t go back and make it better. I can only destroy myself as it doesn’t really matter to anyone else. I did this to myself.  Truth. My truth. I don’t see any other way out but to follow the darkness until it consumes me. I don’t find my answers yet no one has helped. 

How will I ever care enough about myself to make a difference. I have given all of myself away to others. I’m totally devoid of anything but crumbs left for Self.  Crumbs have no nutritional value. My mind is so cruel. Black. Ugly. Just make it stop. Please. How much more will I take? Can I take?  

ISO Day 10. Still alone. Hurting. Tired. Hopelessness. Is anyone still there? Triple D:  Doubtful. Discouraged. Defeated. 

100 posts all written from the roller coaster of my depressed mind. Perhaps the reason I keep coming back here is to document my death by depression. Suck it up buttercup. 

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