Fearful Avoidnace aka Disorganized

Ignore It…Go Away

 

Avoidance. That’s my main modus operandi. It works until it doesn’t. Ignoring whatever it is puts it out of site, but not always out of mind, and it catches up eventually. I’ve done this my entire life, ignore and not deal. I’m at the point now where it’s just so full of unprocessed “stuff”.

 I need to lighten this load. As I get older I am unable to continue to carry so much weight. I’m feeling things closing in, closing down, and I’m unsure of what to do next. It’s difficult for me to reach out and my options are limited. I don’t have all my answers- that’s a line bullshit I don’t believe. I need new input to figure it out. Guidance. Support. 

It’s hard to think about being alone with all this in a few weeks but it’s just reality like all the rest of the shit that shows up in my life. Of course I have thoughts I deserve the hard times and I think it keeps me from asking for more, but I’m accustomed to no one showing up or being there for me. Expectations equal disappointment. Why continue to be disappointed. I just retreat back into my world and ignore and avoid. At this point it feels like I’ve accepted the fact that my journey will always be hard and alone. The question is, how much longer will I be willing to keep going. 

How can I care enough to make a difference. If I don't care about myself, I don’t expect others to. 

Loss. Pain. Emptiness. Self inflicted. No Relief. Alone. Stop. Please. 

12.15.24