Christmas came and went. The next 3 days were filled with another episode of non stop nausea and vomiting. That’s two bad ones within 6 weeks. I cannot live like this. It’s no life. Things already suck for me and now add in this crap being back. It’s beyond my capacity to even want to survive it.
Let me describe these episodes as I have never felt anyone believes me in just how bad it is. I have other symptoms of autonomic disorder but I can deal with those however, the nausea and vomiting is not how I want to live. It’s random. When it comes, it is acute and it essentially makes me incapacitated. It starts with almost projectile vomiting. I throw up every 10-20 minutes. I have those blue vomit bags from Amazon all over my house and in my car. After the first couple hours my esophagus is burning from all the stomach acid and bile, my ribs hurt from wrenching, and my stomach is also very painful. This can go on for days. I cannot get out of bed easily, often crawling to the bathroom and back. Low BP I’m guessing. I cannot clean up after myself if needed. I can’t change my clothes, take a shower, brush my hair or my teeth. I can only imagine what the stomach acid is doing to my teeth. I cannot eat or drink anything. The thirst from dehydration just adds on to the nausea as it intensifies it. How can I continue to care for myself during these times. It’s like self torture. There is nothing I can do to make it stop but ride it out. I cry and moan a lot but there is no one to hear me. My cats worry. I try to find space between all that’s happening, the vomiting and nausea. I have just learned to take this too because what other choice do I have. Luckily I’m not a gun person. My choice of overdose is not possible during these episodes. It’s not related to food or GI issues as far as triggers as I have tracked everything about all happenings on the days these start. No one found any common thread. I’m certain stress isn’t helpful but it’s not the cause. The other thing is the vomiting will wake me from a dead sleep.
No answers from Western medicine. I’m just classified in a category that encompasses much. Dysautonomia. Autonomic Nervous System Dysfunctions. Everyone has different symptoms. They have just left me dealing alone with all the pain and suffering. No one seems to give a shit about my health issues because they just keep passing me around, offering drugs as bandaids but no real cures, no real answers. No drug has been able to stop the nausea and vomiting. Cardiologist, Gastroenterologist, endocrinologist, oncologist, neurologist, PCP, general surgeon. They all took my thousands for testing that provided me zero answers.
Everything that I have put myself thru the last 3 years and I still have all this. It’s so very discouraging. Today I see so little progress. I truly am hanging by a thread. I fear it will break soon as I have no ideas what I can do next, where to go, or who can or will help me. It all just keeps piling on.
Tomorrow is my last day to have access to therapy. It couldn’t come at a worse time but I don’t have any other options at this point. The plan wasn’t to be alone at the end of the year but why be surprised as that’s my norm. It’s just reality. Deal with it. Sure. WTF. Build more resilience. One of my favorite words…fuck no.
Resilience doesn’t keep me above ground. Does it matter anymore? Can I care enough?
Trying to recover my physical today. Dehydration is severe. Nutrition is absent. It’s not possible physically for me to shower yet today. Feeling lost and numb and sad and scared and angry. Lots of BiGs…
You tell me- could you live like this? If this isn’t close to hell I’m not sure what is.
My most risky time.
Alone. Empty.
12.29.24
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