Wouldn’t it be great if everyone had such a place to go. Love. Care. Healing. Safety. I feel that so much as the world is becoming more scary for me. It’s such a hard cycle to get out of- isolating myself versus being out and about. This one part of retirement that is unhelpful for me; I no longer have a job to make me get up and go every day or have people out there to interact with. I don’t feel safe in many places and have few safe people right now and am very aware, which in itself can overwhelm me.
What’s been troubling me this week is how I am recognizing where I’ve seen some of my behaviors. My dad. The last few years of his life he had very few cognitive abilities left. He escaped into his own inner world. But it started out with dysregulated type behaviors.
My dad was never what most would call normal. I loved my dad; I was daddy’s little girl. The only girl in my family. He was different, the way he handled life. I never thought anything of it until I was an adult and realized he was either on the high end of the spectrum, Asperger’s maybe, he was bipolar, or a combination of both. Explains a lot really.
He was still a good dad in that he took care of the family and did all the dad things in our house. My brothers were all gay in their own way so I reaped the benefits of learning things from my dad because they had no interest. Actual useful things like lawn and garden care, how to use all that equipment outside. Cars. Not only did he teach me to drive a stick shift but also how to change the oil and check other things in a car engine. Music. He played saxophone in a Jazz band when he was young and in the basement when he was upset. I got to play that sax in high school and my love of music developed here as he always had something playing. . Sports. I swam competitively for years, played softball, volleyball, and basketball in school. Watched it all on TV. I can still hear us screaming at Woody Hayes and the Buckeyes. To this day I love watching sports on TV or in person when possible. All these things and more have helped me in life lived mostly alone. I’m thankful for those lessons. I never got the girl lessons. Hmmm
I try to keep those good memories in my heart because at age 17 my daddy broke my heart forever and we couldn’t go back. That’s a story for another time.
The last time my parents visited me here, I realized just how my dad’s mental functioning had deteriorated. He had quite a few outbursts when things unplanned happened, not being able to cope and adjust without intervention. His memory was poor and at times he just rambled. We took trip to visit the Desert Museum with a couple they were friends with. I sat in the back beside my dad. He narrated the entire trip with what he was seeing and thinking as we drove. He couldn’t help himself or quiet his mind or voice. I just sat with him, held his hand and listened, wondering if he was in a manic episode. It was quite sad to see his daily ups and downs.
Now, I’m doing similar things, exhibiting similar behaviors. I react instead of taking a minute to gather my thoughts and respond. I’m aware, but not in control. Is it a brain dysfunction of some sorts. Parts out of control for sure. It’s difficult to see this in myself now and think of how it was for my dad. The humming and whistling and singing and air instruments that used to reverberate from him I can now see how he was calming himself, grounding himself, looking for safety. It’s a shitty space to reside in. I think for me it’s gotten worse due to my retirement. Too much time for my brain.
It’s something else for me to work on but I’m not making it easy by not giving myself opportunities for interactions with others. Still in the cycle, the circle of isolation. Not sure how to get out safely. Just another dilemma I’ll add to my list. Those lists get long when you’re alone.
All for now….
12.14.24
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