Suicide

Until I Depart

 I’m not afraid of sharing my thoughts of suicide. It’s when I quit talking about it we should all worry. I would guess most people with depression think about hurting or killing their self. It’s a horrible place to be stuck that darkness and hopelessness of depression. And let’s face it, suicide does guarantee to end the pain. 

I’m not advocating for but it is the truth. That’s the attraction of it. It’s actually trying to help by keeping me from feeling that horrible grief and pain and shame. It’s one of the vicious circles and cycles of depression. I’m always cognitively aware but often that doesn’t make one bit of difference. 

I get so tired but giving up? I’ve been close but I haven’t made it there yet. I always keep my options open. Options. A really good word for me. I enjoy having options so I am constantly searching and creating them. This is one on that final path and if it appears alone it is The Finale! I’m not there but I get it. It’s less scary to me now in some ways but more scary in others. 

Yes, I have a plan. Why hide it. When I'm ready, it’s going to be a helluva ride out! I’m not a gun person and I won’t inflict more pain on myself. Pharmaceuticals all the way to oblivion. A final countdown party to take me away. 

Until then, I’m going to just keep writing, keep talking…….

12.5.24