Forced Things
I’ve really been struggling more than ever with connection to other people. I keep reading and I’m told I need it but my issue is it doesn’t feel good. I keep forcing myself to be around people but it’s just pushing me further into my self isolation.
So how can connection be good for me when it feels so awful? Do I keep forcing myself to try, to be around others when I am so miserable all the time? It seems to me I need to repair my attachment issues and forcing myself to be around others doesn’t fix anything. How do I do that? I need help. I don’t know what to do, how to even attempt to fix. Am I choosing the wrong people, the wrong situations? More instruction please.
I don’t get that common humanity thing either. It doesn’t make me feel better to know others suffer, to hear their stories, or find similarities. I don’t wish my suffering on anyone else so that concept is totally foreign to me. Where did that come from? It’s one of the 3 components of mindful self compassion that Kristin Neff and Chris Germer teach about.
Self Compassion is something I so desperately need in my life however their formula is just confusing to me. Common humanity is one and again I don’t feel better knowing others suffer. Mindfulness if the next on their list. Can I just say that people who carry a lot of trauma and burdens do not want to be mindful of their trauma. The third and final component in their formula is self kindness. Well, isn’t that the goal of self compassion? To be kind and loving to yourself? If only I could do that I wouldn’t be so void of self compassion.
I wish someone could tell me why their formula is so successful but I don’t get it at all. It’s like a foreign language unable to be translated for me. A puzzle that’s missing something. I just don’t connect. These are the kind of things that give my brain evidence that I’m fucked up, I’m broken.
So back to my original question. How helpful is forcing myself to be with people I don’t enjoy? Is that truly connection because I don’t think so. Being in a space where I don’t feel comfortable or safe, where I’m on alert and easily dysregulated doesn’t feel right to me in any way.
I have been trying in a group to be present and connect. It’s not working for me. I feel lost and disconnected in this group. I honestly don’t feel I belong there or am good enough to be there, very put off by things that have been said. It’s very discouraging and defeating in many ways.
Currently, in this place in my life it seems like I’m just adding more shit to my already full system. It’s out of hand for me now as finding a place for coregulation is truly a challenge. Right now I have 1 hour a week with my therapist but that may be ending here soon. I’m trying not to think about losing that but the threat is real.
It’s a dilemma with no easy answer. I do keep trying but at what expense. Things are not getting better. My path seems so convoluted. Is there anyone out there that hears me? That can help me?
Stop the ride. I want off.
12.12.24
It’s only a part of the problem
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