Hopeful Silence

 I’ve been quiet here. So much happening within. Discovery and recovery. Uncovering and unburdening. Getting naked from the inside out. I’m grateful to be trying something new and hopeful that it can help me find some answers. Healing is hard work. Surviving is harder. 

Monsters

 The monster inside

Deep within

Under

the basement

It escapes for just a brief time

And I have to start all over again

3-24-23

Heavy Answers

I have been trying to process a lot of heavy things that I’ve been carrying for so many years recently. Trauma. I find it hard to even say that word and associate it with myself. So many things I just don’t want believe about myself. Reality. Being honest and really seeing and admitting to my truths is just a first step. Grief is not something I had considered in this context. But it is something that I feel is right there, under the surface, waiting to be set free. 

The disconnect of my feelings and emotions between my mind and my body can be oh so uncomfortable at times. I recently had an epiphany of sorts relating to this connection. I have had chronic pain for quite a few years now from arthritis in my hips, shoulders, hands and back. I’ve learned how to accept a certain pain level and shut down those feelings of pain. So for someone like me, how do I reconnect my brain and body and not return to intolerable pain levels? Have I shut it all down even prior to this depression? There’s has to be an answer for people like me. I need a different approach than the norm. 

The search continues. Lack of connection within self. More questions. Few answers. I’m not unhappy about it. At least I keep asking questions. Someday they'll all be answered. 

Started on 3-8 finished 3-19-23

Perfect Date

 My perfect date! My kind of connection. Listening and vibrating. What more do I need?!! 🤭

3-2-23

She’s Back…….

                                                                                     

After 133 days (19 weeks) I saw my therapist today. Anxious. Yes. Concerned. Yes. Grateful. Yes. Happy. Yes. I was surprised at how easy it was. I had expected more resistance from myself but there wasn’t a need. It doesn’t seem like too much repair will be necessary. We both came back as different people but it still felt pretty comfortable.  

Navigating maternity leave. Not something I want to do again in the near future or ever: keeping it real. I just need a better plan in place. Better plan...haha...how about having an actual plan. That is being more honest. I am pretty discouraged with others right now. I will need to really put some thought into this.

I truly thought I could just take a break. I had convinced myself that it would be fine. Never one to shy away from admitting my mistakes, boy was I wrong on this one. The very first weeks I was panicky. I was in a type of withdrawal. It was difficult and confusing to go from having such an outlet to having nothing. I wrote pages and pages in several different journals those first few weeks. 

Of course I missed the feedback and knowledge but what I missed the most was the safe space that took many months and a lot of work to build. I hope it still exists. I have so much more I need to share. It's been quite the 133 days.

2-28-23

Me.

 

 Trust

Trust. TRUST. Trust. One of my least favorite words. I don’t seem to have much trust in anything or anyone right now. I recognize this as pretty big problem because that anyone includes me. I don’t trust myself. I am questioning most everything; the decisions and choices I am making in every aspect of my life. 

I can’t remember a period that I have felt this confused for so long with no idea what to do about it. As excited as I was about my new job, at the end of week 3 now, I have many questions if this is the right place. To be having doubts about my abilities to do a job that’s not new scares me. 

I have been realizing there are many things I can no longer do. My brain constantly lies to me about these things but I do see my reality. While I am working hard to change it, it seems I have been more accepting of my truths; mostly that my body is unable to function well. But then I worry if acceptance will make me complacent and I will quit trying to get better.  

I have not been able to walk unassisted for 3 years now. Having limited mobility can be very frustrating. Pain and weakness have been my daily for 3.5 years. Of course its super difficult for me to ask for help. I wonder if that in itself is why I have not made much progress physically. I push myself to do things I shouldn’t be doing to my body. Hurting instead is healing. At times there seems to be no other options. Still lots of Ghosts. Goes both ways now.

Trust. Where am I going to find my own? It’s lost or buried. Oh how I hate just floating along. Pointless. I can’t seem to change how I feel about that. Should we not all have some purpose for our lives?

Self. Trust. Broken. Fuck. 

2-24-23 

 Connection

I have to admit my forward progress has slowed tremendously the last few months. I’m not going to beat myself up over it for once. I suppose I could call that progress if it’s true. 

I have been doing my best to work on myself when I’m able. It’s been much slower going but it can come to a screeching halt when I hear two concepts about healing and self love.

 One is you can’t love anyone else until you love yourself. I have believed this for most of my life and since I’m pretty devoid of self love I just assumed I’ve been bad at loving others; failure in relationships. But recently I’ve been reading something different which is that others can actually help you love yourself. My thought: maybe. Of course my choices of people makes a difference, but that still causes me an issue.

Connection with others. That’s second thing I hear so often: you can not heal without connection. Boom. POW. Wham. Batman. Another steel door on my house. I just don’t desire connection. At all. I am perfectly honest with myself about it. Everyone I have ever trusted has betrayed me. At some point they have all used things that I have shared to hurt me. Why would I want to continue trusting or being open when this is my result?  Rigid thinking, yes. I am not willing to make myself vulnerable. I am unwilling to be open. I plain and simple have no desire to bring more pain upon myself. That is what is connection represents for me…PAIN. 

So my rabbit hole…I need connection to heal and connection can help me with self love. I still don’t want it! See the four letter P word above. Which leads me to: I guess I will never heal and Something is the matter with me since I don’t want connection. 

Stop signs. I don’t know if I can turn them in to green lights. 

2-14-23

Knowledge

 Knowledge 

I was recently fired from a job I was at for 4 years. I was let go because I don’t have any acceptable initials at the end of my name aka a degree. This was an interpretation of the accreditation rules and was mentioned to me 8 months ago. I was called, told of the “rule” and then they tried to strong arm into enrolling in a program. I politely declined. Not one other mention of this until I was called into a meeting and fired. 

To me this entire situation was handled so unprofessional. The company did some very questionable things to hide problems from the accreditation board. I was out on medical leave at the end of last year, which was approved. I came back, was called to a ZOOM meeting where I fired. My direct manager, the regional dean, HR, and campus director were all in attendance. Not one of them bothered to turn their camera on to speak with me. I was fired looking at a Zoom screen with dark boxes. That is fucked up. I was a good employee, always got good reviews and was even told there was no issue with my performance. 

Back to the degree. I guess I haven’t mentioned I’m an instructor. I teach at a career college(technical school) about the job I’ve been doing for 29 years. I’m almost ready to retire. Taking general education classes to finish a degree doesn’t make sense for me. It’s not going to make me a better teacher in the subject matter that I deal with. My results speak for themselves as my students do well and most are out in the world working in their new career.

I have no qualms with education. I respect your degrees and I consider myself a life long learner.  When something interests me I will soak up all I can about the subject. It just seems to me that we undervalue experience. I find that so unfortunate as peoples experiences are such wonderful lessons.

So let me ask….would you rather have an instructor with 29 years of actual experience in the field or 3 years and an Associate degree? 

2-7-23

Sauce

 Sauce

It’s Sunday afternoon and I smell sauce. Tomato sauce. My Italian tomato sauce recipe that’s been stored in my head for 52 years and counting. I haven’t had the pleasure of the aroma for a very long time. I haven’t even had a thought of making sauce for a few years. I have to say it smells so good. Vine ripened tomatoes, sweet onion, mushies, sweet basil oh the yum! 

Tomorrow is a big day for me. I am starting a new job. Yes I said new job. You see a month ago I was fired from the old place. The reason had nothing to do with my performance but simply a matter of not having enough initials at the end of my name. I have a lot to say about that topic and will save it for another post. The only thing that has bothered me about getting fired is the loss of the paycheck. I have not been sad one bit about being gone from there. 

I have never been fired in my entire life but if this is what it’s like, it’s been a good thing for me. As many times as I was told, I still didn’t realize the damage to myself that was happening while I was working there. My recovery has entailed much more than I ever imagined. It’s going to take me some time to get back all that I gave up. 

I feel strange today because I actually feel good about tomorrow. This is new and a bit of wonderful so sorely lacking but this job started out in such a positive light. I was contacted by an old boss and I interviewed for this job 2 weeks ago. I received an offer and after thinking it thru, I had resigned myself to not accepting the position. Essentially I knew realistically that my physical self could not manage the job that was presented.Nothing the matter with my brain but my body is important too. I have been working so hard to heal. I told them I couldn’t accept and why. I was then asked to please wait until the end of the day before calling HR. A couple hours later they called me back and gave me everything I asked for to accommodate my needs. I was blown away! Tears flowed freely which in this Zombie depression is significant. Speechless, but managed to get out a yes of course I’ll accept and thank you. They let me know that they value my skills and actually want me as an employee. VALIDATION! That has felt amazing. But I hesitate because I need to make sure I figure out how to not make this an old pattern.

I have super low self esteem. I have discovered that I have lived my my entire life thinking my self worth and value was tied to productivity and how much I could do for others mostly. I was never encouraged or really allowed to foster anything within myself; not allowed to develop being myself. Never good enough(a work in progress). I looked externally for that value with no understanding that my worth comes from within. For so many years I was able to manifest these external rewards that I thought kept me sustained. Four years ago I lost all of that when I could no longer be self employed due to my health. After 22 years I had to go back to work for someone else. I felt lost and empty. I’m sure my brain started crashing at that time but it didn’t let me notice until I got cancer and it finally said HELP ME please! I can’t handle this any longer.

I guess my confusion is am I putting too much on getting this job? Can I just feel good about it and realize I also need to be balanced with it. I hope I’m making sense. I really need something to feel good about so I will stay aware and maybe not over value? Hmmm. Input please….(16 weeks now PS😟)

A fresh start tomorrow doing a job I know and enjoy with new people around me. I will go with my head up and a intentional smile on my face with high hopes of it staying there. Fighting those little voices of how is this goodness happening to me. 

It’s been a long time since I made my sauce. I know it’s going to taste delicious! Just like tomorrow…..it’s been a long time.

2-5-23

My 15 minute DYI

 Five Days

I am starting this by saying how disappointed I am in how my Procreate drawing uploaded above. I will figure out why it looks so blurry and fix it! Update (Just click on the picture to see it clearly 😉) On to the inspiration. 

People don't believe you when you tell them you’re alone. Of course that doesn’t mean I live on an island and don’t interact and with anyone. There are a few who will help me when it’s convenient for them. But as far as a support system I haven’t had one in place since my brother died.

Here’s my most recent DYI. I was told my brake light was out. I stopped at AutoZone and purchased new bulbs. Next day I watched a few how to YouTube videos and then proceeded to my car for the install. I could not replicate those YouTube instructions so I watched a few more. I realized I needed a 10mm wrench and I did not have. I put out an ask for help and got zero response. Surprise. Plan B. I ordered the wrench from Amazon. With Prime delivery it came the next day. Back to the car to remove light assembly. Voila! I can now get to the bulbs to change them but guess what? I was given the incorrect bulbs for my car at AutoZone and now my tail assembly was disconnected. I could put it all back together, drive back to AutoZone, hope they have the right bulbs, come back and take it all apart and replace but I’m choosing the easier for me Plan C. Back to Amazon to order new correct bulbs. Prime next day. Bulbs arrive late. It’s now day 5 of my 15 minute DIY project. But hallelujah! I got everything installed, working, and put back together properly. 

THIS IS MY LIFE. Alone. I’m proud of myself for figuring it out and finishing but it’s not easy to live like this. Especially now with my health struggles. Sometimes I don’t have a plan B or C. What then? I’m scared of that day coming. 

2-3-23

PS: Still doesn’t convince me for connection 

The group of people called therapists

 Finding a Therapist…my personal experiences 

My therapist has been on maternity leave for 15 weeks and 3 days now. Yes I’m counting. I’m hoping only 3 more weeks until she returns. I will make a separate post about this soon. I made a mistake by not finding someone else to see while she has been gone. My plan was to just take a break and work on improving my daily life. That didn’t work out well for me. 

I did try finding someone else and my experiences were honestly fucked up! I reached out to a total of 22 different therapists that I found from searching several hundred. I excluded the 12 who courteously replied by email they weren’t taking new clients even though their listing stated otherwise. All of them offered free consults which I took advantage of. Three of them didn’t bother to show up at the scheduled time even when confirmed and no communication they weren’t coming(so unprofessional). One challenged me for asking her questions and then told me I wasn’t right for her practice because I asked(I thought therapy was a collaboration not a dictatorship). Two showed and said they had no space for several months(why take the consult when I need someone now?). One told me to try Better Help. One I contacted thru a low cost service told me she gave away her last sliding scale spot the night before but could see me at full price(I call BS on the night before). 

Ten rejections. Ten failures. Hopeless. Empty. This is how I felt after these encounters. Sure I am responsible for my own feelings but here’s what I’d like to say to any therapist that might be reading this:

I am so happy that mental health is in the public eye now more than ever and people are getting help, which means you all have an abundance of clients/patients available to make your living. Update your info online. When it says taking new patients I assume you are. While I respect and honor your right to help who you choose, PLEASE pause and check within yourself when making those choices out loud. There are many like me truly hurting and first impressions, actions and words can be very impactful. Treat your consults as professional, delicate and gentle as a session. None of us know what’s really going on in each other.

From my experiences I don’t have a very good opinion of therapists in general. I never found anyone to help me get through this time. It has been hard being alone again with all my thoughts. I can only hope I’ll get mine back in three weeks. I don’t know what I’ll do if that doesn’t happen. 15 weeks, three days and still counting.

2-2-23

Rest

Ups and Downs 

Rest

I often say I’m living the roller coaster of life. It’s a good visual of reality, as life provides us a wide variety of experiences. We need all of them; good, bad, ugly, sad. I’ve ridden that roller coaster for many years but it’s different now. Being on Life’s Coaster with depression makes the dips go lower, darker, and the peaks are so much harder to climb. Many days are exhausting.

One of the most important things I’ve learned from my therapist is about rest. Yes it sounds simple but honestly I never truly understood that Rest is doing something. I need to repeat that.,, rest is doing something! My thoughts on rest used to tell me it was a waste of time. It never dawned on me to make it an actual activity. Not just an activity but one that is vital for good overall health of mind, body, and soul. 

A big part of this is self awareness. Simply paying attention to what your thinking, what your body is saying. Stop and pause to assess. And then LISTEN 👂. When I actually started to do this I was so surprised by how many things I was trying to tell myself but just ignored. Not surprising since I don’t do a very good job taking care of myself. 

Over the past months, I’ve gotten better at the listening for when I need rest.  I try very hard to honor my need for rest as a part of my self healing. Rest can be as simple as take a few breaths or change the scenery, sit down or actually lay down and sleep. It’s a reprieve, a get away, a refresher. You’re not resting if your mind is racing! 

My body has been telling me things for years and I hadn’t really heard a word it said. I guess the cancer demanded I change that. I must say I don’t believe I gave myself cancer but I do think it definitely was a desperate cry to self to wake up and make changes before it was too late. My health hasn’t been the best. Resting because I need it is now understood and  utilized as a big part of my Self care. 

I am starting to feel a tiny bit better.  I’ll take it. Any healing is better than zero. 

Who knew that you could learn about rest from your therapist? Thankful for the lessons 

2-2-23

2023

                                                                         2023

Yes I’m still here. Still struggling. Hope to start sharing again here. I have a lot more to say. 

1-25-2023

The Basement full of secrets

Defeated,

I went beyond the basement

Greeted there by The END and Deeper.

We all sat awhile

I listened.

The END was so very strong but,

Deeper more convincing.

This time

Written on 4-4-22

Thinking I will add more

Support System Deficiency 

I’m told we all need a system of support, a safety net, that we can count on to help us through the rough patches in our life. My safety net died in 2004. My brother, my best friend in this lifetime. It’s hard to find the words to describe our relationship. Never judgmental, always supportive, kind, and loving. He kept me on my path. 

We spent most every Saturday together in the spa or pool which would morph into dinner then cards, games, or a movie. We shared our weeks happenings with each other. We held nothing back and no topic was off limits. More than anyone else in my life my brother taught me what unconditional love was all about. And then he was gone. Losing him created such a huge void for me.

I thought I was managing until the question was asked- Who is your support system? I had to really put some thought into this because my reality is I have no one. I am sure I could make a list with a few names on it who would help me with certain things, but right here and right now no one truly knows me and what’s happening. 

People say I will support you but I’m not sure what that means as I have been mostly alone during my journey with cancer and into my mental health struggles. It’s also often said that you isolate yourself when you’re depressed. I have to disagree because I have found that people generally don’t want to hear about the hard times. So am I truly self-isolating?

What does supporting someone mean to you? For me the term is holding space. It’s more difficult than it might seem.

I wrote an entire blog entry on being strong. I have been trying to redefine that word in my vocabulary because as a person who is genuine giver my choices for friends don’t always fulfill many of my needs. I definitely see how my tendencies have led me to this place of having so little support. 

Right now I am so thankful for the many different ways my therapist provides support. At the same time it makes me sad that this is where I am at and also conflicted at times because that is her job. It is for me a genuinely safe space that provides a ray of much needed hope.

Friends…More listening, less busy. Be willing to just be there..come as you are. 

I don’t know how my story ends yet. 

4-4-22

Awakening is a painful process. It’s brutal. Everything you thought you knew no longer is the way you know it to be. The sun looks different. Foods don’t taste the same. Conversations are held up to a new standard. Then, you find yourself on an island, raising your white flag, praying for another wakened soul to show you how to navigate your new surroundings. It is an unfolding of your soul. The pain is caused from ironing out the creases, trying to remove remnants of the former self. But it doesn’t work that way. The creases are scars, remnants of the journey you trekked to arrive at this destination. To lessen the pain you must surrender. You have to be ok with not being ok. Observe your unfolding . . . . For not only are you awakening to a new world, you are awakening to your true self.

~ S. Moultrup 

Longing for that awakening.

3-20-22

 

This is the only plan I have. Pretty wide open. 

3-10-22

 Struggling

I’ve really been struggling this week with wanting to give up. Everything I’ve gone thru and all that I’ve done to improve myself, my health, and yet I feel like there is so much left to over come. I get so overwhelmed and then lose hope. It’s still massive. I wonder if I am going to be able to find solutions. I can’t move forward until I solve a 50 year in the making lack of self love. 

Self-love: a state of appreciation for oneself that grows from actions that support our physical, psychological, and spiritual growth. Self-love means having a high regard for your own well-being and happiness. Self-love means taking care of your own needs and not sacrificing your well-being to please others. Self-love means not settling for less than you deserve. Self love means accepting yourself as you are in this very moment for everything that you are. It means accepting your emotions for what they are and putting your physical, emotional, and mental well-being first. 

I found the above in something I was reading. While it makes sense to me, it’s just not how my brain sees or believes and not how I have been living. I think most every person I know would not have a clue that outside of work I don’t really take very good care of myself and have very low self esteem. I have become expert at compartmentalizing all the different aspects of my life. It’s almost like I have a few different personalities and bring out which ever I need. I wonder if my brain broke because it became so confused. Maybe it’s just saying WTF. 

Searching for answers just keeps me finding more questions. This is not living. 

3-8-22

                                                          Going on is not a given

 Degeneration or Regeneration

I long for more moments to be able to experience that connection of body, heart, and mind again. Some days so desperate with almost irrational thoughts of how to create it. My feelings. Where have you gone? The memories from last weekend still with me. Life without feeling is death. 

My hope is fading. It seems at every turn all I find is more questions. At first it feels good to arrive and uncover. But those feelings soon give way to the reality of how enormously fucked up I am. I have so many doubts of ever being able to heal and overcome. It’s overwhelming. I don’t know how much longer I can continue to be here for myself. My days are becoming increasingly harder. I don’t mind the uncomfortable but I’m precariously hanging on to a thread that can snap at any moment. It’s not a matter of if, it’s a matter of when. 

The darkness and emptiness still surrounds me. The castle that I put so much effort into constructing layer by layer turns out not to be that fairy tale for retirement, but instead more of a horror film. I have become a POS- prisoner of self. There are no doors; they have been blocked for many years. The windows have not been clear enough to see through and light only graces the inside because of the exposure of minute cracks due to age. 

Broken brain. Escape is but a dream. I can’t find my way out of the nothingness. The walls collapse, crushing my soul.

3-6-22

Going outside the lines

A recent group of thoughts made me realize that I haven’t looked at myself in a mirror for many months. The last time I did, I had no real recognition of who that was looking back. The longing to find any semblance of myself has made me even more open to taking risks. 

I did a thing. I cried.

To feel actual tears flowing down my cheeks

A true release

Pink Floyd to ELO to Prince

I sang.

so loud I scared my cats

and then fell off my couch in laughter

I fucking danced, not well, but

I fucking danced! 

A whole gamut of emotions came and went

Every single one savored and fully experienced.

I went in search of answers but

Instead found feelings

Unexpected.

Magic.

Wonderfullyintensivelyoverwhelmimglyexcitingmassivelyunendingdeliciously 

challengingultimateemotionalconnectionawarenessfullspectrumexperience!!!

Holy fuck. 

Yesterday I did a thing. It’s been decades. For a few precious hours I actually felt something- my heart and brain and body and mind were reunited. To experience that comfort and contentment when it’s been absent for so long is not a single word I have in my vocabulary, thus my ode to Mary Poppins Super-cali-fragil-istic-expi-ali-docious! above.

The only thing absent at the end of the day was a hug.

2-27-22

 

You can be the side effect

I’d rather be the dope

-Prince-

 Broken Brain continues

There’s so many frustrating things about having depression. One is making it  all the way into this current state of Zombie. Pretty devoid of true emotions. Such a shitty place to live. The second thing is why I can’t figure out how to fix myself. 

I’ve been transparent with the fact that I’m currently in therapy. It’s been super difficult to know that I need to trust someone else to help me. It’s taken me awhile but I have been able to reveal things about myself that I’ve not ever told anyone. I do trust that I won’t get hurt there. Uncomfortable sure but that’s expected. You can’t heal what you don’t reveal. I read that somewhere and now try to repeat it to myself prior to my appointments. Trying every week to allow more truth to come out because I know how valuable insight is to my provider being able help me.

The picture that I posted says so much to me. If I answer the question truthfully it’s because it’s hard to give a fuck about much of anything right now. My lack of caring for myself has been at an all time low. I forget to eat or just don’t. I don’t remember to brush my hair or teeth everyday. I wear the same clothes a lot. I haven’t done my laundry in over a month. Finally washed my dishes after a month. I could go on as it’s ugly but it’s my current reality. It’s incredibly tough to admit these things to myself let alone put them here for all to read. I’ve deleted and rewritten this several times but ultimately decided to share. A new level of low. For me. If it’s part of this illness, it truly sucks.  

What does all this mean? Am I giving up or is it just part of this fucked up brain of mine? Will it all come crashing down? Will I step off the ledge?  I don’t have the answers. I’m still searching. I just don’t want it to be desperately because I think that will be too late.

2-19-22

Broken Brain

Jethro Gibbs rule number 28: When you need help-ask. 

 

Depression. If you’re lucky you could also get the bonus of episodes of high anxiety and flat out panic attacks. I say this in jest but it’s been my reality for months now. Trying to navigate this new reality everyday is challenging to say the least. Every single day is a struggle. Some days demand me to find every bit of energy I can just to navigate the day. 

It’s so frustrating because I think I should be fixing myself and I can’t figure out how. Believe me I try. I’m trying hard to allow the professional to utilize the training and expertise they have to help me. I just keep telling myself I could truly do more harm than good to myself by not listening to them. It’s still difficult to trust and depend on someone else but I’m getting better at it.

So what does it feel like to be depressed? Here’s some of my thoughts as I’ve been dealing with it:

Like shit. Like nothingness. A big black hole. Hopelessness. Frustration and inadequacy. Empty. Worthless. Failure. Drowning. Massive. Messy. Endless. No future. Zombie. Heavy. Shame. Prisoner. Overwhelming. Done with life. Suffocating. On an island full of darkness. Lonely. Loud. Painful. Confused. Sad. Nobody’s home.Life sentence. Trapped. A horror film that I can’t wake up from. 

I’m living with no joy or pleasure or sense of worth.

I can’t get out of my own way. 

I’ve fully lost myself with zero idea how to find me. 

Life without feeling is death. 

I still go to bed and hope I never wake up. Broken brain. Fucked up mind. Simply existing. I don’t know who this is inside my mind but I’m giving my best actress job to most. Not a place I want to continue to live. 

Depression sucks! 

I wish…..                                 

2-2-22

I enjoy the  drawings in this video. 

https://youtu.be/z-IR48Mb3W0

 Trying to rest today. Not just my body but my mind too. Always a hard week. So much attached to the memories. 

 

 The topic of suicide is not exactly something that many people are willing to discuss. I certainly can understand how uncomfortable it may be and maybe hard to understand for many. It’s been on my mind a lot. 

So many changes for me the past two years. Almost everything in my life plan has been altered. Honestly I don’t recognize myself much these days. The darkness and emptiness, the lack of worth, of purpose, and most of all joy; struggling everyday for a reason.to want to continue. For me, like many others, thoughts of suicide are not really about wanting to die but instead about not knowing if I want to live any longer. 

They say suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. But is this always the case? I was reading an article entitled “Rational Suicide”. Just the title intrigued me. The article was about how older adults, especially those in assisted living facilities, have been gathering outside of their facilities to discuss options for suicide. They are creating a plan to choose when they die prior to dementia or Alzheimer’s taking their choice away. At these meetings they share different methods of how to end their own life. These meetings take place away from their residences as apparently this topic is not allowed on the inside. Why? Because the facilities can be punished by Medicare for suicides that happen there. 

As a long time health care provider I don’t have an issue with wanting to be able to die when we choose. I see so much suffering. We should all have this choice. Not just the terminally ill. Protecting life at all costs has never made much sense to me. It’s one of those just because we can doesn’t mean we should. The dilemma seems to be is taking your own life ever rational? 

I’m not sure I can truly answer that question. I say yes it can be. But this is broken me talking. Are my thoughts on this right now rational? Again I feel like they are but….. Right now I am trying to figure out if I really want to keep living. That’s the honest truth. I’ve not put a time limit on it but what I can say is the way I am living right now I cannot sustain forever. Life without feeling is death. 

On a recent pod cast I caught, the psychotherapist was saying that suicide is all about anger and hate. While I could see where he is coming from, for me it’s about some other emotions too, especially pain. The pain of feeling the nothingness and the hopelessness. Not knowing if I’m willing or even want to fight my way through. These are feelings I’ve not had before so who is to say I can be fixed. Doubts easily creep in. 

As hard as I have been working to deal with my physical health issues, I still have so much more I have to go through to get my body well. Then there’s this fucked up mind of mine. This all has taken a massive toll on me. This depression and anxiety and panic attacks. It’s all so foreign and overwhelming. And I’m still so tired. 

The hardest thing is trying to care >>>>>> about myself. I’m not sure if I even know how. 

1-14-22

This happened on 1-15-22

 2022….It’s a new year. I wish I was feeling the happiness that is supposed to come with the start of a new year. I’m just not there. 

I started this blog to share my health journey, my navigating breast cancer. The one thing I am leaving behind in 2021 is the actual cancer itself. There is always a risk of it returning or getting it in the other breast but while it will be in the back of my mind it’s not at the top of my list any longer. So what is? Physically that would be chronic pain from hips, back, and headaches. But my number 1 priority right now is my mental health.

While mental health care has certainly been out in the public eye thanks to people like Simone Biles and Michael Phelps, I never, in my wildest, ever would have seen myself here. Depression, anxiety, panic attacks, and thoughts of suicide have been a daily reality for me. Most people do not understand that you don’t just wake up and get over it. This is all new to me. I  don’t feel like I’m coping well. Broken. 

I am sure that I have been depressed for much longer than I am aware of. I seemed to manage it until events in my life just overwhelmed me and my ability to cope was interrupted in a big way. I get frustrated because I have been able to find answers and solutions to everything that I have encountered in my life. I’ve depended upon myself for so many years. This is so different and unfamiliar. I don’t know how to fix this for myself. 

To be clear I am seeing a psychologist as I recognize I need professional help. Accepting the help and trusting the process takes time. I have never been in therapy before except for a short forced stint as a teenager. I have no idea how it works or what to expect. It’s very peculiar telling someone things about yourself that you’ve not ever told anyone else. Fixing anything is never easy with no exception for this fucked up brain of mine. It is at times uncomfortable and I must force myself to be honest. I try to remember that my therapist is not judging but they cannot help if they don’t know. I can’t heal if I don’t reveal. 

What I do know is every single day is hard. Every single day is painful. I am tired. I am struggling. My current reality is truly unknown. This is no place to live. 

1-9-22

                    

Glad you are here

 

Welcome to this fluffy old woman’s page. I created this because I have so much inside that desperately wants out. You have been invited here because I truly need your support during this journey. This really is out of my comfort zone, opening the door to my life, but how can you be there if you don’t know what’s going on? Please share your thoughts as I am always searching for input. It’s much needed right now. 

The posting dates for my blog were stuck for awhile but seem to have corrected for my 2022 posts. This is the first post on my blog. Keep scrolling to read thru DEC 2021

                                    Unexpected…

This year I have been struggling with my health. It’s not something I am accustomed to, so learning to navigate the healthcare system as a patient has been truly eye opening. Trying to find answers and get treatment for the known has been my mission. Hip and back pain and massive migraines plague me daily along with other frustrating symptoms. COVID restrictions set me behind in finding and receiving treatment. At an appointment in May I asked for an order to get a mammogram as it had been awhile. I usually request a copy of the radiology report along with the films but this time I didn’t. I returned to my primary care about a week after the mammogram and was told everything was normal. I didn’t give it another thought. Two weeks later I received a letter from the imaging company asking me why I hadn’t followed up with as there was abnormal findings on my mammogram. I had another appointment the next day so I took the letter and questioned my provider. The answer I received was truly unacceptable. The truth was she never reviewed my scans. I knew I wouldn’t be coming back to that office. So I had to start again and find a new primary care in a hurry as this issue needed addressed ASAP. Not an easy task when you have to choose from a list in your insurance booklet. I got lucky and found a gem of a doctor. 

After a diagnostic and ultrasound sound and biopsy in July, I was diagnosed with breast cancer. So unexpected and difficult to hear. I had to now add cancer to my list of issues and it had to jump to the top priority. Thankfully I knew what surgeon I wanted to see and what my procedure choice would be. I was scheduled quickly and had my surgery two weeks ago. I am healing well from the surgery with a few to be expected issues. 

I am still waiting to know if I will need chemo. I am still waiting to know the course of radiation. I also might have a second surgery. I need more info before making my decision. As a patient, waiting is difficult. 

Please be your own advocate for your healthcare. Get a copy of your records and read what was written. Ask questions. Call your insurance company to get your out of pocket costs. While I mentioned the issue with my former primary care, I have had an issue with each provider I have dealt with along the way(except my surgeons office) from being over charged to scheduling mistakes to lack of communication. Stress is not my friend while I’m dealing with cancer. 

My mind is struggling to make sense of this all. 

Strength

I’ve shared my cancer diagnosis with very few people. I’m a super private person but I’m trying to tell more because I know I can’t do this alone. One thing that has been a trigger for me and not in a good way is when I share my news and they say to me you’re a strong woman. Yes I am a strong woman and proud of it. But what exactly does that mean? I have been grappling to redefine my perception of that term. 

I’ve always been a strong woman for as long as I can remember. I look like I have it all together and nothing fazes me. I am fiercely independent, outspoken and headstrong, and I’m not one to take shit from anyone. If you are my friend I am loyal, dependable, and always have your back often putting you before myself. 

I’ve had no other choice than to be strong. I’ve had only myself to pick me up when I’ve been knocked down and continue on. I’ve never been afraid of making decisions because I know they need to be made, not because it was easy. I’ve been through many things in my life that others may have found unbearable. I’m hardened by those events as they’ve been filled with enough hurt to last my lifetime but I rarely complain or share these hardships. 

But strength is often confused with hardness. I can be perceived as cold, curt, and unapproachable. Having only myself to stand up for me has made me learn to push my feelings deep inside so I can pretend they don’t exist. Over the years this behavior has made it difficult for me to open up to new people; instead shutting the door to guard my heart.

 Most assume I never need anything. I too had convinced myself that I could be an island and do it alone. Being strong all the time takes a toll. I have just finally admitted that strong people need help and support. Behind my smile and I’m OK is truly pain. I often cry alone until I fall asleep or can’t cry anymore. I am so tired right now. Exhausted from everything that has been going on for me in this challenging year of 2021. This rock has many cracks right now. It’s hard to admit these things but I have to be able to be honest with myself and others if I’m to make changes for my mental and physical well-being. 

Having emotions doesn’t make me weak. 

Asking for help doesn’t make me weak.

Saying I am not OK doesn’t make me weak.

Needing support doesn’t make me weak.

I am working on believing these things. While you may have the best of intentions I ask you to please use caution when saying things like: you are so strong, you got this, think positive, you’re only given what you can handle. What if I need to feel like I don’t have to be strong, at least temporarily? What if I need to be allowed to cry, be sad, be mad, or to just let go? These are things I haven’t allowed myself to do for so long.

Please allow me to be human so I can find my way back.