Strength

I’ve shared my cancer diagnosis with very few people. I’m a super private person but I’m trying to tell more because I know I can’t do this alone. One thing that has been a trigger for me and not in a good way is when I share my news and they say to me you’re a strong woman. Yes I am a strong woman and proud of it. But what exactly does that mean? I have been grappling to redefine my perception of that term. 

I’ve always been a strong woman for as long as I can remember. I look like I have it all together and nothing fazes me. I am fiercely independent, outspoken and headstrong, and I’m not one to take shit from anyone. If you are my friend I am loyal, dependable, and always have your back often putting you before myself. 

I’ve had no other choice than to be strong. I’ve had only myself to pick me up when I’ve been knocked down and continue on. I’ve never been afraid of making decisions because I know they need to be made, not because it was easy. I’ve been through many things in my life that others may have found unbearable. I’m hardened by those events as they’ve been filled with enough hurt to last my lifetime but I rarely complain or share these hardships. 

But strength is often confused with hardness. I can be perceived as cold, curt, and unapproachable. Having only myself to stand up for me has made me learn to push my feelings deep inside so I can pretend they don’t exist. Over the years this behavior has made it difficult for me to open up to new people; instead shutting the door to guard my heart.

 Most assume I never need anything. I too had convinced myself that I could be an island and do it alone. Being strong all the time takes a toll. I have just finally admitted that strong people need help and support. Behind my smile and I’m OK is truly pain. I often cry alone until I fall asleep or can’t cry anymore. I am so tired right now. Exhausted from everything that has been going on for me in this challenging year of 2021. This rock has many cracks right now. It’s hard to admit these things but I have to be able to be honest with myself and others if I’m to make changes for my mental and physical well-being. 

Having emotions doesn’t make me weak. 

Asking for help doesn’t make me weak.

Saying I am not OK doesn’t make me weak.

Needing support doesn’t make me weak.

I am working on believing these things. While you may have the best of intentions I ask you to please use caution when saying things like: you are so strong, you got this, think positive, you’re only given what you can handle. What if I need to feel like I don’t have to be strong, at least temporarily? What if I need to be allowed to cry, be sad, be mad, or to just let go? These are things I haven’t allowed myself to do for so long.

Please allow me to be human so I can find my way back.