Habits and Addictions Part 2

Habits, Addictions and January Part 2

In continuing my thoughts about habits and addictions I would be amiss if I didn’t talk about my use of different substances. It’s one of those secrets I hope to continue to speak about as I am able. So much hidden but only because of risk in life. Being retired lessens my risk of others knowing and makes it easier to share my experiences.

Obviously today I’m talking about cannabis, marijuana. I live in a fully legal state. Medical sales of marijuana started a dozen years ago but recreational is just starting year 5. So much has changed in my lifetime.

I smoked marijuana as a teen and throughout my 20s. When I went back to school and started an actual career, I walked away from all types substances and never looked back. That included alcohol as drinking was never much fun for me. Never touched any of it again until 2020 COVID.

What brought me here again? My health struggles, specifically chronic pain from arthritis throughout my body. I was forced to modify my career because of my health and found myself teaching again to support myself. I also started looking for ways to help myself feel better and decided to look into cannabis again.

Growing up in the late 60s and 70s, I purchased weed on the street corner or from someone’s third cousin on their mother’s side LOL. I never worried about anything being added that would harm me as that just wasn’t happening in my days. I always say I feel lucky to have survived my drugs use as a kid because I was very reckless. There was no fentanyl or anything similar that would’ve killed me like there is today. Angel dust was about the most dangerous thing aside from heroin and that was just us smoking PCP in our weed. Just FYI: Ketamine is an analog of PCP. 

Walking into a dispensary my first time was so very bizarre. To see a whole entire store filled with weed was amazing and strange. To be shopping legally. To see so many different strains and products was beyond words for me. It has truly been an education to catch up with all that’s out there now. Four years later and it’s still a little weird to go to the cannabis store. 

There is so much to learn. Lucky for me I love learning especially when I’m researching things for myself. The best thing about marijuana being legal in so many places now is how much information is out there that’s not coming from the DEA and drug abuse centers. I have no issue with warnings but I want unbiased information to make my own choices instead of the same old all drugs are bad message. 

I believe everyone should make their own choices. Are there some negatives to marijuana use; absolutely! Most any substance can be abused but there’s also benefits that can be had. First thing I had to learn was about all the different forms available out there.

 I used to buy flower and when available hash was a favorite. There weren’t multiple strains or forms; I bought whatever was offered. I don’t remember ever being unhappy as I purchased weed that came from Jamaica, Mexico, Colombia, Hawaii and wonderfully tasty golden hash from Afghanistan. 

Now it’s all controlled grows whether indoors or outdoor. The genetic are also controlled and modified to what is wanted. Feminized seeds, auto flowering, indica, sativa- just a few of the terms. Harvest time can vary and affect the terpenes. Decarboxylation activated the THC and cannabinoids. Strains, cannabinoids, terpenes- all terms you want to be familiar with if you’re looking for specific effects. It’s been really a blast for me to be learning all this new stuff in my 60s.

Aside from all the variety of strains, the forms that are available are just as varied. I only ever smoked flower and hash. Of course we made brownies- we didn’t even know about decarboxylation and they still got us high. 

Now there’s so many types of flower and edibles that come in all forms and shapes. There’s even a dispensary restaurant in my neighborhood that makes full meals with cannabis. Of course there’s vaping and concentrate that comes in shatter, badder, budder, sauce, oil, wax, rosin, live resin, diamonds, kief, and isolate. What the hell are all those things? Like I said it’s been quite an education.

One place for answers is the dispensary. Get yourself known by the bud tenders in your store and they have incredible knowledge to share with you. I’ve lived in my neighborhood for 39 years. I shop at the same places but the only store that knows my face and name is my dispensary. No other place keeps employees a\or seems to care about personal customer service. Sad really. But I enjoy being known there as it makes me feel welcome.

I have also been fortunate to meet a couple of people who are growers for the state and who have also worked in the industry since it started here in our state. They have been more than helpful and generous with all different kinds of on marijuana. 

Another great educational tool is YouTube. Learning about the products and what they are hasn’t been difficult. Knowing how to use them was the mystery for me. I found a YouTube channel Senior Stoner and he reviews devices that use cannabis. There are so many ways but you need to know and understand how to consume. He shows you how to use the bongs, pipes and different dab-rigs as they’re called He’s quite the character and of course in my age group- just some old hippies enjoying the legal cannabis resurgence. 

There’s also rolling a joint. We used Zig-Zag papers, that was it. Good to see Zig-Zag is still in business but now there’s grinders, cones, filters and rollers that seem mandatory. I still prefer rolling papers but I’ve finally figured out how to use cones LOL. So much has changed but some things seem fine the old fashioned way to me! 

I have experimented with many things cannabis the last few years. I still enjoy smoking a good joint or blunt as they seem to be called these days but I also make my own tincture and FECO to use in edibles. I make into not only THC but utilize the different cannabinoids CBD, CBG, CBN. My favorite way to consume is in drinks and especially hot chocolate. I love the how it affects my body in such a positive way as long as I utilize the right strains for me. I also enjoy my baked goods. Brownies, banana bread, cookies, and muffins top my list but I like trying it in new things. 

After much research ie using cannabis to figure out my levels, I have discovers that most strains that have blueberry genetics are friendly to all that ails me. Blue Dream, available to me locally is one of my all time favorites for effects. It truly is healing to me and that’s what I use it for. G-13 is another special strain I enjoy. Look that one up. If you’re old school, you’ll want to find some and try. 

To sit here and say to you I’m strictly a medical user is just bullshit. I like to get high as much as anyone who smokes or uses. It’s just not my only reason for consumption. Making my body feel better by utilizing the entourage effect has been so helpful during my last 5 years of health challenges. Helping me sleep is another benefit for me

Unwanted effects for me? Yes I am aware there is some. I would say I can definitely become unmotivated by getting too high. As long as I’m not using that as an excuse to rest I do OK. It’s hard for me to bullshit myself so I know my intentions and I try keep them internally clear. I’m retired. I can be buzzed all day if I want or I can just find relief within daily functioning. Neither is wrong or bad; it just depends on the day, how I feel, and what I want.

 Does cannabis help my depression? I don’t have a yes or no answer for that. Still up in the air as I think some days yes and some days no. It’s about awareness but more complicated.

 

Can there be other unwanted effects? Yes again, I am fully aware of the reports and studies out there but I also feel like I’m pretty responsible and do put harm reduction in place for myself no matter what I am doing. I also take T breaks to keep my endocannabinoid system in its optimal functioning state. 

There’s much more I’d like to share on this topic and also other substances. I will get there. How about Snoop having his own strains and he’s not the only celebrity to be in the cannabis game. 

Have I thought about quitting? Yes and no. I would say at this point for me the benefits outweigh the concerns. I try to stay aware of my ever changing states of health- physical and mental. 

So how about you? Yay or nay? Is cannabis a helpful part of your life? 

ISO Day 15. Solitude of retirement. Struggling. Trying my best. 

1.14.25

Habits and Addictions

Habits, Addictions and January 

The month of January is always a challenging month for me. There are several dates that have significance in my life including the one that altered my life forever; changing my path and dashing all hopes and dreams. It’s a hard one because even if I manage to not notice the date, my being always knows. 

I was reminded that I also have an anniversary of an accomplishment that I need to continue to celebrate . This month marks 21 years since I gave up smoking cigarettes. I was a 1-3 pack a day smoker of Benson and Hedges Menthol. The old menthol smoker cough and lungs. 

For 26 years I smoked heavily. I previously tried on several occasions to quit but was unsuccessful. I mostly chalk those failures up to the fact that I really wasn’t ready to quit nor was I serious enough to do it. In 2004 that all changed.

My brother had been sick with would eventually be diagnosed as Lymphoma. Cancer took him from this earth in Aug 2004 but not before he was able to see me quit smoking in January. 

 He gave me the extra motivation to get it done and I haven’t looked back. He had asked me if I would quit smoking as he could see the toll it had taken on me. I was really over weight, short of breath, my skin looked bad and my oxygenation was obviously poor. I was in poor health because of the smoking and I needed to make a change. Him asking me to quit to honor his health struggles made it a no brainer for me.

Quitting nicotine is hard. I had failed a few times before but I knew this time would be different. My whole being was on board to succeed and my brother was just that little extra to have to make it to the finish line. 

There’s lots of info on smoking out there but what I want to share is how much smoking is mental. Nicotine is fully cleared from your system in 5 days. The first week is the hardest with cravings because of this but after those 5 days is not physical any longer. Just understanding this fact can go a long way. 

After that first week don’t let your brain blame it on your body. You are now just working on those habits or even addictions that are ruled by your brain. It’s a mental challenge at this point, one that’s winnable if you can stay the course. Keeping your hands busy helps as you need to break that hand to mouth. Avoiding place where you tend to smoke will help in the beginning. Using those place later to show yourself you can revisit work well. 

I used a nicotine patch the first 2 weeks to help me get thru the cravings and grouchiness at work especially. It took me almost 3 weeks to get to no cigs, no patch, but I did it. Twenty one years clean of nicotine this January. I have never picked up a cigarette since the. I used to still get cravings at times but when I would look around it was usually a situation that I had previously smoked and my brain was just remembering and letting me know. It’s been a while since I’ve had any but it reminds me of how powerful habits and addictions are ingrained in my brain. 

I am proud of my accomplishment of ridding myself of tobacco and nicotine. I am trying to give myself credit for all that work and how it still shows up and keeps me from going back. My brother was also proud of me and happy for me that I was able to quit. I’m glad he was here to see me succeed. I miss him so much. 

Of course this doesn’t mean I don’t have any other habits and addictions and January shit. Depression brain always picks out the worst shit, I am choosing to remember this win in my life today.

Have you been able to overcome anything similar in your life? 

PS: I had no idea cigarettes cost $10 plus a pack. Wow. So glad to not have that expense any longer. Spend it on other habits LOL. 

ISO Day 14. I have maybe had a total of 30 minutes of actual in person connection and a couple hours of text chat in these last two weeks. Heal in connection. Not today. Not this person. No more hurt allowed in. Still alone. Hurting. Trying. That’s all I can ask of myself for today. 

Full Wolf Moon Monday

1.13.25

Resourcing and Safety

 Resourcing and Safety

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

My Happy Place

The depression roller coaster sucks especially when riding those low and dark times but I am aware of it and have taken measures to try to keep myself safe during those times. The biggest thing is avoiding any big or permanent decisions when I’m in it. 

The last few weeks have been challenging but the little ray of light, my appeal win for myself, lifted me enough to make some movement towards being able to resource. Resourcing for me is doing things to help me feel safe and secure. 

Water has always been huge for me. I’ve been a swimmer since I was 4 years old. It’s the best container I have for myself. I feel so safe and comfortable in the water. It’s great for my body as it suspends and relives my pains and being an Aries, it cools me off in so many different ways! 

I’m fortunate enough to live in a warm climate and have a swimming pool. It’s not year round but May thru Sept I can enjoy the pool all day and night if I want. Pool season is something I look forward to the start and dread the end as I so miss the water when it’s cold. Sorry but cold plunges just aren’t my thing.

Three years ago during my colder weather, I discovered float tanks here locally. Also called isolation tanks or sensory deprivation tanks. The idea is the acronym REST- Restricted Environmental Stimulation Therapy. You’re in a sound proof container with about 10 inches of epson salt saturated water that helps with buoyancy. Sound and light are available but optional at the place I go. There are lots of different reported benefits to floating. Stress and pain reduction are just two of many that I go for. 

I really enjoy my time in the tank. My issue is getting there. My current struggles with avoiding encounters with people plays a big part. My desire to be there has to overcome whatever story my depression brain might be telling me in order for me to go. I’m always happy when I can get there. I can only do my best. 

Yesterday was another win for me as I was able to go float. I actually did a double nice as I used the vibe table the first hour and floated the second. More on that vibe table later. The float was fantastic as usual. 

I always float in the dark and most often in silence. It’s so great to enjoy the different states I’m able to take myself in to while in the tank. When I went last month I hadn’t been for a while. The reaction from my body was so surprising. It was like fulfilling a craving with so much good energy just pulsating thru my body. My entire being was smiling and I was asleep in the tank in about 7 minutes. I allowed myself to fully take in and experience what I’m calling my body showing joy for getting what it needed. I don’t listen to it often enough. I laughed at myself as I realize the only times I hear my body is when it is hurting or having an orgasm. 

I am able to fall asleep in the tank but my favorite state is going  to the level of just being on the edge of consciousness, where my body and the water are one with each other. I’m not really aware I’m in water, just feeling comfortably afloat and weightless. When I am here, my mind is still busy but calm and clear; fully able to process whatever is needed. Water takes my fears away. 

Some claim types of psychedelic or psychotic states. I can see this in very deep states in the tank especially for long periods of time. There’s an option to go 3 hours at the place I float. I tried it once and just past 2 hours I became a bit restless and had to add some music for stimulus. For me, an hour is enough most times. There are lots of older studies military and other done in sensory deprivation tanks but these days it’s all about wellness. 

As much as I enjoy the tank, it still is a part of my struggles to take care of myself, find safety and security amongst connections of all types. I try my best. I go when I’m able and try to not put pressure on myself as it’s not helpful. Hard to not want to force at times but listening to my whole Self is crucial as powering through so much in my life is what got me here today. 

Resources. Safety. I’m building my list as I need more things I can do for myself, my Self. Water is my number one. I have another resource I found to add more water to my list, but not able to get there to try it out yet. Still working on that.  

Less and softer is better than more and harder. 

ISO Day 12. Alone. A little lighter today. I’ll take it. 

1.11.25

A Ray of Light

 A Ray of Light

Finally a little something has gone my way. It’s been a year I’ve been waiting for my appeal on my unemployment case. I was notified last night that I won my appeal.

I wrote here how excited I was to get this new job in Feb of 2023. How they accommodated me with my scheduling request of working hybrid due to my physical struggles. How great that felt to be wanted. After 9 months of managing that schedule well, they decided I was not allowed to do it anymore. No reason was ever given. 

 I was told by phone on a Friday that Monday I was to make changes and could no longer be hybrid; that I had to be on campus every day. When I said I could not due to my health, they offered me an adjunct position which means same amount of work and classes, less hours and no benefits. Who would choose that? I instead chose to walk away due to the unfairness of it all

They knew up front I couldn’t keep that schedule. I had turned this job down until they called me and made accommodations. I filed for unemployment and was denied as the employer said I quit because of my work load which just wasn’t true. I always do more than my share of work. I appealed and had my day in court. The judge sided with me after hearing the evidence. 

Now I  wait. They have a couple week deadline to appeal. I don’t think they will but you never know. It certainly would be nice for me to get that back pay. Something for me to hope for. Much needed as these last few weeks have been pretty dark. 

ISO Day 11. Tired but having a glimmer feels good today.

Go Buckeyes! 

1.10.25

Pain

 101

Pain. Knowing that no one is coming to help. Pain.

Not wanting to live and wanting to die are several different parts of mine. 

1.9.25 

Is there anybody out there? 

Depression Post 100

100

 Depression. It has taken its toll on me. So hard to see my way out of the dark, especially alone. No joy. No pleasure. No hope for change. So challenging to even see any color some days. The tiredness of it all. Just wanting it to stop. 

My days are spent figuring out how to get to each next moment. Hoping most nights I won’t wake up to have to do it all over again. But when I do I just sigh and keep hoping somehow this will end, it might give me a reprieve. But no. This is my life. Mostly this is my death as I’m not really living but each day dying a little bit more. 

My sleep patterns are not consistent. I’m spending lots of time in bed early and late. Food is a struggle as nothing tastes like much at all let alone good. I worry what these episodes are doing to me internally. I can’t find any other paths. Floundering alone in my dark. 

Stuck in my muck that now feels so warm and comfy. I just stay here now, waiting for death. All the darkness will take me there. No more struggle, no more pain. I try hard to find your good. Is it really good that I am embracing from you? Depression is such a liar. 

I have no answers. I don’t cope but simply look for avoidance/escape at this point. My use of substances has increased to daily. I see no other escape from my thoughts that destroy me a little more everyday. My reality swallows me up in darkness. I must escape from this mind but I’m trapped. I can’t find any cracks, any light. 

Worthless. Yes. I hear you. You are winning right now. I believe you because you make it so it’s all I can see and hear as my truth. I don’t see much left for me here. Things don’t change. They just keep getting stronger and more powerful and all consuming. What happened happened. I can’t go back and make it better. I can only destroy myself as it doesn’t really matter to anyone else. I did this to myself.  Truth. My truth. I don’t see any other way out but to follow the darkness until it consumes me. I don’t find my answers yet no one has helped. 

How will I ever care enough about myself to make a difference. I have given all of myself away to others. I’m totally devoid of anything but crumbs left for Self.  Crumbs have no nutritional value. My mind is so cruel. Black. Ugly. Just make it stop. Please. How much more will I take? Can I take?  

ISO Day 10. Still alone. Hurting. Tired. Hopelessness. Is anyone still there? Triple D:  Doubtful. Discouraged. Defeated. 

100 posts all written from the roller coaster of my depressed mind. Perhaps the reason I keep coming back here is to document my death by depression. Suck it up buttercup. 

1.9.25

Tired

Tired

I have no confidence in my own ability to choose people who won’t hurt me. It almost feels at this point that I am purposely making these self sabotaging choices. How do I not see some of this stuff coming. My warning system is totally programmed backwards and it just validates people equal pain for me and makes me go deeper into my Castle. 

  This is day nine of my isolation, being let go out of therapy with no back up. I have not had any meaningful conversations with any people and have not left my house. I am not feeling bad enough to do anything about it at this point. I will think about the grocery store soon but that will be the only reason to go anywhere. 

Just stand there, smile and take it. No one will notice. Doing my best to hang in and hang on. 

ISO Day 9. Alone. Hurt. Tired. 

1.8.25

 

It Doesn’t Matter

It Doesn’t Matter

 

 It is so interesting to realize the truth that if no one cares, it just doesn’t matter.

ISO day 8. Still here. Hurting. Sad. Alone. Tired. 

1.7.25

Size Doesn’t Matter

Size Doesn’t Matter 

Still here doing my best. It’s not great but it’s all I got. Looking for a spark and found this poem

I ask for just the slightest shift
in my thinking, the kindest sifting
of my busy mind, so only wonder
and peace are left behind. So that
as I walk out in sleet this morning,
I can see even these muddy ruts
made by trucks on the forest trail
as harbors of miracle that will fill
with snowmelt and rain for tadpoles
to swim in, until that sunlit instant
come summer, when they feel the flexing
of legs working in the water beneath them,
and leap out onto the ground, their bodies
having decided, by pure instinct alone,
to be soft and fully alive in this world.

James Crews

Searching for a glimmer, opening or shift. Still here gaining strength. Still trying. Still tired.

ISO Day 7 Alone. Hurt. Tired. Sad. 

1.6.25

Recovering

Recovering

 My capacity is to function vey well is still pretty low. I will take my time to figure out what will help me. Not only to move forward but to protect myself from too much more let down. Being blind sided never feels good when I truly realize the full impact of it all. Abandonment hurts. Period. 

As much as I hate the words resilience and strength, I know them well and hope they will serve me appropriately at this time. I know Castle has awakened and the doors are again tightly sealed trying desperately to keep us from sinking back into to deep dark hole of secrets, where guilt and shame rule. 

Spent the last few days trying our best avoidance but I can only ignore myself for so long as it’s hard to escape your Self. Some days are diamonds, some days are gold. One is hard and sharp and the other is cold. 

My physical health still needs time to even get back to more stability. Hydration is almost caught up and hoping nutrition falls into place next. So draining on my body, my mind, my soul. 

For now we will use everything our system has to get us to the next. Soul Survivor is very strong. Still lots of options to consider. 

I’m down trying to recover enough to get up. Keep kicking me if you need. Maybe it’s the only way I can feel. Sabotage. 

ISO Day 6. Alone. Hurting. Sad. Discouraged. Tired. Most of all tired today. 

Alone Again

Alone Again

Feeling so lost and shut down. Just another experience to add to my list of why people suck. Left alone, during a time that is super challenging but who cares right? Why would I have actual help?  I don’t matter if I don’t have money. I’m not in that tax bracket so I’m not deserving. As hard as anyone might argue it’s just the ugly truth. Someone like me really has no chance of healing with these rules.  

I am beginning to think that therapy might be just as big of a scam as most everything else that has to do with people in my life. How do you just let someone go like that? Do you really care? $$$ I’m dumb founded as how this is ethical? Not even an offer to continue to see me for a cash price. Just see ya- goodbye. Not even a hint at how to deal with my situation. An offer for a referral covered you I suppose but we all knew that would not work for my situation. You gave me the wrong information. I was given no other resources, even knowing I have zero. I just went thru another 3 days of illness and am struggling with that added layer but you still just left me alone like an old dog left in the desert to fend for themselves. Confounding and FUCKED UP by all involved. The more I think about this, the more fucked it is. How do you do this to me? How does this help me? I’m blaming myself here and this isn’t all on me. 

No one will notice me here alone with all my crap overflowing, not in the least little bit. Truth is when you don’t matter you just don’t matter. A little blip of dirt, thrown aside by the street sweeper and not found again. I’ve not screamed and cried and stirred up enough crap to be noticed. I simply show up and work hard. I am just looking for help. Not to stir shit up. Just not enough energy left. 

No pity party. Just facts of my current reality.  No one cares enough to come pick me up or show up for me. If I don’t care, I won’t expect anyone else to care either. T-R-U-T-H. 

Fuck it. Here’s to Helga keeping me from going any way at all. The store is plenty stocked up for our disassociating pleasure. Enjoy the ride baby enjoy the ride! 

Trying hard to keep my promise and wait. To survive the next few weeks to see if we have found a way in for me to find my way out. 

I’m just dying a little bit more every day. Worthless. Lola. Cinder. Denise. Vanessa. Lydia. Sloven. Ugh-A-Lug. Quazar. The Squad in Full Force commandeered Faddy the red Caddy. Joy ride. If you know you know. 

How will connection ever heal me when all it does is fuck with me? Go ahead somebody anybody. Kick me again while I’m down. Pile on. Is it good for you? 

I hope you’re still holding hope for me. I need it more than ever right now. You are the only one that has been there for me consistently. I have to believe you will show up again. I have one chance with what we found and I’m hoping it’s still viable. 

ISO (isolation)day 4. Disappointed. Discouraged. Defeated. Disbelief. Shut down. Sad. The things people do really suck. You won’t convince me any different

Sing it to me Gilbert https://youtu.be/vXL7y6km0a8?si=v2gImjdBMdU_qvDW

1.3.25

2025 Has Arrived

2025 

The last fireworks I remember hearing was around 1:30AM. The music was still pounding but not close enough by to bother us any longer. Three of my cats finally felt safe enough to fall asleep with me on the bed purring. 

I read lots of posts in groups about having a word of the year. It’s not something I’ve really ever done as to me, resolutions and even intentions can put pressure on and that is usually not helpful for my system. 

One thing I have been working so hard on is awareness of myself and my Self. I can’t say I always appreciate having so much awareness as I haven’t processed enough yet but it’s been a whirling mass of thoughts going on the last few days with two words standing out for me. So I thought why not put them out there for myself. Try something different to start this year. 

Word number one is safety. As I watch my precious kitties struggle to feel safe last night because of the noise, I reflected on how unsafe I feel everyday in so many ways. How I often feel so uncomfortable in my own skin, mostly because I’ve been cut off so long from my feelings that I’m afraid to feel them. Afraid they will overwhelm me but also afraid maybe I’ll never feel them again. I’m holding so much and it gets heavy, very heavy. 

Since realizing that so many things people try force on you just causes me distress, I’ve been able to at least be aware and continue to learn about my own system and triggers.The gold standard for most therapists is meditation and breathing but both of those also can cause trauma responses to come flowing out like they do in me.

 I just laugh now when someone tells me they are trauma informed yet they push me to do breathing and meditation. For now all I will say is pay attention to your responses. If it doesn’t feel right, it isn’t right for you. There is a reason your body or brain is shutting down or off. Listen! For years I thought I was doing something wrong yet what I was really doing was listening to my system object to what was being forced upon me. Now I’m finding more ways to feel safe and at ease. Slow and easy. Listen. Softer. More isn’t always better. 

Many things to say on the topic of trauma and the approaches taken in therapy but on a different day.

You can’t heal what you don’t reveal. I read this somewhere and it has just stuck with. Such a simple but profound thought. It also brings me to #2. 

Word number two is secrets. When I started thinking about the word secrets a bit ago, I had a very strong energetic reaction in my body. A signal, a release of some sort. That’s something that grabs my attention as it’s not my normal and I strive to find those connections for my mind/body and body/mind. 

Secrets have had such a huge impact on my life and they continue today. We had lots of secrets in my family. What really went on inside was not what it appeared as on the outside to others. I  never told any of our secrets. The main reason is simply that no one believed me. My mother was a pillar of the small town society. Church going do-gooder. The biggest bunch of bullshit I ever heard. 

Keeping things a secret is still so ingrained in me. Until recently I kept telling myself that I’m just a private person. I never share much. I don’t allow myself to be vulnerable and let people in. I see many reasons that make sense from my childhood. Secrets live in shame. 

Never getting any real validation of your self worth, mixed signals or just being berated daily by the adults that are supposed to love and care for you; to teach you about life, didn’t give me any sense of me being someone anyone would even care to know about. I always feel like I’m doing something wrong, that I’m just wrong. Never good enough. 

So the secrets just kept being held. In the name of privacy. Still to this day I keep so many secrets. If I’m going to lighten my load I need to allow myself to release. I need to just be me and let some of this shit out. Tell on myself. Out myself. Share myself. I don’t have any friends or others right now so what do I have to lose by being out with my authentic self? Even as fucked up as a mind space I’ve have been in recently, this still seems like a good thing to start with this new year. I already have a list of “my secret stuff”. You know, all the stuff I write in my other journals! Ha.

 New Year. No pressure. That’s not what my words are for- to add any kind of pressure to myself. They have just stood out so we are being aware. Learning. 

Small steps still get me there. Just like small breaths still keep me alive. I’ve just got to be me. 

Finding safety. Releasing secrets. Things I’ll be working on. No pressure for success as I am going to think that by just writing this, today has been successful. Small glimmers through the clouds. 

It’s a New Year. I don’t know what will happen but here I am. 

ISO day 3. Brain in overdrive 🧠. Not a bad thing   

1.1.25

Endings NYE Part 2

Endings NYE Part 2 

It’s been a day full of reflection and ideas. The darkness has finally arrived and with it brings fireworks. I’ve got the TV and music going along with diffusing some essential oils to do what I can to help calm my furry kids. (Yes it’s pet safe oil of course!) For most of them the noise is terrifying and they all are hiding in various spots, shaking. I will end my year just being cat mom and hanging with my cats as they did for me during my episode last week. Everything else can rest. 

I will also be thinking of all the animals outside that will be scared and get lost tonight. Sending my cat mom energy and hoping they all stay safe and make it back home where ever that may be. Especially my yard ferals…they all have their safe places but of course I’ll still worry. That’s what cat moms do! 

Be well. Be kind.

Goodbye 2024. You didn’t defeat me…

12.31.24

Endings NYE Part 1

Endings

 New Years Eve. Last day of the year. Can’t say I’m sad to see 2024 end. Yesterday my therapy ended. I’m still having a difficult time wrapping my head around how I got here. We spent time making sure this wouldn’t be happening while she’s on maternity leave. The reality is I’m officially alone until she comes back. I know she won’t be happy to hear this has happened. 

I simply can’t understand how someone could fuck with me in this space of mental health. It’s so messed up. I really need the support I get from therapy, right now more than ever. I’m struggling and this is a hard time to lose access. I’m sad and also very mad about being treated like this. The hardest part for me is this had nothing to do with the therapist. I know we both are upset. Reality. Acceptance. No other real options. 

Even though I recognize these thoughts are not necessarily true, I am going through an entire spectrum from feeling dumped and abandoned, to everyone in my life leaves me, all the way to broken, unhealable and worthless so what’s the point. My family system can be so cruel to me. The Squad in full effect. It’s hard to fight with them all right now in my current weakened state.

I have considered being in therapy as much needed self care the last few years. Now I don’t know. I might be done. I don’t want to continue being hurt in these spaces I visit for help. That seems to be a theme lately, hurting more than helping. This includes groups, workshops, and all the other places I have been going for support. Lots to think about. I always try to keep my promise to myself about not making permanent decisions when I’m in such a fucked up head space or under the influence. Just one of many harm reduction things I have in place for myself. This will be no different. I have no deadline, no time limit. 

I’m still very depleted physically and today spent mentally as I think of going forward on my own. Rest. Nutrition. Hydration. Can I count that as 3 self care items? I’m going to give myself some much needed credit as I continue to replenish. I think I can manage a shower today. 

It’s daunting for me right now as I think of what’s ahead. It will be a most difficult challenge to hold myself up, to care enough, to just manage every moment upcoming. I will need to use every available tool, method, substance, resource, or whatever I’ve learned if I’m going to have a chance for myself. I’m not very confident but this hasn’t been the best week for building much up in myself. 

Isolation begins. What will it mean? A beginning, an end, or just a waste. More struggles and hardship. I have no answers. Just many thoughts. So many thoughts. I’ll try to keep sharing. 

Sitting with it all in the early morning on this last day of 2024.

12.31.24

Another Espisode Hanging On

Hanging by a Thread

 Christmas came and went. The next 3 days were filled with another episode of non stop nausea and vomiting. That’s two bad ones within 6 weeks. I cannot live like this. It’s no life. Things already suck for me and now add in this crap being back. It’s beyond my capacity to even want to survive it.

Let me describe these episodes as I have never felt anyone believes me in just how bad it is. I have other symptoms of autonomic disorder but I can deal with those however, the nausea and vomiting is not how I want to live. It’s random. When it comes, it is acute and it essentially makes me incapacitated. It starts with almost projectile vomiting. I throw up every 10-20 minutes. I have those blue vomit bags from Amazon all over my house and in my car. After the first couple hours my esophagus is burning from all the stomach acid and bile, my ribs hurt from wrenching, and my stomach is also very painful. This can go on for days. I cannot get out of bed easily, often crawling to the bathroom and back. Low BP I’m guessing. I cannot clean up after myself if needed. I can’t change my clothes, take a shower, brush my hair or my teeth. I can only imagine what the stomach acid is doing to my teeth. I cannot eat or drink anything. The thirst from dehydration just adds on to the nausea as it intensifies it. How can I continue to care for myself during these times. It’s like self torture. There is nothing I can do to make it stop but ride it out. I cry and moan a lot but there is no one to hear me. My cats worry. I try to find space between all that’s happening, the vomiting and nausea. I have just learned to take this too because what other choice do I have. Luckily I’m not a gun person. My choice of overdose is not possible during these episodes. It’s not related to food or GI issues as far as triggers as I have tracked everything about all happenings on the days these start. No one found any common thread. I’m certain stress isn’t helpful but it’s not the cause. The other thing is the vomiting will wake me from a dead sleep. 

No answers from Western medicine. I’m just classified in a category that encompasses much. Dysautonomia. Autonomic Nervous System Dysfunctions. Everyone has different symptoms. They have just left me dealing alone with all the pain and suffering. No one seems to give a shit about my health issues because they just keep passing me around, offering drugs as bandaids but no real cures, no real answers. No drug has been able to stop the nausea and vomiting. Cardiologist, Gastroenterologist, endocrinologist, oncologist, neurologist, PCP, general surgeon. They all took my thousands for testing that provided me zero answers. 

Everything that I have put myself thru the last 3 years and I still have all this. It’s so very discouraging. Today I see so little progress. I truly am hanging by a thread. I fear it will break soon as I have no ideas what I can do next, where to go, or who can or will help me. It all just keeps piling on.

Tomorrow is my last day to have access to therapy. It couldn’t come at a worse time but I don’t have any other options at this point. The plan wasn’t to be alone at the end of the year but why be surprised as that’s my norm. It’s just reality. Deal with it. Sure. WTF. Build more resilience. One of my favorite words…fuck no. 

Resilience doesn’t keep me above ground. Does it matter anymore? Can I care enough? 

Trying to recover my physical today. Dehydration is severe. Nutrition is absent. It’s not possible physically for me to shower yet today. Feeling lost and numb and sad and scared and angry. Lots of BiGs…

You tell me- could you live like this? If this isn’t close to hell I’m not sure what is. 

My most risky time. 

 Alone. Empty. 

12.29.24

Are You an Empath

 Are You an Empath?

Empath. It’s one of those buzz words out there like mindfulness. Do people really understand what that is? When I hear someone claim they’re an empath I run as far as I can get. I finally figured why.

Awhile back I read Martha Sweezy’s book IFS for Shame and Guilt. There was a paragraph early in the book the really stood out for me. She was talking about empathy vs compassion. A small study was done with people in a MRI scanner. They scanned the brain while giving and receiving empathy and then also compassion. What they found was empathy created pain pathways, where as compassion created reward pathways. This made so much sense to me.

A prime example for me happened in a group I was in and I see exactly why I hate sharing in groups. Why I disagree that you must have connection to heal. I was sharing something personal about my health which I rarely do. One of the group members got upset to the point they were crying. When asked they responded they felt bad for me being alone for the holidays and struggling on my own with no real help. This upset me and is exactly why I don’t like to share in a group. I do not want to be responsible for others getting upset like that. I do not want to share my pain with you, the empath because what you do is make it painful for me. I’m sure my pain pathways were lit up like New York at Christmas. Common humanity my ass. This reaction of empathy comes across for me as selfish and narcissistic because I had to stop sharing to calm and comfort this other person. That was the end of my sharing which left me with no feedback other than the upset crying person. And now I won’t share again in that group . PS: No one felt bad enough to email or text to check in. 

Being an empath is not a badge anyone should be proud of. The only person it really serves is you. It’s not about the other person. True narcissist will never get compassion but I don’t think all who claim empathy are narcissists. People would be better served if more people understood compassion. It’s so much different and it’s what’s needed most for people who are truly hurting. 

Searching for compassion. I have none for myself and not sure where to get some from others right now.  Fuck empathy.

12.26.24

PS: I wanted to update and add to this post. I have recently noticed that empathy is what’s talked about in psychology classes. They encourage student therapist to learn empathy. I read an article about how to be a better therapist. Step 3 was learn empathy so you can connect with your clients. Wow. I hope Kristen Neff and Chris Germer can change peoples minds about how much damage empathy can do and how much better compassion is. Please start teaching compassion to those therapists. Clients will reap the benefits

12.29.24

Not If…When

Not If….When

 I am in such a fucked up place in my mind. I’m miserable as hell. I don’t enjoy life. I’m angry and grumpy and I hate most every person I encounter. I go to bed many nights hoping I don’t wake up. I don’t see anything I can change to make it better and so it just keeps piling on.

I have no doubt I will die by suicide at some point. I just feel this so strongly right now. I can’t do all I need alone but I dont have anything or anyone else. There is just too much for me to overcome. It’s pretty daunting to think of it all. Of course I try all the things I know to make it easier- breaking it down into smaller thoughts to not overwhelm. But lying to myself or trying to fool myself isn’t very effective. 

What would make it better. Even 0.1% better would be a start but I can think of nothing that would make me happy. I find zero joy in living. My daily life is just a reminder of the shit hole I have created for myself. I don’t find myself deserving of anything nice or pleasurable. My mental health is suffering and my physical health issues just add another layer. I feel rotten and fucked up at my very core- irreparable by myself. Unfixable. Unforgivable. Unloveable. 

Just living to exist doesn’t really make sense to me. I should be grateful to struggle every fucking day. Why? It doesn’t really matter because if I don’t care what’s the point? I have no future. I won’t be missed. Some tell me that all I really have is the present. But bullshit. Most people see something in their future. I see nothing but darkness there. 

I have no family, no partner, no real friends. This is the life I cultivated and now I’m retired and I am having to live and deal with the shitty life situation I have created for myself. How much more can this one person take? I don’t have the answer but I feel like I’m being pushed to edge, to test my “resilience”. So messed up. Strong my ass. I’m tired. 

Stuck in this same space for a while now. Is this all there is for me? Three years in therapy and I don’t feel any better, if I’m being honest I feel worse. Therapy has uncovered so much more stuff. Awareness is one thing but not processing or finding solutions or making changes seems like spinning in a circle. It feels at this point I will never make it out of place. I’m so lost and I don’t what to do or where to go or who might help me. 

It’s one of those days I don’t feel like trying any longer.

12.26.24

Christmas Eve

 Christmas Eve 

Still trying. 

12.24.24

Messy

Oh So Messy….

  So many different things swirling in my head around my world. Holidaze for sure. No words coming out to write that make much sense right now because there’s just too much. I’m not sure anyone cares. 

PS: Helga didn’t get much rest. 

12.23.24

 

Familiarity

 I keep coming back here…..

Welcome to post #32 of 2024

I realized that I have posted more here the last 2 months than I have in all of 2022 and 2023. I keep thinking this is a familiar place. In some ways it is but in other ways I also feel the aloneness of being here.

I used to have some readers that followed me but I quit coming and writing here when it got too hard for me to cope. I do understand why everyone left when there’s no new content but that’s a theme in my life- bailing out. I had my therapist during those previous times and I don’t have her right now so I think that’s the difference. This is still my place, my blog, and I can share whatever I want here. I know it gets dark and heavy but that’s my life right now.

 I’ve not been real detailed because this was shared to some I knew. But so much has changed and I really have nothing to lose or fear by writing about any subject these days. I’ve been considering a few. Still hard for me to want to be vulnerable and share details of my reality. It’s hard to handle the unkindness of some. Baby steps.

At this point I am just looking for some support. Unknown where or when I’ll be able to find it but I will do my best to keep looking. I will hold out hope that maybe someone hears me and claps back in some way. Perhaps. 

Reality is I’m just deluding myself that someone will show up. It’s just not what happens for me. Hope is so hard for me to find on many days right now. Can I borrow some from you? 

At least I still have here to come to. Even if I’m all alone. Holding on as hard as I can. Am I losing my grip. Don’t know yet. Still don’t care. 

Feeling so lost today. The only question is will I let Helga rest. She’s went hard this week. 

12.21.24

Caring into Compassion

Caring = Compassion 

Sounds like such a simple concept- to care. I’ve got that caring part down but it’s who I don’t care about is the issue. I care about everyone else except me. How do I go about caring for myself? I find zero compassion when I think of myself, my Self. It’s blocked by my guards. Total silence. Total darkness. No access. I’ve sat for hours and still can’t see or hear or feel anything but the block. 

I worry how will I be able to truly continue in a healthy way if I can’t find some self compassion. I’m told it’s easy but to me that’s just another lie. There is nothing about it I find easy. I can’t seem to see any reason for deserving it. I have no real idea how to accomplish really caring about myself. I flounder in the darkness and cruelty that seems to now provide comfort.

 No one explains it so we can understand and I don’t know what to ask anymore. And now there will be no one left to ask for a while. So we all just stay, trapped in many ways, in Harshland. We stay and just suck it up and take it like we were taught to do.

 Worthless just keeps reminding me of our lack. She is loud and makes me tired. So many friends. So much power. Stop. Let me out. 

12.21.24

Holidaze

Holidaze

 Christmas is five days away. That’s hard to believe really. I’ve been mostly working to not allow the holidays to overwhelm me. I am not all doom and gloom. Quite the contrary; I truly enjoy the holiday season and what it’s all about.

I love the Christmas lights and I used to put up some decent displays. I’m sitting here thinking about some of great displays that I’ve seen around town in the past. Jeff really enjoyed going all out inside and out. Such good memories of this time of year.

It’s interesting as I realize how cut off I am. I haven’t even seen much at all that is to with Christmas. I’m not outside at night. I don’t watch the news or live network TV. If it’s live for me it’s sports otherwise it’s streamed. My point is how easy it’s been to not even think about it being Christmas.

I need it this way this year. Low key and trying to maintain and do my best each day. Some days I so desperately want to find a way out of all that exists but on others I'm still so curious to explore the darkest paths that have had so much control for so many years. Lots here waiting. Wanting to be seen and heard and much more. Patience.

As I navigate the next steps for myself I will take this time of Christmas to have some rest and enjoy a few of my own simple traditions.  No cooking or baking for me this year but I will still manage to get a few goodies! 

It’s good to think about all these things. I’m checking in with all those memories to see what’s there. So many different types of Christmases I have had over my years. Lots of goodness. I’ll remember this from the feels I got! 

Christmas. Spirit. Not sure how I’d define it for myself this year. Yet. Still have 5 days.

12.20.24

Isolation

Isolation 

It’s coming soon. I am trying to prepare for what will be painfully absent but not sure that’s possible. More likely a one moment at a time situation that I will just have to figure out as I go. There will be shutdown and numbing for sure. I just hope I don’t loose the keys.

I’m mostly sad today thinking about not having that safe space with a kind face; the precious and scarce commodity of coregulation and also knowledge. It’s hard to find that when you’re alone. Grounding and safety type tools will be in abundance and trying to keep glimmers of hope a daily goal. My success will vary. I’m still trying. 

So much unknown. That’s makes it even harder.

12.19.24