Is There Anybody Out There?

  If anyone is still here, send me strength and wisdom to make it thru the next weeks and months. My journey will soon become solo as I am losing my access to therapy. Oh how I despise the need for money. Sadly, no other options. Letting the reality sink in this chilly morning. Cold in more ways than one. I’m scared. 

 January holds the date of the event that changed my life path forever. Of course, I’ve found myself alone for the last 47 years. Why would I think it would work out any differently this time. 

I do have acceptance and understanding here. Things happen that aren’t always in the plans and I struggle with that. I’ll figure it out one day one moment at a time, whatever I need. Just working out this detour that has kind of come out of no where. 

The roads I travel always have potholes. Some larger than others but always there to alter my path. Sometimes I hit sink holes that keep me stuck or. Flat tire. 

Gotta find that tow truck. 

12.17.24

Reality

 Reality

I have lived 65 plus years and I find myself here alone. It’s my reality. I’m really feeling it right now. I don’t see a way to change it and that’s problematic as I know it’s not sustainable. I physically can’t do it right now, let alone what’s all going in my brain. It’s a struggle that’s not getting better. What do I do? My MO. Just ignore and avoid. It will eventually force me into something. Not sure what that will be. 

Quazar the misfit. I don’t feel I belong. Unsafe around people and in most places. No where to go. Retreat. I’m not really hiding as no one is looking for me. In plain sight. Dark. Abyss. Void. 

Losing my 1 hour a week of co-regulation just piles on. I’m worried. 

More later 

12.15.24

Fearful Avoidnace aka Disorganized

Ignore It…Go Away

 

Avoidance. That’s my main modus operandi. It works until it doesn’t. Ignoring whatever it is puts it out of site, but not always out of mind, and it catches up eventually. I’ve done this my entire life, ignore and not deal. I’m at the point now where it’s just so full of unprocessed “stuff”.

 I need to lighten this load. As I get older I am unable to continue to carry so much weight. I’m feeling things closing in, closing down, and I’m unsure of what to do next. It’s difficult for me to reach out and my options are limited. I don’t have all my answers- that’s a line bullshit I don’t believe. I need new input to figure it out. Guidance. Support. 

It’s hard to think about being alone with all this in a few weeks but it’s just reality like all the rest of the shit that shows up in my life. Of course I have thoughts I deserve the hard times and I think it keeps me from asking for more, but I’m accustomed to no one showing up or being there for me. Expectations equal disappointment. Why continue to be disappointed. I just retreat back into my world and ignore and avoid. At this point it feels like I’ve accepted the fact that my journey will always be hard and alone. The question is, how much longer will I be willing to keep going. 

How can I care enough to make a difference. If I don't care about myself, I don’t expect others to. 

Loss. Pain. Emptiness. Self inflicted. No Relief. Alone. Stop. Please. 

12.15.24

Safety

Safety and Reacting

 Wouldn’t it be great if everyone had such a place to go. Love. Care. Healing. Safety.  I feel that so much as the world is becoming more scary for me. It’s such a hard cycle to get out of- isolating myself versus being out and about. This one part of retirement that is unhelpful for me; I no longer have a job to make me get up and go every day or have people out there to interact with. I don’t feel safe in many places and have few safe people right now and am very aware, which in itself can overwhelm me. 

What’s been troubling me this week is how I am recognizing where I’ve seen some of my behaviors. My dad. The last few years of his life he had very few cognitive abilities left. He escaped into his own inner world. But it started out with dysregulated type behaviors.  

My dad was never what most would call normal. I loved my dad; I was daddy’s little girl. The only girl in my family. He was different, the way he handled life. I never thought anything of it until I was an adult and realized he was either on the high end of the spectrum, Asperger’s maybe, he was bipolar, or a combination of both. Explains a lot really. 

He was still a good dad in that he took care of the family and did all the dad things in our house. My brothers were all gay in their own way so I reaped the benefits of learning things from my dad because they had no interest. Actual useful things like lawn and garden care, how to use all that equipment outside. Cars. Not only did he teach me to drive a stick shift but also how to change the oil and check other things in a car engine. Music. He played saxophone in a Jazz band when he was young and in the basement when he was upset. I got to play that sax in high school and my love of music developed here as he always had something playing. . Sports. I swam competitively for years, played softball, volleyball, and basketball in school. Watched it all on TV. I can still hear us screaming at Woody Hayes and the Buckeyes. To this day I love watching sports on TV or in person when possible. All these things and more have helped me in life lived mostly alone. I’m thankful for those lessons. I never got the girl lessons. Hmmm

I try to keep those good memories in my heart because at age 17 my daddy broke my heart forever and we couldn’t go back. That’s a story for another time. 

The last time my parents visited me here, I realized just how my dad’s mental functioning had deteriorated. He had quite a few outbursts when things unplanned happened, not being able to cope and adjust without intervention. His memory was poor and at times he just rambled. We took trip to visit the Desert Museum with a couple they were friends with. I sat in the back beside my dad. He narrated the entire trip with what he was seeing and thinking as we drove. He couldn’t help himself or quiet his mind or voice. I just sat with him, held his hand and listened, wondering if he was in a manic episode. It was quite sad to see his daily ups and downs.

Now, I’m doing similar things, exhibiting similar behaviors. I react instead of taking a minute to gather my thoughts and respond. I’m aware, but not in control. Is it a brain dysfunction of some sorts. Parts out of control for sure. It’s difficult to see this in myself now and think of how it was for my dad. The humming and whistling and singing and air instruments that used to reverberate from him I can now see how he was calming himself, grounding himself, looking for safety. It’s a shitty space to reside in. I think for me it’s gotten worse due to my retirement. Too much time for my brain.

It’s something else for me to work on but I’m not making it easy by not giving myself opportunities for interactions with others. Still in the cycle, the circle of isolation. Not sure how to get out safely. Just another dilemma I’ll add to my list. Those lists get long when you’re alone. 

All for now….

12.14.24

Retirement

Happy Retirement WTF#*&K?

Retirement. Yahoo! Congrats! Enjoy! You deserve it! 

What the fuck???

Retirement has been one of the worst times in my life. That means here and now. I definitely was not prepared for this. I had no thoughts or plans in mind of what this meant for me. To describe it as quite the challenge is putting it mildly. 

People don’t understand why wouldn’t I enjoying being retired, free to do whatever I want. For me it’s hard to enjoy much when I’m going through the roller coaster of depression. I went from someone who always worked 60 plus hours a week to no schedule. That in itself was super disorientating for me. But not all bad. Of course ridding myself of  stress of the jobs I had was a huge benefit. But having too much time on my hands for me and my brain, Brain Train and Cog, can be challenging with overload. 

So now you say, find something to do? I’ve been stuck right there. What? I just talked about not knowing what lights me up. I’m not looking for a magic dust or a huge eureka of an idea, just something small. Again I am writing and that’s helpful, but this too can get me going in ways that’s aren’t so great. Sticky. Tricky. Picky? I’m allowed as an old lady!

Darkness prevails. I just can’t find a way to keep much light on….right now. 

 

It’s all still unknown for me and challenging managing and trying to figure it all out. Dr.GPD says don’t try harder, try softer and go slower. I’m still trying even when it’s all so hard to access. I try to remember there’s no time limit.

Retirement. This will certainly be an ongoing subject for me. For today that’s all. 

I’ll be back……it’s Friday the 13th tomorrow! 

12.12.24

My Struggle with Connection

Forced Things

I’ve really been struggling more than ever with connection to other people. I keep reading and I’m told I need it but my issue is it doesn’t feel good. I keep forcing myself to be around people but it’s just pushing me further into my self isolation. 

So how can connection be good for me when it feels so awful? Do I keep forcing myself to try, to be around others when I am so miserable all the time? It seems to me I need to repair my attachment issues and forcing myself to be around others doesn’t fix anything. How do I do that? I need help. I don’t know what to do, how to even attempt to fix. Am I choosing the wrong people, the wrong situations? More instruction please. 

I don’t get that common humanity thing either. It doesn’t make me feel better to know others suffer, to hear their stories, or find similarities. I don’t wish my suffering on anyone else so that concept is totally foreign to me. Where did that come from? It’s one of the 3 components of mindful self compassion that Kristin Neff and Chris Germer teach about. 

Self Compassion is something I so desperately need in my life however their formula is just confusing to me. Common humanity is one and again I don’t feel better knowing others suffer. Mindfulness if the next on their list. Can I just say that people who carry a lot of trauma and burdens do not want to be mindful of their trauma. The third and final component in their formula is self kindness. Well, isn’t that the goal of self compassion? To be kind and loving to yourself? If only I could do that I wouldn’t be so void of self compassion. 

I wish someone could tell me why their formula is so successful but I don’t get it at all. It’s like a foreign language unable to be translated for me. A puzzle that’s missing something. I just don’t connect. These are the kind of things that give my brain evidence that I’m fucked up, I’m  broken. 

 

So back to my original question. How helpful is forcing myself to be with people I don’t enjoy? Is that truly connection because I don’t think so. Being in a space where I don’t feel comfortable or safe, where I’m on alert and easily dysregulated doesn’t feel right to me in any way.

I have been trying in a group to be present and connect. It’s not working for me. I feel lost and disconnected in this group. I honestly don’t feel I belong there or am good enough to be there, very put off by things that have been said. It’s very discouraging and defeating in many ways. 

 Currently, in this place in my life it seems like I’m just adding more shit to my already full system. It’s out of hand for me now as finding a place for coregulation is truly a challenge.  Right now I have 1 hour a week with my therapist but that may be ending here soon. I’m trying not to think about losing that but the threat is real. 

It’s a dilemma with no easy answer. I do keep trying but at what expense. Things are not getting better. My path seems so convoluted. Is there anyone out there that hears me? That can help me? 

Stop the ride. I want off. 

12.12.24

It’s only a part of the problem

 

Slow Down. Rest. Try Softer.

Dr. Glen Patrick Doyle thank-you for your posts. Today:

It does always take great “self-discipline” to push ourselves past exhaustion. 

The truth is, very often, pushing ourselves past exhaustion is exactly what our trauma conditioning wants us to do. 

We’ve been programmed to believe that rest is for “the weak.” 

We’ve been conditioned to believe that we can survive situations by closing ourselves off and just pushing though. And, in fairness, sometimes that kind of pattern really did get us through certain periods in our life. 

The real truth is, it takes enormous self-discipline to slow down. 

To try softer. 

“Trying harder” comes easy to us trauma survivors. Very many of us tend to be incredibly black and white creatures— we think that if we’re doing well, the solution can only be “try harder.” Go faster. Push, and push, and push. 

The reality is that sometimes it’s the pushing that’s f*cking us up. Holding us back. 

Sometimes going faster and harder restricts our access to information. Hard to appreciate and process information, especially nuanced information, if we’re constantly in go go go go go mode. 

Trauma responses push us to exhaust ourselves in many ways. “Fight” and “flight” in particular are classic was our nervous system tries to solve every problem with “try harder.” 

Yet, even as “try harder” is the only strategy our nervous system seems to know, we still very often wonder if we’re trying “hard enough.” Or whether the important people in our life truly believe we’re trying. 

If you’re reading this, know: I absolutely believe that you’re trying. 

In fact, I suspect you’re often trying a little, or a lot, too hard. 

It’s not just you. We all are. It’s a symptom that’s driven by trauma reflexes and conditioning. 

It’a a symptom we have to meet, as we meet all symptoms in trauma recovery, with compassion and patience…and the discipline to try something different, even if and when it feels awkward or threatening. 

Don’t try harder. Try softer. 

Slow down. 

Breathe. 

If you truly want to go fast, go slow. 

Just for today, try out embracing that particular paradox.

The problem is not, and has never been, that you’re not trying hard enough. 

No matter what “they” conditioned you to think and believe.

12.11.24

Burdens

 She opens up her suitcase

And it’s loaded to the brim

She simply doesn’t have the room

To squeeze more baggage in

Her hold-all’s filled with years and years

Of things she has endured

But you think she has no hold-all

‘Cause she acts so self-assured

But just because she’s confident

And acts like she’s alright

It doesn’t mean her baggage 

Is inconsequentially light

For though her life looks rosy

It doesn’t mean to say

That she doesn’t carry burdens

That weigh her down each day

She’s fought off many monsters

Often swam up from the depths

She’s walked through many fires

And pulled herself back from the edge

So never think she walks on air

When she’s actually walked through hell

You just don’t know her load is heavy

Because she carries it so well

Becky Hemsley 2021

Beautiful artwork by Alisa Smith Williams

Posted 12.11.24

Void

 Void. A state of non existence. Completely empty. Describes how I feel. That I have nothing left and I don’t matter. Never much luck. Goodness never stays. Absolute aloneness.Trapped.  Zero expectations. Stuck. Crushed. One way out. 

Avoid. Keep away from. Stop oneself from doing. Options. 

I don’t care enough about myself so what does it matter. I don’t. 

12.11.24

Letting Go

 Letting Go

Letting go. I’ve been doing a lot more of this than I give myself credit for. It’s so needed in my life. I’ve been feeling at capacity for a while and I need to make room in most every area of my life. So I have been taking inventory of sorts to see what really still serves me. So much just hanging out from the past, taking up space without purpose. 

That’s been the key for me. Asking what purpose does it have in my life. What energy do I have or even want or spend on this. Do I want to use the space I have available for this. Some decisions have been easy. I’ve cleaned my social media of all people that showed me their true colors of hate this year. I may not be done yet. It was much easier than I imagined and not one person has said a word to me about being blocked. Apparently I’m getting rid of who needs to be gone. It’s been nice not seeing that garbage on my feeds. It’s surprised me how much softer and easier it is to be on social knowing the hate and vitriol isn’t going to appear.

The other thing for me about cleansing of people in my life is I have been learning a difficult lesson. That my perception of my relationship with someone is not always the same as theirs. I think I have a certain spot in someone’s life and then I find it’s just not the case. Apparently I insert myself into people’s lives in ways that don’t match up with their reality. It’s hard to find out your true”value” to others. I would guess this is where my lack of any kind of secure attachment in my life show’s up. That I have no clue how to read my relationship or for it be healthy. It’s hard to be wrong so many times. Hurtful. People equal pain. 

Letting go. Something that I will continue to work on. People is a good start. I’ll keep chipping away at the mental and physical clutter that cause hardship and distress. I will continue to remind myself it took many years to get this full. It will take time and patience to clear it out. 

Keep hanging on. Keep hanging in. Keep letting go. Keep trying until I can’t. 

12.8.24

Piling On

It Keeps Piling On

 It’s been a couple days since I’ve been here. It’s been a full week of “stuff”. One of those things is I may be losing my access to therapy in a few short weeks, at the end of this month. Insurance issues. I see the irony in my questioning it earlier. I don’t really believe in manifesting but there must some reason, some lesson. I’m worried and of course scared but it’s out of my control. I can only hope for the best at this point. I will deal with whatever comes…..no other choice really. 

I hate money but we must have it to live. 

Maybe one day I will have a smooth path. Until then, I’ll just keep driving over the bumps in the road until they turn in to a sink hole and consume me.

Thoughts on this early Saturday morning. More later. 

12.7.24

Trying

 

It is really fucking hard! I’m trying.

12.5.24

Suicide

Until I Depart

 I’m not afraid of sharing my thoughts of suicide. It’s when I quit talking about it we should all worry. I would guess most people with depression think about hurting or killing their self. It’s a horrible place to be stuck that darkness and hopelessness of depression. And let’s face it, suicide does guarantee to end the pain. 

I’m not advocating for but it is the truth. That’s the attraction of it. It’s actually trying to help by keeping me from feeling that horrible grief and pain and shame. It’s one of the vicious circles and cycles of depression. I’m always cognitively aware but often that doesn’t make one bit of difference. 

I get so tired but giving up? I’ve been close but I haven’t made it there yet. I always keep my options open. Options. A really good word for me. I enjoy having options so I am constantly searching and creating them. This is one on that final path and if it appears alone it is The Finale! I’m not there but I get it. It’s less scary to me now in some ways but more scary in others. 

Yes, I have a plan. Why hide it. When I'm ready, it’s going to be a helluva ride out! I’m not a gun person and I won’t inflict more pain on myself. Pharmaceuticals all the way to oblivion. A final countdown party to take me away. 

Until then, I’m going to just keep writing, keep talking…….

12.5.24

Finding Some Light

What Lights Me Up 

 If only I had an answer to that it certainly would be a great starting point. Problem is I have been asking myself that question for a few years now, none more than this past year that I have been “retired”. I definitely wasn’t it prepared to be where I am. 

I used to have many hobbies that I loved and enjoyed. My passion was obvious. But that’s all gone from me now, drained in the abyss of depression. I have many thousands invested in my photography stuff. I haven’t touched my camera in 3 plus years. I have an entire workshop of jewelry making and crystals and again I have not really touched any of it for 3 years. All the different crafts, baking, candy making- no longer gives me pleasure. But what does?

My million dollar question. I have no idea where to look for an answer. I miss creating but not sure what I can create that will even ignite a spark. I started drawing Neurographica, taking classes to learn the process. While I do find this fascinating, I realize I don’t do it for pleasure. I do it for flow and processing, to work out issues for my mental health. I have been learning to use Procreate, a digital creation platform for iPad but it hasn’t kept me hooked. What trips me up? Not going to lie….people. People change my direction in many ways. I allow it. No excuses.

So what lights me up? Where is my passion? Unknown. Lost like me. I’m not looking to find my old self, but how do I create a new self when i don’t see anything I want to put in. The hopelessness found in the dark extinguishes even a pilot light. 

Last month in my journal I made this entry:

I like writing. 

I starred and circled it as I realized that was the first time I had written I Like ________

It struck me large.

But now what?

I write most every day. I haven’t lost that as it’s much needed a way to let things out, to get things out. Just now sure how to take that and utilize it.

I like _________

Short list. I can’t think of any additions today. I guess I’ll just keep writing.

Sometimes I think I should just live on an island, truly isolated. At least there wouldn’t be any more people adding to this slow torturous empty life I’m currently living. Life without feeling and simply existing day to day is my path to death. 

I’m losing. Is it time? 

12.3.24

Therapy Struggles

The Roller Coaster Called Therapy

I’m having my several times a year thoughts of quitting therapy. Some of me knows I truly need to go and other parts say fuck it what’s the point. So the internal battle rages, a debate over what’s best, what’s right for us, and what we actually want, what is truly helping

I’m quite aware of my pattern of avoidance; finding it easier to just quit and walk away. It keeps the peace and of course affords me the ability to ignore and not have to deal with whatever it is. This is no different, wanting to give up. It’s hard. I get frustrated at the convoluted path of so called healing. I’m not sure I have found much yet and that is what frustrates me. How am I suppose to measure my own progress? Without feedback all I have to go on is my thoughts and feelings but I know those flat out lie to me. Am I truly chasing external validation? I thought it was called support. Confusing. 

I don’t know what I need. I don’t know what I want. I certainly don’t know what to ask for. If I had all my answers I wouldn’t be asking for help, I wouldn’t be paying for therapy. I wouldn’t be seeking and searching for relief where ever I can find it. For knowledge, for a spark, for any glimmer that provides hope, however small. A guiding beacon. I feel like such a loser, even a failure in therapy. 

It’s hard to know what helps. It’s hard to see if anything is helping when you feel you have no way to measure any progress. I get this isn’t a linear process but I still need to hear or see, better yet feel, that something is happening to help me move forward. Awareness is one thing but processing is another step that I feel I rarely get to. 

Right now I’m just feeling lost, overwhelmed, and frustrated, tired, confused- an entire dictionary of adjectives could be written here. I promised I would not make decisions in the midst of a low depressive time. So, I will just allow the thoughts to swirl and work towards not allowing them to consume me today. Self medicating. 

Three places I need to go do reading. Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle and Carolyn Springs pages, and the Depression School. Funny thing about that last one. I found them during my first year in therapy and it’s been an up and down school of thought for me regarding the program. But I must say, this past week their daily emails started back up and I’m grateful for the messages and reminders and can go read articles there too. Navigating this alone. 

Solo. Lost and unguided. Seeking answers. Anyone have any for me? 

I’m not deciding anything today but I know I need to figure it out this month. 

Shoveling through the shit on this Tuesday morning.

12.3.24

Therapy Memes

 Early morning things that made me crack a smile.

12.2.24

Body Brain Battles

My Body My Brain WTF

 Is my brain so busy because I’m constantly filling it up? Or because I have so much to let out? 

My health. Ugh. Hard topic for me currently. Cancer free. Yes. Problem free. I wish. The frustration lies in the fact that I have no answers from Western medicine. I spent 30 of my own years in the profession and so far no one has been able to help. Typical bandaids. THEY DON’T ALWAYS WORK. That’s what’s hard for me. 

I just recently went through possibly the worst episode I have ever had since this started 3 years ago. Four days of pure pain and suffering, stopping and then starting again for another two days. I think most people would’ve gone to the hospital but I don’t get anything but a much lighter wallet there. So I suffer. Alone. The conundrum.

Can I keep doing this alone? Why would I want to? How can I be able to be OK with those days? I never know when it’s coming or how severe it will be. There’s no relief while I’m going through it. I can’t eat or drink. It’s like being tortured. What do I do about this? Immediately after these episodes I certainly have a grand case for the final countdown. I fight past this for now but at what point will it be too much? Standing and taking it is a learned behavior that’s not always helpful, and continuing to keep taking this is almost a form of self torture. 

I have zero clue where to even go for ideas let alone answers. My grandpa used to say to me all the time, life is hard without your health. Take care of yourself. He was never wrong. I get it in a big way. 

Then I add in my struggles with depression and what it puts me through and it makes me pause to wonder sarcastically Why am I so fucking lucky to have this all going on? Beyond frustrating; maddening really. Where do I find hope? How do I find it amongst the many battles my body and brain are fighting? What is it all about? I search hard for messages that make sense. Nothing. 

Having physical and mental challenges simultaneously adds whole new layers to both. Managing or wanting to is getting tricky.

Fucked up broken brain fucked up broken body. My special pair. 

 Early morning thoughts on this first day of December 

12.1.24

Parts Parts Parts

         

 Parts Parts Parts

Every part is different. 

I haven’t really spoken about parts here much. Yes I do work with my “parts”. Parts works seems to be a new buzz word this past year kind of like mindfulness was for a bit. Neither are new concepts. 

I found parts works not quite 3 years ago. I’ve read 23 books about IFS/Parts Work, been to many workshops, drop in groups, paid groups, numerous websites and Facebook groups, all in the name of learning about my parts. For me, finding IFS was like discovering my missing language. It has given me the ability to communicate with others what is going on inside my system and they can actually understand! 

It also has made a change in my system which is hard to describe but I’ll try. I used to live my life compartmentalizing all facets of it. Everything was pretty separate. With IFS/Parts work, those compartments have now become apartments, with windows and doors. And now my parts can see, and know each other, can come and go, no longer in isolation of their compartment, waiting for me to let them out.

I do this mostly on my own as my therapist is not trained in this modality but we manage. That’s why I go to groups and drop-ins and workshops; to check in with a trained person. It’s a pretty interesting way to interact and get to know yourself. 

Have I mentioned that my therapist is on maternity leave again? Yep baby number 2 while I’m still with her. Harder even this time because of how the strength of our relationship evolved. But I wasn’t going to make the same mistake this time and go it alone. That wasn’t so great for me. Thankfully, I have someone to help me through this time. I’m very happy to have her.

One thing I have been thinking about since she’s been gone is something she has said to me on several occasions. She wonders if she is holding me back, would I be better served with someone who knows parts work or other modalities she isn’t trained in. I tell her the same thing every time. Of course I can find someone who does parts work/IFS, but I can’t replicate our relationship that we have been building the last 3 years. I am usually very considerate and thoughtful of others but I haven’t considered am I forcing her to learn this because it’s something I want? Is that the right thing to do for either of us? I am still pretty passionate about it and utilize it constantly in my daily talk about parts. The concepts are understood. She always puts what I need first…always. That is something I can’t deny as she has shown me over and over. Unintentionally I know I’ve done things that others would be offended by but she never is (or she doesn’t tell me she is). I think she knows me and hopefully understands my intentions and is always supportive. So.. Why am I chasing other things…why isn’t what we’re doing, what she offers enough? I never thought of it this way. My thoughts are just finding things to help myself. I am so used to having to do everything for myself, that hyper independence, I just do it everywhere in my life, even when I am paying a professional for help. Like helping the landscaper do the yard- that’s so me! I also love to learn and IFS is fun to learn! Lastly, one hour therapy session a week is slow going when you have 60 years of uncovering to do. Of course I’m going to work on my own. It’s never personal against another. I am very appreciative of peoples help, my therapists especially. 

 I don’t know what the right thing is here but I do still strongly believe in our relationship over anything else and pretty sure most therapists do too. Things to ponder and work through while she is gone. Trailheads as they call it in IFS. It can sometimes be clearer when you’re not in the middle of it. 

I had another thought after I went away for a few minutes….IFS is something you can do a lot on your own. Certainly fits my narrative. OMG SMH 🤦🏻‍♀️. Do I gravitate to these things so I don’t need others or because I’m afraid of losing what I have or both? Probably. Yep. 

Parts, parts, parts. Busy day today. LOL <<< at least there’s that 🙂

The roller coaster of life with Lola

Last day of November and New Moon. Explains my busy brain….out with the old, in with the new. Hope it starts working…..get that New Moon broom out! 

Still alone with my thoughts

I might be a crazy cat lady but my cats don’t think I’m crazy 

I think I’m done being here for today.

Maybe not. 

Options. 

11.30.24

Hello?

Is There Anyone in There…Just smile if you can hear me

 Where are you Self? Especially Self Compassion. I still haven’t found it enough to recognize it often. As I continue peeling back the layers, uncovering and remembering all is part of the process but not sure I was ready to hold all these things by myself. That’s why they’ve been hidden for so long. Avoidance and distraction are running the show a lot. I need to feel safe. Trying to resource that safety for myself is challenging. Yes, I know I have already went thru all of it. That doesn’t make it easier when it’s never been processed or dealt with. Trauma is not what I went thru. It’s what is leftover. Imagine it being left over, hidden, and untouched for the most part for 60 plus years. 

Resources. Where do I find more? Of the 168 hours in this upcoming week, I will have 2 whole hours for conversation within my therapy and some text messages during my hockey games. Everything else and everyone else is now gone for various reasons. If you’ve been reading you know I struggle wanting connection as people equal pain. I still try. I talk with myself often but don’t have all my own answers. I wake up in the middle of the night in full conversation with myself. I need input and guidance from others. I don’t seem to find much right now. My choices in others aren't the best. It’s why no one is left here with me. When givers quit giving, the takers move on.  

Why do I keep coming here, to this page. It’s familiar. Lots on my mind. Safe space to brain dump. If I’m here writing I’m not doing other things. Lost. Searching. Hoping? Didn’t have that yesterday. Hmmm. 

11.30.24

People Suck

Totally my experience with people. 

I only really ever have myself. 

I know it’s not enough. 

It’s all I’ve got. 

Still trying.

Sadly here in the US it appears that rudeness and not caring is what people really want. Hate seems to be OK and now normalized. Just more reasons for my people equal pain stays a fact in my system.  

 

This kind of sums up the attitude I see and experience right now. And you know what, it really makes me want to care even more. I want to care more about others but don’t care much about myself? My thoughts make no sense at times but it’s what it says. Conditioning? I just don’t want to be part of the hate, to fuel the anger. I carry so much of it inside me, against me. How will I survive if it’s outside and all around too. Where do I go to find some kindness and joy? I have no answers. Do you? 

11.30.24

Go Buckeyes

 

Hope needed

 Please continue to hold hope for me. I can’t find any right now but I’m counting on you to still be out there holding on so I don’t let go. I’m not ready yet.

My Black Friday

11.29.24 

Survival

 Survival. I believe we all have that innate sense of survival built in, but I have to ask at what cost? Should we just continue on no matter what? Finding shit behind every door. What if you woke up one day and realized you have lived your entire life in survival mode? This is me. I did everything the absolutely fucking hard way. Yes, I have survived to this day, but I have effectively eliminated all people from my life. 

Now I find myself here, alone. Just like I planned it. Reality.  Not going to lie…it suck’s big time. I don’t know how to find my way to a different path. I’m doubtful there is one. It makes it hard because I do know that I can’t do this alone, yet it’s all I have. Current state of my health…poor. Mental and physical both still a struggle with zero answers in hand. 

The survivor in me is still strong but oh so tired. And some days oh so sad. I know it’s a mistake but how do I change after all these years. The fights and struggles and challenges just keep hammering me so hard, trying their best to defeat me. While I thought I was winning, I realize now that all I have been doing is deceiving myself, losing my actual Self in the name of the battle. Going in circles, finding myself in same place and spaces in my mind and my body. Blinded by my own self; like a prison. I can find no doors that swing either way. Will I ever find a door? Will anyone knock? Will I hear? Will I open it? Fuck off. 

How much longer will I keep up the facade, trying to fool myself long enough to justify not caring. I know that might be being a little hard on myself but no one else lives in this body of mine, this brain of mine. I get I need to help myself. I try so hard. But I feel like I’m losing. I rarely find answers and I seem to just go in circles, stuck in the tortuous cycles of depression. I reach out but…So lost and alone. What do I do? Where do I go? If I don’t care how can I expect anyone else to? Am I even asking the right questions? 

We heal in connection. So fucking sick of hearing that. I have never found this to be true for me. EVER. People equal pain. Love hurts. People suck. Why would I want them close? To give them another opportunity to crush me? Every single person in my life has hurt me. Most by using my words against me. Is it any wonder that I find myself alone? Is there any question why I don’t want to share myself with others? And zero question why love is hard for me. I am not surprised. Survival. I wrote about choosing to be alone in this blog early on. I never mind being alone. Lonely is a different story that I don’t see how to solve.

The two constants I hear about healing from those supposedly in the know: 

You must love yourself

You heal in connection.

I don’t stand a chance.

Can anyone still help me?

Survival. Hard. Ugly. Test. Struggle. Challenge. Extra. Let me out. 

I don’t want to do it anymore. At least not the hard way. It’s the only way I know. I still love to learn. Need a teacher. Is anyone out there? Please. I can’t hear you. 

11.29.24

Darkness All Around

 

How do I do this when I only find the dark. No light. No joy. Kindness and compassion are long lost, no longer my friends. Uncomfortable in my own skin. Peeling back the layers I have found so much, opening the past and stirring some deeply held shame and pain. So blocked and resistant. Are we so afraid of something good? The truth is I’m not sure I know how that feels…..good.

Harshland has been our reality for so long. It’s hard to recognize and be aware of how the name fits. Internal conversations rated R or worse. Another place I thought I had improved but I was fooling myself. Discouraged and somewhat disillusioned currently with the whole awareness thing. I am super fucking aware of so many things…WHAT NOW? Nothing seems to change. I guess I’m not processing all that I am aware of. Because I don’t know how…..I don’t have all my fucking answers. Where might I find them? Feeling so lost. 

Safety is elusive. Most has been altered or lost. Truly challenging to restore by myself or even my Self. Still trying. Looking for safety amongst the familiar has me here again. Alone with my thoughts.

I still hate myself 

11.26.24

After writing this, I came across this from Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle on FB. Love this guy for all his shares on trauma and addiction. Thankful for his thoughts tonight. So relatable. You can tell he lives it. 

We don’t need to be perfect. 

But we do need to show up for ourselves. 

We need to be on our side. 

We need to have our own back. 

That’s easier said than done, when we’ve been conditioned by complex trauma to hate and distrust ourselves. 

It feels like a risk. 

Being on our own side can feel “selfish.” Or “narcissistic.” Or “fake.” 

We can’t let that stop us. 

If we’ve been conditioned to sh*t on ourselves or shame ourselves or abandon ourselves under stress, NOT doing that is going to feel dangerous. 

It’s going to feel disingenuous. 

As it turns out: showing up for ourselves can be very emotionally complex. 

Trauma Brain is going to tell us it’s “stupid.” 

It’s going to tell us we’re “unworthy.” 

It’s going to tell us we “deserve” to be abused or abandoned— after all, that’s probably why the people who were supposed to support and love us didn’t, right? Right? 

Wrong, actually. 

That’s BS— Belief Systems— being pushed by our trauma conditioning. No more; no less. 

But it feels very real. I know. 

Show up for yourself. 

Refuse to attack or abandon yourself. 

Resist the pressure. It’s gonna feel like an itch— that’s how conditioning works— but don’t scratch it. 

�That self-hate and self-distrust is a symptom. And we don’t shame ourselves for symptoms. 

What do we meet symptoms with? Say it with me: radical compassion and infinite patience. 

You can do this. I don’t care how old you are or how late in the game it feels. 

You can do this. 

Today can be another day— or Day One. 

Start today. 

Have your own back— no matter what.

Comfort in The Dark

Comfort in the Dark

 Something feels different this time. The dark and empty seem to be welcoming me and I’m not resistant. It makes me wonder. Am I giving up. Letting go. Acceptance that nothing I’m doing leads me to any other place but here. Is this really all there is for me? My Soul Survivor is distant and oh so silent. Hopelessness is powered by the nothingness of existence only. 

 Endless wandering; 

still no one is ever really there. 

Nothing stops the pain and 

we still don’t care. 

11.26.24

Struggling with Giving Up

How do I keep going? It’s getting increasingly difficult for me to see anything that’s even slightly hopeful ahead. I cultivated most of this hell I find myself in. A life of being by myself, alone and one that I do understand is not sustainable. But at this point I don’t see any way out. 

I’ve dug a huge hole for myself and I don’t see a way out. While I may be able to experience some back fill, the reality is not looking good for escape. Everyday I am reminded of how much I have failed myself but I’m too numb to care much anymore. Hopelessness is what brings on the darkness. Any yes I do believe I find comfort there now. No one will see me there. I don't think anyone looks. 

Tired.

11.24.24

Stuck

 So discouraged and disillusioned today. It feels like I never get anywhere. Stuck in the muck, Going in circles, with clouds clinging. I keep coming back to the same places and spaces. Ugh. What’s the fucking point anyway??? Scream…….. No comfort in our own skin

Is this what there is for me? Up and down and all around and unknown day to day. what will we say, what will we do- who knew? I just don’t know why I keep trying so hard. Survival I suppose. But at what point do you just quit? Am I on autopilot and just deluding myself? Hope is often so hard for me to find. Perhaps that’s the delusion. What is real?

So far away today. 

In to the dark. Is that my comfort zone? 

Still alone

11.23.24

My Friend Depression

 Depression. Fucking depression. It’s hard to find words when you’re stuck in the shit. I want to feel but it’s too much and then I run, as far away as I can, sometimes right out of my mind. But I can never get far enough away and it eventually all comes right back. To start over.

It’s 1 PM and my next stop is back to bed. Not common for me at this hour. It’s such a strong pull today and I’m not sure why. Puzzled. But I am going to honor it. I am still wondering if this brain of mine is deceiving me in some way. Or maybe it will help.

You think things are level and managing and then BOOM…..I wish I had an answer for why I keep finding myself here. At least today I’m not in the basement or too close to the edge. Still trying to find good in it all. 

Don’t trust my Self or myself. Jumbled thoughts. Over loaded. No resolution. Need a glimmer. I’ll even take a spark. Small things can loom large.

Alone with my thoughts 

11.22.24

Coming Back to Find a Way Out

 I have not been here for more than a year but today I have no other place to go. So here I am.  Sad when it’s the only place you have to go and you know no one is here. No this isn’t a pity party, it’s a reality check. I’m feeling overwhelmed by I don’t get it. Still in a foggy dark cloud. WTF is the matter with people? 

I’ve written so much about how painful people are for me. And so it continues. Misfit. I never have fit anywhere. Almost, but then it seems some quirk or some trauma response comes out and I’m the problem. I hold boundaries and advocate for myself and then I’m the problem. It hurts to be told you’re always welcome, you’re family,  and then POOF 💨 you’re not, because you’re the problem. Discouraging to keep trying to make connections and then they go away or are taken away. People suck. Why do I fight so hard, try so hard. Fuck relationships. 

Feeling lonely for the first time in awhile. I usually don’t mind being alone but it’s different right now. Low on options. That’s an understatement- trying to fool myself. 

VOID. Truth

11.13.24

Update 11.21.24

Funny thing happened….not actually first choice wanted but certainly call when they need. And I still respond; unsure if it was a good thing yet.