Not If…When

Not If….When

 I am in such a fucked up place in my mind. I’m miserable as hell. I don’t enjoy life. I’m angry and grumpy and I hate most every person I encounter. I go to bed many nights hoping I don’t wake up. I don’t see anything I can change to make it better and so it just keeps piling on.

I have no doubt I will die by suicide at some point. I just feel this so strongly right now. I can’t do all I need alone but I dont have anything or anyone else. There is just too much for me to overcome. It’s pretty daunting to think of it all. Of course I try all the things I know to make it easier- breaking it down into smaller thoughts to not overwhelm. But lying to myself or trying to fool myself isn’t very effective. 

What would make it better. Even 0.1% better would be a start but I can think of nothing that would make me happy. I find zero joy in living. My daily life is just a reminder of the shit hole I have created for myself. I don’t find myself deserving of anything nice or pleasurable. My mental health is suffering and my physical health issues just add another layer. I feel rotten and fucked up at my very core- irreparable by myself. Unfixable. Unforgivable. Unloveable. 

Just living to exist doesn’t really make sense to me. I should be grateful to struggle every fucking day. Why? It doesn’t really matter because if I don’t care what’s the point? I have no future. I won’t be missed. Some tell me that all I really have is the present. But bullshit. Most people see something in their future. I see nothing but darkness there. 

I have no family, no partner, no real friends. This is the life I cultivated and now I’m retired and I am having to live and deal with the shitty life situation I have created for myself. How much more can this one person take? I don’t have the answer but I feel like I’m being pushed to edge, to test my “resilience”. So messed up. Strong my ass. I’m tired. 

Stuck in this same space for a while now. Is this all there is for me? Three years in therapy and I don’t feel any better, if I’m being honest I feel worse. Therapy has uncovered so much more stuff. Awareness is one thing but not processing or finding solutions or making changes seems like spinning in a circle. It feels at this point I will never make it out of place. I’m so lost and I don’t what to do or where to go or who might help me. 

It’s one of those days I don’t feel like trying any longer.

12.26.24