Recovering

Recovering

 My capacity is to function vey well is still pretty low. I will take my time to figure out what will help me. Not only to move forward but to protect myself from too much more let down. Being blind sided never feels good when I truly realize the full impact of it all. Abandonment hurts. Period. 

As much as I hate the words resilience and strength, I know them well and hope they will serve me appropriately at this time. I know Castle has awakened and the doors are again tightly sealed trying desperately to keep us from sinking back into to deep dark hole of secrets, where guilt and shame rule. 

Spent the last few days trying our best avoidance but I can only ignore myself for so long as it’s hard to escape your Self. Some days are diamonds, some days are gold. One is hard and sharp and the other is cold. 

My physical health still needs time to even get back to more stability. Hydration is almost caught up and hoping nutrition falls into place next. So draining on my body, my mind, my soul. 

For now we will use everything our system has to get us to the next. Soul Survivor is very strong. Still lots of options to consider. 

I’m down trying to recover enough to get up. Keep kicking me if you need. Maybe it’s the only way I can feel. Sabotage. 

ISO Day 6. Alone. Hurting. Sad. Discouraged. Tired. Most of all tired today. 

Alone Again

Alone Again

Feeling so lost and shut down. Just another experience to add to my list of why people suck. Left alone, during a time that is super challenging but who cares right? Why would I have actual help?  I don’t matter if I don’t have money. I’m not in that tax bracket so I’m not deserving. As hard as anyone might argue it’s just the ugly truth. Someone like me really has no chance of healing with these rules.  

I am beginning to think that therapy might be just as big of a scam as most everything else that has to do with people in my life. How do you just let someone go like that? Do you really care? $$$ I’m dumb founded as how this is ethical? Not even an offer to continue to see me for a cash price. Just see ya- goodbye. Not even a hint at how to deal with my situation. An offer for a referral covered you I suppose but we all knew that would not work for my situation. You gave me the wrong information. I was given no other resources, even knowing I have zero. I just went thru another 3 days of illness and am struggling with that added layer but you still just left me alone like an old dog left in the desert to fend for themselves. Confounding and FUCKED UP by all involved. The more I think about this, the more fucked it is. How do you do this to me? How does this help me? I’m blaming myself here and this isn’t all on me. 

No one will notice me here alone with all my crap overflowing, not in the least little bit. Truth is when you don’t matter you just don’t matter. A little blip of dirt, thrown aside by the street sweeper and not found again. I’ve not screamed and cried and stirred up enough crap to be noticed. I simply show up and work hard. I am just looking for help. Not to stir shit up. Just not enough energy left. 

No pity party. Just facts of my current reality.  No one cares enough to come pick me up or show up for me. If I don’t care, I won’t expect anyone else to care either. T-R-U-T-H. 

Fuck it. Here’s to Helga keeping me from going any way at all. The store is plenty stocked up for our disassociating pleasure. Enjoy the ride baby enjoy the ride! 

Trying hard to keep my promise and wait. To survive the next few weeks to see if we have found a way in for me to find my way out. 

I’m just dying a little bit more every day. Worthless. Lola. Cinder. Denise. Vanessa. Lydia. Sloven. Ugh-A-Lug. Quazar. The Squad in Full Force commandeered Faddy the red Caddy. Joy ride. If you know you know. 

How will connection ever heal me when all it does is fuck with me? Go ahead somebody anybody. Kick me again while I’m down. Pile on. Is it good for you? 

I hope you’re still holding hope for me. I need it more than ever right now. You are the only one that has been there for me consistently. I have to believe you will show up again. I have one chance with what we found and I’m hoping it’s still viable. 

ISO (isolation)day 4. Disappointed. Discouraged. Defeated. Disbelief. Shut down. Sad. The things people do really suck. You won’t convince me any different

Sing it to me Gilbert https://youtu.be/vXL7y6km0a8?si=v2gImjdBMdU_qvDW

1.3.25

2025 Has Arrived

2025 

The last fireworks I remember hearing was around 1:30AM. The music was still pounding but not close enough by to bother us any longer. Three of my cats finally felt safe enough to fall asleep with me on the bed purring. 

I read lots of posts in groups about having a word of the year. It’s not something I’ve really ever done as to me, resolutions and even intentions can put pressure on and that is usually not helpful for my system. 

One thing I have been working so hard on is awareness of myself and my Self. I can’t say I always appreciate having so much awareness as I haven’t processed enough yet but it’s been a whirling mass of thoughts going on the last few days with two words standing out for me. So I thought why not put them out there for myself. Try something different to start this year. 

Word number one is safety. As I watch my precious kitties struggle to feel safe last night because of the noise, I reflected on how unsafe I feel everyday in so many ways. How I often feel so uncomfortable in my own skin, mostly because I’ve been cut off so long from my feelings that I’m afraid to feel them. Afraid they will overwhelm me but also afraid maybe I’ll never feel them again. I’m holding so much and it gets heavy, very heavy. 

Since realizing that so many things people try force on you just causes me distress, I’ve been able to at least be aware and continue to learn about my own system and triggers.The gold standard for most therapists is meditation and breathing but both of those also can cause trauma responses to come flowing out like they do in me.

 I just laugh now when someone tells me they are trauma informed yet they push me to do breathing and meditation. For now all I will say is pay attention to your responses. If it doesn’t feel right, it isn’t right for you. There is a reason your body or brain is shutting down or off. Listen! For years I thought I was doing something wrong yet what I was really doing was listening to my system object to what was being forced upon me. Now I’m finding more ways to feel safe and at ease. Slow and easy. Listen. Softer. More isn’t always better. 

Many things to say on the topic of trauma and the approaches taken in therapy but on a different day.

You can’t heal what you don’t reveal. I read this somewhere and it has just stuck with. Such a simple but profound thought. It also brings me to #2. 

Word number two is secrets. When I started thinking about the word secrets a bit ago, I had a very strong energetic reaction in my body. A signal, a release of some sort. That’s something that grabs my attention as it’s not my normal and I strive to find those connections for my mind/body and body/mind. 

Secrets have had such a huge impact on my life and they continue today. We had lots of secrets in my family. What really went on inside was not what it appeared as on the outside to others. I  never told any of our secrets. The main reason is simply that no one believed me. My mother was a pillar of the small town society. Church going do-gooder. The biggest bunch of bullshit I ever heard. 

Keeping things a secret is still so ingrained in me. Until recently I kept telling myself that I’m just a private person. I never share much. I don’t allow myself to be vulnerable and let people in. I see many reasons that make sense from my childhood. Secrets live in shame. 

Never getting any real validation of your self worth, mixed signals or just being berated daily by the adults that are supposed to love and care for you; to teach you about life, didn’t give me any sense of me being someone anyone would even care to know about. I always feel like I’m doing something wrong, that I’m just wrong. Never good enough. 

So the secrets just kept being held. In the name of privacy. Still to this day I keep so many secrets. If I’m going to lighten my load I need to allow myself to release. I need to just be me and let some of this shit out. Tell on myself. Out myself. Share myself. I don’t have any friends or others right now so what do I have to lose by being out with my authentic self? Even as fucked up as a mind space I’ve have been in recently, this still seems like a good thing to start with this new year. I already have a list of “my secret stuff”. You know, all the stuff I write in my other journals! Ha.

 New Year. No pressure. That’s not what my words are for- to add any kind of pressure to myself. They have just stood out so we are being aware. Learning. 

Small steps still get me there. Just like small breaths still keep me alive. I’ve just got to be me. 

Finding safety. Releasing secrets. Things I’ll be working on. No pressure for success as I am going to think that by just writing this, today has been successful. Small glimmers through the clouds. 

It’s a New Year. I don’t know what will happen but here I am. 

ISO day 3. Brain in overdrive 🧠. Not a bad thing   

1.1.25

Endings NYE Part 2

Endings NYE Part 2 

It’s been a day full of reflection and ideas. The darkness has finally arrived and with it brings fireworks. I’ve got the TV and music going along with diffusing some essential oils to do what I can to help calm my furry kids. (Yes it’s pet safe oil of course!) For most of them the noise is terrifying and they all are hiding in various spots, shaking. I will end my year just being cat mom and hanging with my cats as they did for me during my episode last week. Everything else can rest. 

I will also be thinking of all the animals outside that will be scared and get lost tonight. Sending my cat mom energy and hoping they all stay safe and make it back home where ever that may be. Especially my yard ferals…they all have their safe places but of course I’ll still worry. That’s what cat moms do! 

Be well. Be kind.

Goodbye 2024. You didn’t defeat me…

12.31.24

Endings NYE Part 1

Endings

 New Years Eve. Last day of the year. Can’t say I’m sad to see 2024 end. Yesterday my therapy ended. I’m still having a difficult time wrapping my head around how I got here. We spent time making sure this wouldn’t be happening while she’s on maternity leave. The reality is I’m officially alone until she comes back. I know she won’t be happy to hear this has happened. 

I simply can’t understand how someone could fuck with me in this space of mental health. It’s so messed up. I really need the support I get from therapy, right now more than ever. I’m struggling and this is a hard time to lose access. I’m sad and also very mad about being treated like this. The hardest part for me is this had nothing to do with the therapist. I know we both are upset. Reality. Acceptance. No other real options. 

Even though I recognize these thoughts are not necessarily true, I am going through an entire spectrum from feeling dumped and abandoned, to everyone in my life leaves me, all the way to broken, unhealable and worthless so what’s the point. My family system can be so cruel to me. The Squad in full effect. It’s hard to fight with them all right now in my current weakened state.

I have considered being in therapy as much needed self care the last few years. Now I don’t know. I might be done. I don’t want to continue being hurt in these spaces I visit for help. That seems to be a theme lately, hurting more than helping. This includes groups, workshops, and all the other places I have been going for support. Lots to think about. I always try to keep my promise to myself about not making permanent decisions when I’m in such a fucked up head space or under the influence. Just one of many harm reduction things I have in place for myself. This will be no different. I have no deadline, no time limit. 

I’m still very depleted physically and today spent mentally as I think of going forward on my own. Rest. Nutrition. Hydration. Can I count that as 3 self care items? I’m going to give myself some much needed credit as I continue to replenish. I think I can manage a shower today. 

It’s daunting for me right now as I think of what’s ahead. It will be a most difficult challenge to hold myself up, to care enough, to just manage every moment upcoming. I will need to use every available tool, method, substance, resource, or whatever I’ve learned if I’m going to have a chance for myself. I’m not very confident but this hasn’t been the best week for building much up in myself. 

Isolation begins. What will it mean? A beginning, an end, or just a waste. More struggles and hardship. I have no answers. Just many thoughts. So many thoughts. I’ll try to keep sharing. 

Sitting with it all in the early morning on this last day of 2024.

12.31.24

Another Espisode Hanging On

Hanging by a Thread

 Christmas came and went. The next 3 days were filled with another episode of non stop nausea and vomiting. That’s two bad ones within 6 weeks. I cannot live like this. It’s no life. Things already suck for me and now add in this crap being back. It’s beyond my capacity to even want to survive it.

Let me describe these episodes as I have never felt anyone believes me in just how bad it is. I have other symptoms of autonomic disorder but I can deal with those however, the nausea and vomiting is not how I want to live. It’s random. When it comes, it is acute and it essentially makes me incapacitated. It starts with almost projectile vomiting. I throw up every 10-20 minutes. I have those blue vomit bags from Amazon all over my house and in my car. After the first couple hours my esophagus is burning from all the stomach acid and bile, my ribs hurt from wrenching, and my stomach is also very painful. This can go on for days. I cannot get out of bed easily, often crawling to the bathroom and back. Low BP I’m guessing. I cannot clean up after myself if needed. I can’t change my clothes, take a shower, brush my hair or my teeth. I can only imagine what the stomach acid is doing to my teeth. I cannot eat or drink anything. The thirst from dehydration just adds on to the nausea as it intensifies it. How can I continue to care for myself during these times. It’s like self torture. There is nothing I can do to make it stop but ride it out. I cry and moan a lot but there is no one to hear me. My cats worry. I try to find space between all that’s happening, the vomiting and nausea. I have just learned to take this too because what other choice do I have. Luckily I’m not a gun person. My choice of overdose is not possible during these episodes. It’s not related to food or GI issues as far as triggers as I have tracked everything about all happenings on the days these start. No one found any common thread. I’m certain stress isn’t helpful but it’s not the cause. The other thing is the vomiting will wake me from a dead sleep. 

No answers from Western medicine. I’m just classified in a category that encompasses much. Dysautonomia. Autonomic Nervous System Dysfunctions. Everyone has different symptoms. They have just left me dealing alone with all the pain and suffering. No one seems to give a shit about my health issues because they just keep passing me around, offering drugs as bandaids but no real cures, no real answers. No drug has been able to stop the nausea and vomiting. Cardiologist, Gastroenterologist, endocrinologist, oncologist, neurologist, PCP, general surgeon. They all took my thousands for testing that provided me zero answers. 

Everything that I have put myself thru the last 3 years and I still have all this. It’s so very discouraging. Today I see so little progress. I truly am hanging by a thread. I fear it will break soon as I have no ideas what I can do next, where to go, or who can or will help me. It all just keeps piling on.

Tomorrow is my last day to have access to therapy. It couldn’t come at a worse time but I don’t have any other options at this point. The plan wasn’t to be alone at the end of the year but why be surprised as that’s my norm. It’s just reality. Deal with it. Sure. WTF. Build more resilience. One of my favorite words…fuck no. 

Resilience doesn’t keep me above ground. Does it matter anymore? Can I care enough? 

Trying to recover my physical today. Dehydration is severe. Nutrition is absent. It’s not possible physically for me to shower yet today. Feeling lost and numb and sad and scared and angry. Lots of BiGs…

You tell me- could you live like this? If this isn’t close to hell I’m not sure what is. 

My most risky time. 

 Alone. Empty. 

12.29.24

Are You an Empath

 Are You an Empath?

Empath. It’s one of those buzz words out there like mindfulness. Do people really understand what that is? When I hear someone claim they’re an empath I run as far as I can get. I finally figured why.

Awhile back I read Martha Sweezy’s book IFS for Shame and Guilt. There was a paragraph early in the book the really stood out for me. She was talking about empathy vs compassion. A small study was done with people in a MRI scanner. They scanned the brain while giving and receiving empathy and then also compassion. What they found was empathy created pain pathways, where as compassion created reward pathways. This made so much sense to me.

A prime example for me happened in a group I was in and I see exactly why I hate sharing in groups. Why I disagree that you must have connection to heal. I was sharing something personal about my health which I rarely do. One of the group members got upset to the point they were crying. When asked they responded they felt bad for me being alone for the holidays and struggling on my own with no real help. This upset me and is exactly why I don’t like to share in a group. I do not want to be responsible for others getting upset like that. I do not want to share my pain with you, the empath because what you do is make it painful for me. I’m sure my pain pathways were lit up like New York at Christmas. Common humanity my ass. This reaction of empathy comes across for me as selfish and narcissistic because I had to stop sharing to calm and comfort this other person. That was the end of my sharing which left me with no feedback other than the upset crying person. And now I won’t share again in that group . PS: No one felt bad enough to email or text to check in. 

Being an empath is not a badge anyone should be proud of. The only person it really serves is you. It’s not about the other person. True narcissist will never get compassion but I don’t think all who claim empathy are narcissists. People would be better served if more people understood compassion. It’s so much different and it’s what’s needed most for people who are truly hurting. 

Searching for compassion. I have none for myself and not sure where to get some from others right now.  Fuck empathy.

12.26.24

PS: I wanted to update and add to this post. I have recently noticed that empathy is what’s talked about in psychology classes. They encourage student therapist to learn empathy. I read an article about how to be a better therapist. Step 3 was learn empathy so you can connect with your clients. Wow. I hope Kristen Neff and Chris Germer can change peoples minds about how much damage empathy can do and how much better compassion is. Please start teaching compassion to those therapists. Clients will reap the benefits

12.29.24

Not If…When

Not If….When

 I am in such a fucked up place in my mind. I’m miserable as hell. I don’t enjoy life. I’m angry and grumpy and I hate most every person I encounter. I go to bed many nights hoping I don’t wake up. I don’t see anything I can change to make it better and so it just keeps piling on.

I have no doubt I will die by suicide at some point. I just feel this so strongly right now. I can’t do all I need alone but I dont have anything or anyone else. There is just too much for me to overcome. It’s pretty daunting to think of it all. Of course I try all the things I know to make it easier- breaking it down into smaller thoughts to not overwhelm. But lying to myself or trying to fool myself isn’t very effective. 

What would make it better. Even 0.1% better would be a start but I can think of nothing that would make me happy. I find zero joy in living. My daily life is just a reminder of the shit hole I have created for myself. I don’t find myself deserving of anything nice or pleasurable. My mental health is suffering and my physical health issues just add another layer. I feel rotten and fucked up at my very core- irreparable by myself. Unfixable. Unforgivable. Unloveable. 

Just living to exist doesn’t really make sense to me. I should be grateful to struggle every fucking day. Why? It doesn’t really matter because if I don’t care what’s the point? I have no future. I won’t be missed. Some tell me that all I really have is the present. But bullshit. Most people see something in their future. I see nothing but darkness there. 

I have no family, no partner, no real friends. This is the life I cultivated and now I’m retired and I am having to live and deal with the shitty life situation I have created for myself. How much more can this one person take? I don’t have the answer but I feel like I’m being pushed to edge, to test my “resilience”. So messed up. Strong my ass. I’m tired. 

Stuck in this same space for a while now. Is this all there is for me? Three years in therapy and I don’t feel any better, if I’m being honest I feel worse. Therapy has uncovered so much more stuff. Awareness is one thing but not processing or finding solutions or making changes seems like spinning in a circle. It feels at this point I will never make it out of place. I’m so lost and I don’t what to do or where to go or who might help me. 

It’s one of those days I don’t feel like trying any longer.

12.26.24

Christmas Eve

 Christmas Eve 

Still trying. 

12.24.24

Messy

Oh So Messy….

  So many different things swirling in my head around my world. Holidaze for sure. No words coming out to write that make much sense right now because there’s just too much. I’m not sure anyone cares. 

PS: Helga didn’t get much rest. 

12.23.24

 

Familiarity

 I keep coming back here…..

Welcome to post #32 of 2024

I realized that I have posted more here the last 2 months than I have in all of 2022 and 2023. I keep thinking this is a familiar place. In some ways it is but in other ways I also feel the aloneness of being here.

I used to have some readers that followed me but I quit coming and writing here when it got too hard for me to cope. I do understand why everyone left when there’s no new content but that’s a theme in my life- bailing out. I had my therapist during those previous times and I don’t have her right now so I think that’s the difference. This is still my place, my blog, and I can share whatever I want here. I know it gets dark and heavy but that’s my life right now.

 I’ve not been real detailed because this was shared to some I knew. But so much has changed and I really have nothing to lose or fear by writing about any subject these days. I’ve been considering a few. Still hard for me to want to be vulnerable and share details of my reality. It’s hard to handle the unkindness of some. Baby steps.

At this point I am just looking for some support. Unknown where or when I’ll be able to find it but I will do my best to keep looking. I will hold out hope that maybe someone hears me and claps back in some way. Perhaps. 

Reality is I’m just deluding myself that someone will show up. It’s just not what happens for me. Hope is so hard for me to find on many days right now. Can I borrow some from you? 

At least I still have here to come to. Even if I’m all alone. Holding on as hard as I can. Am I losing my grip. Don’t know yet. Still don’t care. 

Feeling so lost today. The only question is will I let Helga rest. She’s went hard this week. 

12.21.24

Caring into Compassion

Caring = Compassion 

Sounds like such a simple concept- to care. I’ve got that caring part down but it’s who I don’t care about is the issue. I care about everyone else except me. How do I go about caring for myself? I find zero compassion when I think of myself, my Self. It’s blocked by my guards. Total silence. Total darkness. No access. I’ve sat for hours and still can’t see or hear or feel anything but the block. 

I worry how will I be able to truly continue in a healthy way if I can’t find some self compassion. I’m told it’s easy but to me that’s just another lie. There is nothing about it I find easy. I can’t seem to see any reason for deserving it. I have no real idea how to accomplish really caring about myself. I flounder in the darkness and cruelty that seems to now provide comfort.

 No one explains it so we can understand and I don’t know what to ask anymore. And now there will be no one left to ask for a while. So we all just stay, trapped in many ways, in Harshland. We stay and just suck it up and take it like we were taught to do.

 Worthless just keeps reminding me of our lack. She is loud and makes me tired. So many friends. So much power. Stop. Let me out. 

12.21.24

Holidaze

Holidaze

 Christmas is five days away. That’s hard to believe really. I’ve been mostly working to not allow the holidays to overwhelm me. I am not all doom and gloom. Quite the contrary; I truly enjoy the holiday season and what it’s all about.

I love the Christmas lights and I used to put up some decent displays. I’m sitting here thinking about some of great displays that I’ve seen around town in the past. Jeff really enjoyed going all out inside and out. Such good memories of this time of year.

It’s interesting as I realize how cut off I am. I haven’t even seen much at all that is to with Christmas. I’m not outside at night. I don’t watch the news or live network TV. If it’s live for me it’s sports otherwise it’s streamed. My point is how easy it’s been to not even think about it being Christmas.

I need it this way this year. Low key and trying to maintain and do my best each day. Some days I so desperately want to find a way out of all that exists but on others I'm still so curious to explore the darkest paths that have had so much control for so many years. Lots here waiting. Wanting to be seen and heard and much more. Patience.

As I navigate the next steps for myself I will take this time of Christmas to have some rest and enjoy a few of my own simple traditions.  No cooking or baking for me this year but I will still manage to get a few goodies! 

It’s good to think about all these things. I’m checking in with all those memories to see what’s there. So many different types of Christmases I have had over my years. Lots of goodness. I’ll remember this from the feels I got! 

Christmas. Spirit. Not sure how I’d define it for myself this year. Yet. Still have 5 days.

12.20.24

Isolation

Isolation 

It’s coming soon. I am trying to prepare for what will be painfully absent but not sure that’s possible. More likely a one moment at a time situation that I will just have to figure out as I go. There will be shutdown and numbing for sure. I just hope I don’t loose the keys.

I’m mostly sad today thinking about not having that safe space with a kind face; the precious and scarce commodity of coregulation and also knowledge. It’s hard to find that when you’re alone. Grounding and safety type tools will be in abundance and trying to keep glimmers of hope a daily goal. My success will vary. I’m still trying. 

So much unknown. That’s makes it even harder.

12.19.24

 

 

Is There Anybody Out There?

  If anyone is still here, send me strength and wisdom to make it thru the next weeks and months. My journey will soon become solo as I am losing my access to therapy. Oh how I despise the need for money. Sadly, no other options. Letting the reality sink in this chilly morning. Cold in more ways than one. I’m scared. 

 January holds the date of the event that changed my life path forever. Of course, I’ve found myself alone for the last 47 years. Why would I think it would work out any differently this time. 

I do have acceptance and understanding here. Things happen that aren’t always in the plans and I struggle with that. I’ll figure it out one day one moment at a time, whatever I need. Just working out this detour that has kind of come out of no where. 

The roads I travel always have potholes. Some larger than others but always there to alter my path. Sometimes I hit sink holes that keep me stuck or. Flat tire. 

Gotta find that tow truck. 

12.17.24

Reality

 Reality

I have lived 65 plus years and I find myself here alone. It’s my reality. I’m really feeling it right now. I don’t see a way to change it and that’s problematic as I know it’s not sustainable. I physically can’t do it right now, let alone what’s all going in my brain. It’s a struggle that’s not getting better. What do I do? My MO. Just ignore and avoid. It will eventually force me into something. Not sure what that will be. 

Quazar the misfit. I don’t feel I belong. Unsafe around people and in most places. No where to go. Retreat. I’m not really hiding as no one is looking for me. In plain sight. Dark. Abyss. Void. 

Losing my 1 hour a week of co-regulation just piles on. I’m worried. 

More later 

12.15.24

Fearful Avoidnace aka Disorganized

Ignore It…Go Away

 

Avoidance. That’s my main modus operandi. It works until it doesn’t. Ignoring whatever it is puts it out of site, but not always out of mind, and it catches up eventually. I’ve done this my entire life, ignore and not deal. I’m at the point now where it’s just so full of unprocessed “stuff”.

 I need to lighten this load. As I get older I am unable to continue to carry so much weight. I’m feeling things closing in, closing down, and I’m unsure of what to do next. It’s difficult for me to reach out and my options are limited. I don’t have all my answers- that’s a line bullshit I don’t believe. I need new input to figure it out. Guidance. Support. 

It’s hard to think about being alone with all this in a few weeks but it’s just reality like all the rest of the shit that shows up in my life. Of course I have thoughts I deserve the hard times and I think it keeps me from asking for more, but I’m accustomed to no one showing up or being there for me. Expectations equal disappointment. Why continue to be disappointed. I just retreat back into my world and ignore and avoid. At this point it feels like I’ve accepted the fact that my journey will always be hard and alone. The question is, how much longer will I be willing to keep going. 

How can I care enough to make a difference. If I don't care about myself, I don’t expect others to. 

Loss. Pain. Emptiness. Self inflicted. No Relief. Alone. Stop. Please. 

12.15.24

Safety

Safety and Reacting

 Wouldn’t it be great if everyone had such a place to go. Love. Care. Healing. Safety.  I feel that so much as the world is becoming more scary for me. It’s such a hard cycle to get out of- isolating myself versus being out and about. This one part of retirement that is unhelpful for me; I no longer have a job to make me get up and go every day or have people out there to interact with. I don’t feel safe in many places and have few safe people right now and am very aware, which in itself can overwhelm me. 

What’s been troubling me this week is how I am recognizing where I’ve seen some of my behaviors. My dad. The last few years of his life he had very few cognitive abilities left. He escaped into his own inner world. But it started out with dysregulated type behaviors.  

My dad was never what most would call normal. I loved my dad; I was daddy’s little girl. The only girl in my family. He was different, the way he handled life. I never thought anything of it until I was an adult and realized he was either on the high end of the spectrum, Asperger’s maybe, he was bipolar, or a combination of both. Explains a lot really. 

He was still a good dad in that he took care of the family and did all the dad things in our house. My brothers were all gay in their own way so I reaped the benefits of learning things from my dad because they had no interest. Actual useful things like lawn and garden care, how to use all that equipment outside. Cars. Not only did he teach me to drive a stick shift but also how to change the oil and check other things in a car engine. Music. He played saxophone in a Jazz band when he was young and in the basement when he was upset. I got to play that sax in high school and my love of music developed here as he always had something playing. . Sports. I swam competitively for years, played softball, volleyball, and basketball in school. Watched it all on TV. I can still hear us screaming at Woody Hayes and the Buckeyes. To this day I love watching sports on TV or in person when possible. All these things and more have helped me in life lived mostly alone. I’m thankful for those lessons. I never got the girl lessons. Hmmm

I try to keep those good memories in my heart because at age 17 my daddy broke my heart forever and we couldn’t go back. That’s a story for another time. 

The last time my parents visited me here, I realized just how my dad’s mental functioning had deteriorated. He had quite a few outbursts when things unplanned happened, not being able to cope and adjust without intervention. His memory was poor and at times he just rambled. We took trip to visit the Desert Museum with a couple they were friends with. I sat in the back beside my dad. He narrated the entire trip with what he was seeing and thinking as we drove. He couldn’t help himself or quiet his mind or voice. I just sat with him, held his hand and listened, wondering if he was in a manic episode. It was quite sad to see his daily ups and downs.

Now, I’m doing similar things, exhibiting similar behaviors. I react instead of taking a minute to gather my thoughts and respond. I’m aware, but not in control. Is it a brain dysfunction of some sorts. Parts out of control for sure. It’s difficult to see this in myself now and think of how it was for my dad. The humming and whistling and singing and air instruments that used to reverberate from him I can now see how he was calming himself, grounding himself, looking for safety. It’s a shitty space to reside in. I think for me it’s gotten worse due to my retirement. Too much time for my brain.

It’s something else for me to work on but I’m not making it easy by not giving myself opportunities for interactions with others. Still in the cycle, the circle of isolation. Not sure how to get out safely. Just another dilemma I’ll add to my list. Those lists get long when you’re alone. 

All for now….

12.14.24

Retirement

Happy Retirement WTF#*&K?

Retirement. Yahoo! Congrats! Enjoy! You deserve it! 

What the fuck???

Retirement has been one of the worst times in my life. That means here and now. I definitely was not prepared for this. I had no thoughts or plans in mind of what this meant for me. To describe it as quite the challenge is putting it mildly. 

People don’t understand why wouldn’t I enjoying being retired, free to do whatever I want. For me it’s hard to enjoy much when I’m going through the roller coaster of depression. I went from someone who always worked 60 plus hours a week to no schedule. That in itself was super disorientating for me. But not all bad. Of course ridding myself of  stress of the jobs I had was a huge benefit. But having too much time on my hands for me and my brain, Brain Train and Cog, can be challenging with overload. 

So now you say, find something to do? I’ve been stuck right there. What? I just talked about not knowing what lights me up. I’m not looking for a magic dust or a huge eureka of an idea, just something small. Again I am writing and that’s helpful, but this too can get me going in ways that’s aren’t so great. Sticky. Tricky. Picky? I’m allowed as an old lady!

Darkness prevails. I just can’t find a way to keep much light on….right now. 

 

It’s all still unknown for me and challenging managing and trying to figure it all out. Dr.GPD says don’t try harder, try softer and go slower. I’m still trying even when it’s all so hard to access. I try to remember there’s no time limit.

Retirement. This will certainly be an ongoing subject for me. For today that’s all. 

I’ll be back……it’s Friday the 13th tomorrow! 

12.12.24

My Struggle with Connection

Forced Things

I’ve really been struggling more than ever with connection to other people. I keep reading and I’m told I need it but my issue is it doesn’t feel good. I keep forcing myself to be around people but it’s just pushing me further into my self isolation. 

So how can connection be good for me when it feels so awful? Do I keep forcing myself to try, to be around others when I am so miserable all the time? It seems to me I need to repair my attachment issues and forcing myself to be around others doesn’t fix anything. How do I do that? I need help. I don’t know what to do, how to even attempt to fix. Am I choosing the wrong people, the wrong situations? More instruction please. 

I don’t get that common humanity thing either. It doesn’t make me feel better to know others suffer, to hear their stories, or find similarities. I don’t wish my suffering on anyone else so that concept is totally foreign to me. Where did that come from? It’s one of the 3 components of mindful self compassion that Kristin Neff and Chris Germer teach about. 

Self Compassion is something I so desperately need in my life however their formula is just confusing to me. Common humanity is one and again I don’t feel better knowing others suffer. Mindfulness if the next on their list. Can I just say that people who carry a lot of trauma and burdens do not want to be mindful of their trauma. The third and final component in their formula is self kindness. Well, isn’t that the goal of self compassion? To be kind and loving to yourself? If only I could do that I wouldn’t be so void of self compassion. 

I wish someone could tell me why their formula is so successful but I don’t get it at all. It’s like a foreign language unable to be translated for me. A puzzle that’s missing something. I just don’t connect. These are the kind of things that give my brain evidence that I’m fucked up, I’m  broken. 

 

So back to my original question. How helpful is forcing myself to be with people I don’t enjoy? Is that truly connection because I don’t think so. Being in a space where I don’t feel comfortable or safe, where I’m on alert and easily dysregulated doesn’t feel right to me in any way.

I have been trying in a group to be present and connect. It’s not working for me. I feel lost and disconnected in this group. I honestly don’t feel I belong there or am good enough to be there, very put off by things that have been said. It’s very discouraging and defeating in many ways. 

 Currently, in this place in my life it seems like I’m just adding more shit to my already full system. It’s out of hand for me now as finding a place for coregulation is truly a challenge.  Right now I have 1 hour a week with my therapist but that may be ending here soon. I’m trying not to think about losing that but the threat is real. 

It’s a dilemma with no easy answer. I do keep trying but at what expense. Things are not getting better. My path seems so convoluted. Is there anyone out there that hears me? That can help me? 

Stop the ride. I want off. 

12.12.24

It’s only a part of the problem

 

Slow Down. Rest. Try Softer.

Dr. Glen Patrick Doyle thank-you for your posts. Today:

It does always take great “self-discipline” to push ourselves past exhaustion. 

The truth is, very often, pushing ourselves past exhaustion is exactly what our trauma conditioning wants us to do. 

We’ve been programmed to believe that rest is for “the weak.” 

We’ve been conditioned to believe that we can survive situations by closing ourselves off and just pushing though. And, in fairness, sometimes that kind of pattern really did get us through certain periods in our life. 

The real truth is, it takes enormous self-discipline to slow down. 

To try softer. 

“Trying harder” comes easy to us trauma survivors. Very many of us tend to be incredibly black and white creatures— we think that if we’re doing well, the solution can only be “try harder.” Go faster. Push, and push, and push. 

The reality is that sometimes it’s the pushing that’s f*cking us up. Holding us back. 

Sometimes going faster and harder restricts our access to information. Hard to appreciate and process information, especially nuanced information, if we’re constantly in go go go go go mode. 

Trauma responses push us to exhaust ourselves in many ways. “Fight” and “flight” in particular are classic was our nervous system tries to solve every problem with “try harder.” 

Yet, even as “try harder” is the only strategy our nervous system seems to know, we still very often wonder if we’re trying “hard enough.” Or whether the important people in our life truly believe we’re trying. 

If you’re reading this, know: I absolutely believe that you’re trying. 

In fact, I suspect you’re often trying a little, or a lot, too hard. 

It’s not just you. We all are. It’s a symptom that’s driven by trauma reflexes and conditioning. 

It’a a symptom we have to meet, as we meet all symptoms in trauma recovery, with compassion and patience…and the discipline to try something different, even if and when it feels awkward or threatening. 

Don’t try harder. Try softer. 

Slow down. 

Breathe. 

If you truly want to go fast, go slow. 

Just for today, try out embracing that particular paradox.

The problem is not, and has never been, that you’re not trying hard enough. 

No matter what “they” conditioned you to think and believe.

12.11.24

Burdens

 She opens up her suitcase

And it’s loaded to the brim

She simply doesn’t have the room

To squeeze more baggage in

Her hold-all’s filled with years and years

Of things she has endured

But you think she has no hold-all

‘Cause she acts so self-assured

But just because she’s confident

And acts like she’s alright

It doesn’t mean her baggage 

Is inconsequentially light

For though her life looks rosy

It doesn’t mean to say

That she doesn’t carry burdens

That weigh her down each day

She’s fought off many monsters

Often swam up from the depths

She’s walked through many fires

And pulled herself back from the edge

So never think she walks on air

When she’s actually walked through hell

You just don’t know her load is heavy

Because she carries it so well

Becky Hemsley 2021

Beautiful artwork by Alisa Smith Williams

Posted 12.11.24

Void

 Void. A state of non existence. Completely empty. Describes how I feel. That I have nothing left and I don’t matter. Never much luck. Goodness never stays. Absolute aloneness.Trapped.  Zero expectations. Stuck. Crushed. One way out. 

Avoid. Keep away from. Stop oneself from doing. Options. 

I don’t care enough about myself so what does it matter. I don’t. 

12.11.24

Letting Go

 Letting Go

Letting go. I’ve been doing a lot more of this than I give myself credit for. It’s so needed in my life. I’ve been feeling at capacity for a while and I need to make room in most every area of my life. So I have been taking inventory of sorts to see what really still serves me. So much just hanging out from the past, taking up space without purpose. 

That’s been the key for me. Asking what purpose does it have in my life. What energy do I have or even want or spend on this. Do I want to use the space I have available for this. Some decisions have been easy. I’ve cleaned my social media of all people that showed me their true colors of hate this year. I may not be done yet. It was much easier than I imagined and not one person has said a word to me about being blocked. Apparently I’m getting rid of who needs to be gone. It’s been nice not seeing that garbage on my feeds. It’s surprised me how much softer and easier it is to be on social knowing the hate and vitriol isn’t going to appear.

The other thing for me about cleansing of people in my life is I have been learning a difficult lesson. That my perception of my relationship with someone is not always the same as theirs. I think I have a certain spot in someone’s life and then I find it’s just not the case. Apparently I insert myself into people’s lives in ways that don’t match up with their reality. It’s hard to find out your true”value” to others. I would guess this is where my lack of any kind of secure attachment in my life show’s up. That I have no clue how to read my relationship or for it be healthy. It’s hard to be wrong so many times. Hurtful. People equal pain. 

Letting go. Something that I will continue to work on. People is a good start. I’ll keep chipping away at the mental and physical clutter that cause hardship and distress. I will continue to remind myself it took many years to get this full. It will take time and patience to clear it out. 

Keep hanging on. Keep hanging in. Keep letting go. Keep trying until I can’t. 

12.8.24

Piling On

It Keeps Piling On

 It’s been a couple days since I’ve been here. It’s been a full week of “stuff”. One of those things is I may be losing my access to therapy in a few short weeks, at the end of this month. Insurance issues. I see the irony in my questioning it earlier. I don’t really believe in manifesting but there must some reason, some lesson. I’m worried and of course scared but it’s out of my control. I can only hope for the best at this point. I will deal with whatever comes…..no other choice really. 

I hate money but we must have it to live. 

Maybe one day I will have a smooth path. Until then, I’ll just keep driving over the bumps in the road until they turn in to a sink hole and consume me.

Thoughts on this early Saturday morning. More later. 

12.7.24

Trying

 

It is really fucking hard! I’m trying.

12.5.24

Suicide

Until I Depart

 I’m not afraid of sharing my thoughts of suicide. It’s when I quit talking about it we should all worry. I would guess most people with depression think about hurting or killing their self. It’s a horrible place to be stuck that darkness and hopelessness of depression. And let’s face it, suicide does guarantee to end the pain. 

I’m not advocating for but it is the truth. That’s the attraction of it. It’s actually trying to help by keeping me from feeling that horrible grief and pain and shame. It’s one of the vicious circles and cycles of depression. I’m always cognitively aware but often that doesn’t make one bit of difference. 

I get so tired but giving up? I’ve been close but I haven’t made it there yet. I always keep my options open. Options. A really good word for me. I enjoy having options so I am constantly searching and creating them. This is one on that final path and if it appears alone it is The Finale! I’m not there but I get it. It’s less scary to me now in some ways but more scary in others. 

Yes, I have a plan. Why hide it. When I'm ready, it’s going to be a helluva ride out! I’m not a gun person and I won’t inflict more pain on myself. Pharmaceuticals all the way to oblivion. A final countdown party to take me away. 

Until then, I’m going to just keep writing, keep talking…….

12.5.24