Finding Some Light

What Lights Me Up 

 If only I had an answer to that it certainly would be a great starting point. Problem is I have been asking myself that question for a few years now, none more than this past year that I have been “retired”. I definitely wasn’t it prepared to be where I am. 

I used to have many hobbies that I loved and enjoyed. My passion was obvious. But that’s all gone from me now, drained in the abyss of depression. I have many thousands invested in my photography stuff. I haven’t touched my camera in 3 plus years. I have an entire workshop of jewelry making and crystals and again I have not really touched any of it for 3 years. All the different crafts, baking, candy making- no longer gives me pleasure. But what does?

My million dollar question. I have no idea where to look for an answer. I miss creating but not sure what I can create that will even ignite a spark. I started drawing Neurographica, taking classes to learn the process. While I do find this fascinating, I realize I don’t do it for pleasure. I do it for flow and processing, to work out issues for my mental health. I have been learning to use Procreate, a digital creation platform for iPad but it hasn’t kept me hooked. What trips me up? Not going to lie….people. People change my direction in many ways. I allow it. No excuses.

So what lights me up? Where is my passion? Unknown. Lost like me. I’m not looking to find my old self, but how do I create a new self when i don’t see anything I want to put in. The hopelessness found in the dark extinguishes even a pilot light. 

Last month in my journal I made this entry:

I like writing. 

I starred and circled it as I realized that was the first time I had written I Like ________

It struck me large.

But now what?

I write most every day. I haven’t lost that as it’s much needed a way to let things out, to get things out. Just now sure how to take that and utilize it.

I like _________

Short list. I can’t think of any additions today. I guess I’ll just keep writing.

Sometimes I think I should just live on an island, truly isolated. At least there wouldn’t be any more people adding to this slow torturous empty life I’m currently living. Life without feeling and simply existing day to day is my path to death. 

I’m losing. Is it time? 

12.3.24