Parts Parts Parts

         

 Parts Parts Parts

Every part is different. 

I haven’t really spoken about parts here much. Yes I do work with my “parts”. Parts works seems to be a new buzz word this past year kind of like mindfulness was for a bit. Neither are new concepts. 

I found parts works not quite 3 years ago. I’ve read 23 books about IFS/Parts Work, been to many workshops, drop in groups, paid groups, numerous websites and Facebook groups, all in the name of learning about my parts. For me, finding IFS was like discovering my missing language. It has given me the ability to communicate with others what is going on inside my system and they can actually understand! 

It also has made a change in my system which is hard to describe but I’ll try. I used to live my life compartmentalizing all facets of it. Everything was pretty separate. With IFS/Parts work, those compartments have now become apartments, with windows and doors. And now my parts can see, and know each other, can come and go, no longer in isolation of their compartment, waiting for me to let them out.

I do this mostly on my own as my therapist is not trained in this modality but we manage. That’s why I go to groups and drop-ins and workshops; to check in with a trained person. It’s a pretty interesting way to interact and get to know yourself. 

Have I mentioned that my therapist is on maternity leave again? Yep baby number 2 while I’m still with her. Harder even this time because of how the strength of our relationship evolved. But I wasn’t going to make the same mistake this time and go it alone. That wasn’t so great for me. Thankfully, I have someone to help me through this time. I’m very happy to have her.

One thing I have been thinking about since she’s been gone is something she has said to me on several occasions. She wonders if she is holding me back, would I be better served with someone who knows parts work or other modalities she isn’t trained in. I tell her the same thing every time. Of course I can find someone who does parts work/IFS, but I can’t replicate our relationship that we have been building the last 3 years. I am usually very considerate and thoughtful of others but I haven’t considered am I forcing her to learn this because it’s something I want? Is that the right thing to do for either of us? I am still pretty passionate about it and utilize it constantly in my daily talk about parts. The concepts are understood. She always puts what I need first…always. That is something I can’t deny as she has shown me over and over. Unintentionally I know I’ve done things that others would be offended by but she never is (or she doesn’t tell me she is). I think she knows me and hopefully understands my intentions and is always supportive. So.. Why am I chasing other things…why isn’t what we’re doing, what she offers enough? I never thought of it this way. My thoughts are just finding things to help myself. I am so used to having to do everything for myself, that hyper independence, I just do it everywhere in my life, even when I am paying a professional for help. Like helping the landscaper do the yard- that’s so me! I also love to learn and IFS is fun to learn! Lastly, one hour therapy session a week is slow going when you have 60 years of uncovering to do. Of course I’m going to work on my own. It’s never personal against another. I am very appreciative of peoples help, my therapists especially. 

 I don’t know what the right thing is here but I do still strongly believe in our relationship over anything else and pretty sure most therapists do too. Things to ponder and work through while she is gone. Trailheads as they call it in IFS. It can sometimes be clearer when you’re not in the middle of it. 

I had another thought after I went away for a few minutes….IFS is something you can do a lot on your own. Certainly fits my narrative. OMG SMH 🤦🏻‍♀️. Do I gravitate to these things so I don’t need others or because I’m afraid of losing what I have or both? Probably. Yep. 

Parts, parts, parts. Busy day today. LOL <<< at least there’s that 🙂

The roller coaster of life with Lola

Last day of November and New Moon. Explains my busy brain….out with the old, in with the new. Hope it starts working…..get that New Moon broom out! 

Still alone with my thoughts

I might be a crazy cat lady but my cats don’t think I’m crazy 

I think I’m done being here for today.

Maybe not. 

Options. 

11.30.24

Hello?

Is There Anyone in There…Just smile if you can hear me

 Where are you Self? Especially Self Compassion. I still haven’t found it enough to recognize it often. As I continue peeling back the layers, uncovering and remembering all is part of the process but not sure I was ready to hold all these things by myself. That’s why they’ve been hidden for so long. Avoidance and distraction are running the show a lot. I need to feel safe. Trying to resource that safety for myself is challenging. Yes, I know I have already went thru all of it. That doesn’t make it easier when it’s never been processed or dealt with. Trauma is not what I went thru. It’s what is leftover. Imagine it being left over, hidden, and untouched for the most part for 60 plus years. 

Resources. Where do I find more? Of the 168 hours in this upcoming week, I will have 2 whole hours for conversation within my therapy and some text messages during my hockey games. Everything else and everyone else is now gone for various reasons. If you’ve been reading you know I struggle wanting connection as people equal pain. I still try. I talk with myself often but don’t have all my own answers. I wake up in the middle of the night in full conversation with myself. I need input and guidance from others. I don’t seem to find much right now. My choices in others aren't the best. It’s why no one is left here with me. When givers quit giving, the takers move on.  

Why do I keep coming here, to this page. It’s familiar. Lots on my mind. Safe space to brain dump. If I’m here writing I’m not doing other things. Lost. Searching. Hoping? Didn’t have that yesterday. Hmmm. 

11.30.24

People Suck

Totally my experience with people. 

I only really ever have myself. 

I know it’s not enough. 

It’s all I’ve got. 

Still trying.

Sadly here in the US it appears that rudeness and not caring is what people really want. Hate seems to be OK and now normalized. Just more reasons for my people equal pain stays a fact in my system.  

 

This kind of sums up the attitude I see and experience right now. And you know what, it really makes me want to care even more. I want to care more about others but don’t care much about myself? My thoughts make no sense at times but it’s what it says. Conditioning? I just don’t want to be part of the hate, to fuel the anger. I carry so much of it inside me, against me. How will I survive if it’s outside and all around too. Where do I go to find some kindness and joy? I have no answers. Do you? 

11.30.24

Go Buckeyes

 

Hope needed

 Please continue to hold hope for me. I can’t find any right now but I’m counting on you to still be out there holding on so I don’t let go. I’m not ready yet.

My Black Friday

11.29.24 

Survival

 Survival. I believe we all have that innate sense of survival built in, but I have to ask at what cost? Should we just continue on no matter what? Finding shit behind every door. What if you woke up one day and realized you have lived your entire life in survival mode? This is me. I did everything the absolutely fucking hard way. Yes, I have survived to this day, but I have effectively eliminated all people from my life. 

Now I find myself here, alone. Just like I planned it. Reality.  Not going to lie…it suck’s big time. I don’t know how to find my way to a different path. I’m doubtful there is one. It makes it hard because I do know that I can’t do this alone, yet it’s all I have. Current state of my health…poor. Mental and physical both still a struggle with zero answers in hand. 

The survivor in me is still strong but oh so tired. And some days oh so sad. I know it’s a mistake but how do I change after all these years. The fights and struggles and challenges just keep hammering me so hard, trying their best to defeat me. While I thought I was winning, I realize now that all I have been doing is deceiving myself, losing my actual Self in the name of the battle. Going in circles, finding myself in same place and spaces in my mind and my body. Blinded by my own self; like a prison. I can find no doors that swing either way. Will I ever find a door? Will anyone knock? Will I hear? Will I open it? Fuck off. 

How much longer will I keep up the facade, trying to fool myself long enough to justify not caring. I know that might be being a little hard on myself but no one else lives in this body of mine, this brain of mine. I get I need to help myself. I try so hard. But I feel like I’m losing. I rarely find answers and I seem to just go in circles, stuck in the tortuous cycles of depression. I reach out but…So lost and alone. What do I do? Where do I go? If I don’t care how can I expect anyone else to? Am I even asking the right questions? 

We heal in connection. So fucking sick of hearing that. I have never found this to be true for me. EVER. People equal pain. Love hurts. People suck. Why would I want them close? To give them another opportunity to crush me? Every single person in my life has hurt me. Most by using my words against me. Is it any wonder that I find myself alone? Is there any question why I don’t want to share myself with others? And zero question why love is hard for me. I am not surprised. Survival. I wrote about choosing to be alone in this blog early on. I never mind being alone. Lonely is a different story that I don’t see how to solve.

The two constants I hear about healing from those supposedly in the know: 

You must love yourself

You heal in connection.

I don’t stand a chance.

Can anyone still help me?

Survival. Hard. Ugly. Test. Struggle. Challenge. Extra. Let me out. 

I don’t want to do it anymore. At least not the hard way. It’s the only way I know. I still love to learn. Need a teacher. Is anyone out there? Please. I can’t hear you. 

11.29.24

Darkness All Around

 

How do I do this when I only find the dark. No light. No joy. Kindness and compassion are long lost, no longer my friends. Uncomfortable in my own skin. Peeling back the layers I have found so much, opening the past and stirring some deeply held shame and pain. So blocked and resistant. Are we so afraid of something good? The truth is I’m not sure I know how that feels…..good.

Harshland has been our reality for so long. It’s hard to recognize and be aware of how the name fits. Internal conversations rated R or worse. Another place I thought I had improved but I was fooling myself. Discouraged and somewhat disillusioned currently with the whole awareness thing. I am super fucking aware of so many things…WHAT NOW? Nothing seems to change. I guess I’m not processing all that I am aware of. Because I don’t know how…..I don’t have all my fucking answers. Where might I find them? Feeling so lost. 

Safety is elusive. Most has been altered or lost. Truly challenging to restore by myself or even my Self. Still trying. Looking for safety amongst the familiar has me here again. Alone with my thoughts.

I still hate myself 

11.26.24

After writing this, I came across this from Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle on FB. Love this guy for all his shares on trauma and addiction. Thankful for his thoughts tonight. So relatable. You can tell he lives it. 

We don’t need to be perfect. 

But we do need to show up for ourselves. 

We need to be on our side. 

We need to have our own back. 

That’s easier said than done, when we’ve been conditioned by complex trauma to hate and distrust ourselves. 

It feels like a risk. 

Being on our own side can feel “selfish.” Or “narcissistic.” Or “fake.” 

We can’t let that stop us. 

If we’ve been conditioned to sh*t on ourselves or shame ourselves or abandon ourselves under stress, NOT doing that is going to feel dangerous. 

It’s going to feel disingenuous. 

As it turns out: showing up for ourselves can be very emotionally complex. 

Trauma Brain is going to tell us it’s “stupid.” 

It’s going to tell us we’re “unworthy.” 

It’s going to tell us we “deserve” to be abused or abandoned— after all, that’s probably why the people who were supposed to support and love us didn’t, right? Right? 

Wrong, actually. 

That’s BS— Belief Systems— being pushed by our trauma conditioning. No more; no less. 

But it feels very real. I know. 

Show up for yourself. 

Refuse to attack or abandon yourself. 

Resist the pressure. It’s gonna feel like an itch— that’s how conditioning works— but don’t scratch it. 

�That self-hate and self-distrust is a symptom. And we don’t shame ourselves for symptoms. 

What do we meet symptoms with? Say it with me: radical compassion and infinite patience. 

You can do this. I don’t care how old you are or how late in the game it feels. 

You can do this. 

Today can be another day— or Day One. 

Start today. 

Have your own back— no matter what.

Comfort in The Dark

Comfort in the Dark

 Something feels different this time. The dark and empty seem to be welcoming me and I’m not resistant. It makes me wonder. Am I giving up. Letting go. Acceptance that nothing I’m doing leads me to any other place but here. Is this really all there is for me? My Soul Survivor is distant and oh so silent. Hopelessness is powered by the nothingness of existence only. 

 Endless wandering; 

still no one is ever really there. 

Nothing stops the pain and 

we still don’t care. 

11.26.24

Struggling with Giving Up

How do I keep going? It’s getting increasingly difficult for me to see anything that’s even slightly hopeful ahead. I cultivated most of this hell I find myself in. A life of being by myself, alone and one that I do understand is not sustainable. But at this point I don’t see any way out. 

I’ve dug a huge hole for myself and I don’t see a way out. While I may be able to experience some back fill, the reality is not looking good for escape. Everyday I am reminded of how much I have failed myself but I’m too numb to care much anymore. Hopelessness is what brings on the darkness. Any yes I do believe I find comfort there now. No one will see me there. I don't think anyone looks. 

Tired.

11.24.24

Stuck

 So discouraged and disillusioned today. It feels like I never get anywhere. Stuck in the muck, Going in circles, with clouds clinging. I keep coming back to the same places and spaces. Ugh. What’s the fucking point anyway??? Scream…….. No comfort in our own skin

Is this what there is for me? Up and down and all around and unknown day to day. what will we say, what will we do- who knew? I just don’t know why I keep trying so hard. Survival I suppose. But at what point do you just quit? Am I on autopilot and just deluding myself? Hope is often so hard for me to find. Perhaps that’s the delusion. What is real?

So far away today. 

In to the dark. Is that my comfort zone? 

Still alone

11.23.24

My Friend Depression

 Depression. Fucking depression. It’s hard to find words when you’re stuck in the shit. I want to feel but it’s too much and then I run, as far away as I can, sometimes right out of my mind. But I can never get far enough away and it eventually all comes right back. To start over.

It’s 1 PM and my next stop is back to bed. Not common for me at this hour. It’s such a strong pull today and I’m not sure why. Puzzled. But I am going to honor it. I am still wondering if this brain of mine is deceiving me in some way. Or maybe it will help.

You think things are level and managing and then BOOM…..I wish I had an answer for why I keep finding myself here. At least today I’m not in the basement or too close to the edge. Still trying to find good in it all. 

Don’t trust my Self or myself. Jumbled thoughts. Over loaded. No resolution. Need a glimmer. I’ll even take a spark. Small things can loom large.

Alone with my thoughts 

11.22.24

Coming Back to Find a Way Out

 I have not been here for more than a year but today I have no other place to go. So here I am.  Sad when it’s the only place you have to go and you know no one is here. No this isn’t a pity party, it’s a reality check. I’m feeling overwhelmed by I don’t get it. Still in a foggy dark cloud. WTF is the matter with people? 

I’ve written so much about how painful people are for me. And so it continues. Misfit. I never have fit anywhere. Almost, but then it seems some quirk or some trauma response comes out and I’m the problem. I hold boundaries and advocate for myself and then I’m the problem. It hurts to be told you’re always welcome, you’re family,  and then POOF 💨 you’re not, because you’re the problem. Discouraging to keep trying to make connections and then they go away or are taken away. People suck. Why do I fight so hard, try so hard. Fuck relationships. 

Feeling lonely for the first time in awhile. I usually don’t mind being alone but it’s different right now. Low on options. That’s an understatement- trying to fool myself. 

VOID. Truth

11.13.24

Update 11.21.24

Funny thing happened….not actually first choice wanted but certainly call when they need. And I still respond; unsure if it was a good thing yet. 

Fucked Up

 This…..☹️

Deep In It

 

 I don’t think anyone still reads my blog. I get it. It’s not fun to read about others pain. I am struggling badly. I feel closer to death than other time in my life. I don’t enjoy being here any longer. Everyday is hard. Fucking hard. My life has me trapped. I am so tired.  I feel like a prisoner of my own mind. No joy. No pleasure. Just musts and shoulds and I am tired. So tired. I’m giving up. I hate now and see nothing next. Very few options in my sight. I just can’t find my way out. 

Hopeful Silence

 I’ve been quiet here. So much happening within. Discovery and recovery. Uncovering and unburdening. Getting naked from the inside out. I’m grateful to be trying something new and hopeful that it can help me find some answers. Healing is hard work. Surviving is harder. 

Monsters

 The monster inside

Deep within

Under

the basement

It escapes for just a brief time

And I have to start all over again

3-24-23

Heavy Answers

I have been trying to process a lot of heavy things that I’ve been carrying for so many years recently. Trauma. I find it hard to even say that word and associate it with myself. So many things I just don’t want believe about myself. Reality. Being honest and really seeing and admitting to my truths is just a first step. Grief is not something I had considered in this context. But it is something that I feel is right there, under the surface, waiting to be set free. 

The disconnect of my feelings and emotions between my mind and my body can be oh so uncomfortable at times. I recently had an epiphany of sorts relating to this connection. I have had chronic pain for quite a few years now from arthritis in my hips, shoulders, hands and back. I’ve learned how to accept a certain pain level and shut down those feelings of pain. So for someone like me, how do I reconnect my brain and body and not return to intolerable pain levels? Have I shut it all down even prior to this depression? There’s has to be an answer for people like me. I need a different approach than the norm. 

The search continues. Lack of connection within self. More questions. Few answers. I’m not unhappy about it. At least I keep asking questions. Someday they'll all be answered. 

Started on 3-8 finished 3-19-23

Perfect Date

 My perfect date! My kind of connection. Listening and vibrating. What more do I need?!! 🤭

3-2-23

She’s Back…….

                                                                                     

After 133 days (19 weeks) I saw my therapist today. Anxious. Yes. Concerned. Yes. Grateful. Yes. Happy. Yes. I was surprised at how easy it was. I had expected more resistance from myself but there wasn’t a need. It doesn’t seem like too much repair will be necessary. We both came back as different people but it still felt pretty comfortable.  

Navigating maternity leave. Not something I want to do again in the near future or ever: keeping it real. I just need a better plan in place. Better plan...haha...how about having an actual plan. That is being more honest. I am pretty discouraged with others right now. I will need to really put some thought into this.

I truly thought I could just take a break. I had convinced myself that it would be fine. Never one to shy away from admitting my mistakes, boy was I wrong on this one. The very first weeks I was panicky. I was in a type of withdrawal. It was difficult and confusing to go from having such an outlet to having nothing. I wrote pages and pages in several different journals those first few weeks. 

Of course I missed the feedback and knowledge but what I missed the most was the safe space that took many months and a lot of work to build. I hope it still exists. I have so much more I need to share. It's been quite the 133 days.

2-28-23

Me.

 

 Trust

Trust. TRUST. Trust. One of my least favorite words. I don’t seem to have much trust in anything or anyone right now. I recognize this as pretty big problem because that anyone includes me. I don’t trust myself. I am questioning most everything; the decisions and choices I am making in every aspect of my life. 

I can’t remember a period that I have felt this confused for so long with no idea what to do about it. As excited as I was about my new job, at the end of week 3 now, I have many questions if this is the right place. To be having doubts about my abilities to do a job that’s not new scares me. 

I have been realizing there are many things I can no longer do. My brain constantly lies to me about these things but I do see my reality. While I am working hard to change it, it seems I have been more accepting of my truths; mostly that my body is unable to function well. But then I worry if acceptance will make me complacent and I will quit trying to get better.  

I have not been able to walk unassisted for 3 years now. Having limited mobility can be very frustrating. Pain and weakness have been my daily for 3.5 years. Of course its super difficult for me to ask for help. I wonder if that in itself is why I have not made much progress physically. I push myself to do things I shouldn’t be doing to my body. Hurting instead is healing. At times there seems to be no other options. Still lots of Ghosts. Goes both ways now.

Trust. Where am I going to find my own? It’s lost or buried. Oh how I hate just floating along. Pointless. I can’t seem to change how I feel about that. Should we not all have some purpose for our lives?

Self. Trust. Broken. Fuck. 

2-24-23 

 Connection

I have to admit my forward progress has slowed tremendously the last few months. I’m not going to beat myself up over it for once. I suppose I could call that progress if it’s true. 

I have been doing my best to work on myself when I’m able. It’s been much slower going but it can come to a screeching halt when I hear two concepts about healing and self love.

 One is you can’t love anyone else until you love yourself. I have believed this for most of my life and since I’m pretty devoid of self love I just assumed I’ve been bad at loving others; failure in relationships. But recently I’ve been reading something different which is that others can actually help you love yourself. My thought: maybe. Of course my choices of people makes a difference, but that still causes me an issue.

Connection with others. That’s second thing I hear so often: you can not heal without connection. Boom. POW. Wham. Batman. Another steel door on my house. I just don’t desire connection. At all. I am perfectly honest with myself about it. Everyone I have ever trusted has betrayed me. At some point they have all used things that I have shared to hurt me. Why would I want to continue trusting or being open when this is my result?  Rigid thinking, yes. I am not willing to make myself vulnerable. I am unwilling to be open. I plain and simple have no desire to bring more pain upon myself. That is what is connection represents for me…PAIN. 

So my rabbit hole…I need connection to heal and connection can help me with self love. I still don’t want it! See the four letter P word above. Which leads me to: I guess I will never heal and Something is the matter with me since I don’t want connection. 

Stop signs. I don’t know if I can turn them in to green lights. 

2-14-23

Knowledge

 Knowledge 

I was recently fired from a job I was at for 4 years. I was let go because I don’t have any acceptable initials at the end of my name aka a degree. This was an interpretation of the accreditation rules and was mentioned to me 8 months ago. I was called, told of the “rule” and then they tried to strong arm into enrolling in a program. I politely declined. Not one other mention of this until I was called into a meeting and fired. 

To me this entire situation was handled so unprofessional. The company did some very questionable things to hide problems from the accreditation board. I was out on medical leave at the end of last year, which was approved. I came back, was called to a ZOOM meeting where I fired. My direct manager, the regional dean, HR, and campus director were all in attendance. Not one of them bothered to turn their camera on to speak with me. I was fired looking at a Zoom screen with dark boxes. That is fucked up. I was a good employee, always got good reviews and was even told there was no issue with my performance. 

Back to the degree. I guess I haven’t mentioned I’m an instructor. I teach at a career college(technical school) about the job I’ve been doing for 29 years. I’m almost ready to retire. Taking general education classes to finish a degree doesn’t make sense for me. It’s not going to make me a better teacher in the subject matter that I deal with. My results speak for themselves as my students do well and most are out in the world working in their new career.

I have no qualms with education. I respect your degrees and I consider myself a life long learner.  When something interests me I will soak up all I can about the subject. It just seems to me that we undervalue experience. I find that so unfortunate as peoples experiences are such wonderful lessons.

So let me ask….would you rather have an instructor with 29 years of actual experience in the field or 3 years and an Associate degree? 

2-7-23

Sauce

 Sauce

It’s Sunday afternoon and I smell sauce. Tomato sauce. My Italian tomato sauce recipe that’s been stored in my head for 52 years and counting. I haven’t had the pleasure of the aroma for a very long time. I haven’t even had a thought of making sauce for a few years. I have to say it smells so good. Vine ripened tomatoes, sweet onion, mushies, sweet basil oh the yum! 

Tomorrow is a big day for me. I am starting a new job. Yes I said new job. You see a month ago I was fired from the old place. The reason had nothing to do with my performance but simply a matter of not having enough initials at the end of my name. I have a lot to say about that topic and will save it for another post. The only thing that has bothered me about getting fired is the loss of the paycheck. I have not been sad one bit about being gone from there. 

I have never been fired in my entire life but if this is what it’s like, it’s been a good thing for me. As many times as I was told, I still didn’t realize the damage to myself that was happening while I was working there. My recovery has entailed much more than I ever imagined. It’s going to take me some time to get back all that I gave up. 

I feel strange today because I actually feel good about tomorrow. This is new and a bit of wonderful so sorely lacking but this job started out in such a positive light. I was contacted by an old boss and I interviewed for this job 2 weeks ago. I received an offer and after thinking it thru, I had resigned myself to not accepting the position. Essentially I knew realistically that my physical self could not manage the job that was presented.Nothing the matter with my brain but my body is important too. I have been working so hard to heal. I told them I couldn’t accept and why. I was then asked to please wait until the end of the day before calling HR. A couple hours later they called me back and gave me everything I asked for to accommodate my needs. I was blown away! Tears flowed freely which in this Zombie depression is significant. Speechless, but managed to get out a yes of course I’ll accept and thank you. They let me know that they value my skills and actually want me as an employee. VALIDATION! That has felt amazing. But I hesitate because I need to make sure I figure out how to not make this an old pattern.

I have super low self esteem. I have discovered that I have lived my my entire life thinking my self worth and value was tied to productivity and how much I could do for others mostly. I was never encouraged or really allowed to foster anything within myself; not allowed to develop being myself. Never good enough(a work in progress). I looked externally for that value with no understanding that my worth comes from within. For so many years I was able to manifest these external rewards that I thought kept me sustained. Four years ago I lost all of that when I could no longer be self employed due to my health. After 22 years I had to go back to work for someone else. I felt lost and empty. I’m sure my brain started crashing at that time but it didn’t let me notice until I got cancer and it finally said HELP ME please! I can’t handle this any longer.

I guess my confusion is am I putting too much on getting this job? Can I just feel good about it and realize I also need to be balanced with it. I hope I’m making sense. I really need something to feel good about so I will stay aware and maybe not over value? Hmmm. Input please….(16 weeks now PS😟)

A fresh start tomorrow doing a job I know and enjoy with new people around me. I will go with my head up and a intentional smile on my face with high hopes of it staying there. Fighting those little voices of how is this goodness happening to me. 

It’s been a long time since I made my sauce. I know it’s going to taste delicious! Just like tomorrow…..it’s been a long time.

2-5-23

My 15 minute DYI

 Five Days

I am starting this by saying how disappointed I am in how my Procreate drawing uploaded above. I will figure out why it looks so blurry and fix it! Update (Just click on the picture to see it clearly 😉) On to the inspiration. 

People don't believe you when you tell them you’re alone. Of course that doesn’t mean I live on an island and don’t interact and with anyone. There are a few who will help me when it’s convenient for them. But as far as a support system I haven’t had one in place since my brother died.

Here’s my most recent DYI. I was told my brake light was out. I stopped at AutoZone and purchased new bulbs. Next day I watched a few how to YouTube videos and then proceeded to my car for the install. I could not replicate those YouTube instructions so I watched a few more. I realized I needed a 10mm wrench and I did not have. I put out an ask for help and got zero response. Surprise. Plan B. I ordered the wrench from Amazon. With Prime delivery it came the next day. Back to the car to remove light assembly. Voila! I can now get to the bulbs to change them but guess what? I was given the incorrect bulbs for my car at AutoZone and now my tail assembly was disconnected. I could put it all back together, drive back to AutoZone, hope they have the right bulbs, come back and take it all apart and replace but I’m choosing the easier for me Plan C. Back to Amazon to order new correct bulbs. Prime next day. Bulbs arrive late. It’s now day 5 of my 15 minute DIY project. But hallelujah! I got everything installed, working, and put back together properly. 

THIS IS MY LIFE. Alone. I’m proud of myself for figuring it out and finishing but it’s not easy to live like this. Especially now with my health struggles. Sometimes I don’t have a plan B or C. What then? I’m scared of that day coming. 

2-3-23

PS: Still doesn’t convince me for connection 

The group of people called therapists

 Finding a Therapist…my personal experiences 

My therapist has been on maternity leave for 15 weeks and 3 days now. Yes I’m counting. I’m hoping only 3 more weeks until she returns. I will make a separate post about this soon. I made a mistake by not finding someone else to see while she has been gone. My plan was to just take a break and work on improving my daily life. That didn’t work out well for me. 

I did try finding someone else and my experiences were honestly fucked up! I reached out to a total of 22 different therapists that I found from searching several hundred. I excluded the 12 who courteously replied by email they weren’t taking new clients even though their listing stated otherwise. All of them offered free consults which I took advantage of. Three of them didn’t bother to show up at the scheduled time even when confirmed and no communication they weren’t coming(so unprofessional). One challenged me for asking her questions and then told me I wasn’t right for her practice because I asked(I thought therapy was a collaboration not a dictatorship). Two showed and said they had no space for several months(why take the consult when I need someone now?). One told me to try Better Help. One I contacted thru a low cost service told me she gave away her last sliding scale spot the night before but could see me at full price(I call BS on the night before). 

Ten rejections. Ten failures. Hopeless. Empty. This is how I felt after these encounters. Sure I am responsible for my own feelings but here’s what I’d like to say to any therapist that might be reading this:

I am so happy that mental health is in the public eye now more than ever and people are getting help, which means you all have an abundance of clients/patients available to make your living. Update your info online. When it says taking new patients I assume you are. While I respect and honor your right to help who you choose, PLEASE pause and check within yourself when making those choices out loud. There are many like me truly hurting and first impressions, actions and words can be very impactful. Treat your consults as professional, delicate and gentle as a session. None of us know what’s really going on in each other.

From my experiences I don’t have a very good opinion of therapists in general. I never found anyone to help me get through this time. It has been hard being alone again with all my thoughts. I can only hope I’ll get mine back in three weeks. I don’t know what I’ll do if that doesn’t happen. 15 weeks, three days and still counting.

2-2-23

Rest

Ups and Downs 

Rest

I often say I’m living the roller coaster of life. It’s a good visual of reality, as life provides us a wide variety of experiences. We need all of them; good, bad, ugly, sad. I’ve ridden that roller coaster for many years but it’s different now. Being on Life’s Coaster with depression makes the dips go lower, darker, and the peaks are so much harder to climb. Many days are exhausting.

One of the most important things I’ve learned from my therapist is about rest. Yes it sounds simple but honestly I never truly understood that Rest is doing something. I need to repeat that.,, rest is doing something! My thoughts on rest used to tell me it was a waste of time. It never dawned on me to make it an actual activity. Not just an activity but one that is vital for good overall health of mind, body, and soul. 

A big part of this is self awareness. Simply paying attention to what your thinking, what your body is saying. Stop and pause to assess. And then LISTEN 👂. When I actually started to do this I was so surprised by how many things I was trying to tell myself but just ignored. Not surprising since I don’t do a very good job taking care of myself. 

Over the past months, I’ve gotten better at the listening for when I need rest.  I try very hard to honor my need for rest as a part of my self healing. Rest can be as simple as take a few breaths or change the scenery, sit down or actually lay down and sleep. It’s a reprieve, a get away, a refresher. You’re not resting if your mind is racing! 

My body has been telling me things for years and I hadn’t really heard a word it said. I guess the cancer demanded I change that. I must say I don’t believe I gave myself cancer but I do think it definitely was a desperate cry to self to wake up and make changes before it was too late. My health hasn’t been the best. Resting because I need it is now understood and  utilized as a big part of my Self care. 

I am starting to feel a tiny bit better.  I’ll take it. Any healing is better than zero. 

Who knew that you could learn about rest from your therapist? Thankful for the lessons 

2-2-23

2023

                                                                         2023

Yes I’m still here. Still struggling. Hope to start sharing again here. I have a lot more to say. 

1-25-2023

The Basement full of secrets

Defeated,

I went beyond the basement

Greeted there by The END and Deeper.

We all sat awhile

I listened.

The END was so very strong but,

Deeper more convincing.

This time

Written on 4-4-22

Thinking I will add more

Support System Deficiency 

I’m told we all need a system of support, a safety net, that we can count on to help us through the rough patches in our life. My safety net died in 2004. My brother, my best friend in this lifetime. It’s hard to find the words to describe our relationship. Never judgmental, always supportive, kind, and loving. He kept me on my path. 

We spent most every Saturday together in the spa or pool which would morph into dinner then cards, games, or a movie. We shared our weeks happenings with each other. We held nothing back and no topic was off limits. More than anyone else in my life my brother taught me what unconditional love was all about. And then he was gone. Losing him created such a huge void for me.

I thought I was managing until the question was asked- Who is your support system? I had to really put some thought into this because my reality is I have no one. I am sure I could make a list with a few names on it who would help me with certain things, but right here and right now no one truly knows me and what’s happening. 

People say I will support you but I’m not sure what that means as I have been mostly alone during my journey with cancer and into my mental health struggles. It’s also often said that you isolate yourself when you’re depressed. I have to disagree because I have found that people generally don’t want to hear about the hard times. So am I truly self-isolating?

What does supporting someone mean to you? For me the term is holding space. It’s more difficult than it might seem.

I wrote an entire blog entry on being strong. I have been trying to redefine that word in my vocabulary because as a person who is genuine giver my choices for friends don’t always fulfill many of my needs. I definitely see how my tendencies have led me to this place of having so little support. 

Right now I am so thankful for the many different ways my therapist provides support. At the same time it makes me sad that this is where I am at and also conflicted at times because that is her job. It is for me a genuinely safe space that provides a ray of much needed hope.

Friends…More listening, less busy. Be willing to just be there..come as you are. 

I don’t know how my story ends yet. 

4-4-22

Awakening is a painful process. It’s brutal. Everything you thought you knew no longer is the way you know it to be. The sun looks different. Foods don’t taste the same. Conversations are held up to a new standard. Then, you find yourself on an island, raising your white flag, praying for another wakened soul to show you how to navigate your new surroundings. It is an unfolding of your soul. The pain is caused from ironing out the creases, trying to remove remnants of the former self. But it doesn’t work that way. The creases are scars, remnants of the journey you trekked to arrive at this destination. To lessen the pain you must surrender. You have to be ok with not being ok. Observe your unfolding . . . . For not only are you awakening to a new world, you are awakening to your true self.

~ S. Moultrup 

Longing for that awakening.

3-20-22

 

This is the only plan I have. Pretty wide open. 

3-10-22

 Struggling

I’ve really been struggling this week with wanting to give up. Everything I’ve gone thru and all that I’ve done to improve myself, my health, and yet I feel like there is so much left to over come. I get so overwhelmed and then lose hope. It’s still massive. I wonder if I am going to be able to find solutions. I can’t move forward until I solve a 50 year in the making lack of self love. 

Self-love: a state of appreciation for oneself that grows from actions that support our physical, psychological, and spiritual growth. Self-love means having a high regard for your own well-being and happiness. Self-love means taking care of your own needs and not sacrificing your well-being to please others. Self-love means not settling for less than you deserve. Self love means accepting yourself as you are in this very moment for everything that you are. It means accepting your emotions for what they are and putting your physical, emotional, and mental well-being first. 

I found the above in something I was reading. While it makes sense to me, it’s just not how my brain sees or believes and not how I have been living. I think most every person I know would not have a clue that outside of work I don’t really take very good care of myself and have very low self esteem. I have become expert at compartmentalizing all the different aspects of my life. It’s almost like I have a few different personalities and bring out which ever I need. I wonder if my brain broke because it became so confused. Maybe it’s just saying WTF. 

Searching for answers just keeps me finding more questions. This is not living. 

3-8-22

                                                          Going on is not a given

 Degeneration or Regeneration

I long for more moments to be able to experience that connection of body, heart, and mind again. Some days so desperate with almost irrational thoughts of how to create it. My feelings. Where have you gone? The memories from last weekend still with me. Life without feeling is death. 

My hope is fading. It seems at every turn all I find is more questions. At first it feels good to arrive and uncover. But those feelings soon give way to the reality of how enormously fucked up I am. I have so many doubts of ever being able to heal and overcome. It’s overwhelming. I don’t know how much longer I can continue to be here for myself. My days are becoming increasingly harder. I don’t mind the uncomfortable but I’m precariously hanging on to a thread that can snap at any moment. It’s not a matter of if, it’s a matter of when. 

The darkness and emptiness still surrounds me. The castle that I put so much effort into constructing layer by layer turns out not to be that fairy tale for retirement, but instead more of a horror film. I have become a POS- prisoner of self. There are no doors; they have been blocked for many years. The windows have not been clear enough to see through and light only graces the inside because of the exposure of minute cracks due to age. 

Broken brain. Escape is but a dream. I can’t find my way out of the nothingness. The walls collapse, crushing my soul.

3-6-22