Alone Again
Feeling so lost and shut down. Just another experience to add to my list of why people suck. Left alone, during a time that is super challenging but who cares right? Why would I have actual help? I don’t matter if I don’t have money. I’m not in that tax bracket so I’m not deserving. As hard as anyone might argue it’s just the ugly truth. Someone like me really has no chance of healing with these rules.
I am beginning to think that therapy might be just as big of a scam as most everything else that has to do with people in my life. How do you just let someone go like that? Do you really care? $$$ I’m dumb founded as how this is ethical? Not even an offer to continue to see me for a cash price. Just see ya- goodbye. Not even a hint at how to deal with my situation. An offer for a referral covered you I suppose but we all knew that would not work for my situation. You gave me the wrong information. I was given no other resources, even knowing I have zero. I just went thru another 3 days of illness and am struggling with that added layer but you still just left me alone like an old dog left in the desert to fend for themselves. Confounding and FUCKED UP by all involved. The more I think about this, the more fucked it is. How do you do this to me? How does this help me? I’m blaming myself here and this isn’t all on me.
No one will notice me here alone with all my crap overflowing, not in the least little bit. Truth is when you don’t matter you just don’t matter. A little blip of dirt, thrown aside by the street sweeper and not found again. I’ve not screamed and cried and stirred up enough crap to be noticed. I simply show up and work hard. I am just looking for help. Not to stir shit up. Just not enough energy left.
No pity party. Just facts of my current reality. No one cares enough to come pick me up or show up for me. If I don’t care, I won’t expect anyone else to care either. T-R-U-T-H.
Fuck it. Here’s to Helga keeping me from going any way at all. The store is plenty stocked up for our disassociating pleasure. Enjoy the ride baby enjoy the ride!
Trying hard to keep my promise and wait. To survive the next few weeks to see if we have found a way in for me to find my way out.
I’m just dying a little bit more every day. Worthless. Lola. Cinder. Denise. Vanessa. Lydia. Sloven. Ugh-A-Lug. Quazar. The Squad in Full Force commandeered Faddy the red Caddy. Joy ride. If you know you know.
How will connection ever heal me when all it does is fuck with me? Go ahead somebody anybody. Kick me again while I’m down. Pile on. Is it good for you?
I hope you’re still holding hope for me. I need it more than ever right now. You are the only one that has been there for me consistently. I have to believe you will show up again. I have one chance with what we found and I’m hoping it’s still viable.
ISO (isolation)day 4. Disappointed. Discouraged. Defeated. Disbelief. Shut down. Sad. The things people do really suck. You won’t convince me any different
Sing it to me Gilbert https://youtu.be/vXL7y6km0a8?si=v2gImjdBMdU_qvDW
1.3.25
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