Familiarity

 I keep coming back here…..

Welcome to post #32 of 2024

I realized that I have posted more here the last 2 months than I have in all of 2022 and 2023. I keep thinking this is a familiar place. In some ways it is but in other ways I also feel the aloneness of being here.

I used to have some readers that followed me but I quit coming and writing here when it got too hard for me to cope. I do understand why everyone left when there’s no new content but that’s a theme in my life- bailing out. I had my therapist during those previous times and I don’t have her right now so I think that’s the difference. This is still my place, my blog, and I can share whatever I want here. I know it gets dark and heavy but that’s my life right now.

 I’ve not been real detailed because this was shared to some I knew. But so much has changed and I really have nothing to lose or fear by writing about any subject these days. I’ve been considering a few. Still hard for me to want to be vulnerable and share details of my reality. It’s hard to handle the unkindness of some. Baby steps.

At this point I am just looking for some support. Unknown where or when I’ll be able to find it but I will do my best to keep looking. I will hold out hope that maybe someone hears me and claps back in some way. Perhaps. 

Reality is I’m just deluding myself that someone will show up. It’s just not what happens for me. Hope is so hard for me to find on many days right now. Can I borrow some from you? 

At least I still have here to come to. Even if I’m all alone. Holding on as hard as I can. Am I losing my grip. Don’t know yet. Still don’t care. 

Feeling so lost today. The only question is will I let Helga rest. She’s went hard this week. 

12.21.24