Body Brain Battles

My Body My Brain WTF

 Is my brain so busy because I’m constantly filling it up? Or because I have so much to let out? 

My health. Ugh. Hard topic for me currently. Cancer free. Yes. Problem free. I wish. The frustration lies in the fact that I have no answers from Western medicine. I spent 30 of my own years in the profession and so far no one has been able to help. Typical bandaids. THEY DON’T ALWAYS WORK. That’s what’s hard for me. 

I just recently went through possibly the worst episode I have ever had since this started 3 years ago. Four days of pure pain and suffering, stopping and then starting again for another two days. I think most people would’ve gone to the hospital but I don’t get anything but a much lighter wallet there. So I suffer. Alone. The conundrum.

Can I keep doing this alone? Why would I want to? How can I be able to be OK with those days? I never know when it’s coming or how severe it will be. There’s no relief while I’m going through it. I can’t eat or drink. It’s like being tortured. What do I do about this? Immediately after these episodes I certainly have a grand case for the final countdown. I fight past this for now but at what point will it be too much? Standing and taking it is a learned behavior that’s not always helpful, and continuing to keep taking this is almost a form of self torture. 

I have zero clue where to even go for ideas let alone answers. My grandpa used to say to me all the time, life is hard without your health. Take care of yourself. He was never wrong. I get it in a big way. 

Then I add in my struggles with depression and what it puts me through and it makes me pause to wonder sarcastically Why am I so fucking lucky to have this all going on? Beyond frustrating; maddening really. Where do I find hope? How do I find it amongst the many battles my body and brain are fighting? What is it all about? I search hard for messages that make sense. Nothing. 

Having physical and mental challenges simultaneously adds whole new layers to both. Managing or wanting to is getting tricky.

Fucked up broken brain fucked up broken body. My special pair. 

 Early morning thoughts on this first day of December 

12.1.24